Never Know Where Life Will Take Us
by Mary91
Summary: Life was never easy or simple for Meredith Grey. And with what fate handed her now it won't be for the foreseeable future, but with friends and her old lover firmly by her side, she will face it. And who knows, you never know where life will take us.
1. Save You

**A/N** This is set somewhere after 2x18 when Mark showed up for the first time and Meredith and Derek decided to be friends again, during the period of friendly-flirting before Finn, before Derek looses control over not acting on his feelings for Meredith (mainly being all mcjealous and mcAss calling Mer a whore). Bailey has also yet to return from maternity leave at the beginning of the story. I'm not exactly sure how much time actually has passed in grey's-time from the break-up to where we are now in the story-line, but for the purpose of this story, it has been 5 months.

On another note, while I did do my research, I am no surgeon, so don't take anything I write at face value.

A word of warning, although I won't write explicit sex scenes, I will write of Derek and Meredith and in my opinion those too are very dirty people.

**Disclaimer:** If its not obvious, I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I do not make any money of this. Its just for fun.

When Derek saw Meredith walking into the hospital that morning he instantly knew something was terribly wrong. She looked like she hadn't slept all night, upset and even twitchy. For a moment he thought that maybe she had been out drinking with Christina, she liked to do that when she was upset (he tried to suppress the thought that he was the reason for most of Merediths drinking binges since he chose Addison), but she didn't look hungover. Only like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Again. She looked a little like she did when hiding her mothers secret became to much for her. So tiny, so vulnerable. She had confided in him then, she trusted, even loved him then. She wouldn't come to him now, would she? They were friends, kind of at least. Where they the kind of friends that shared each others pain? He only hoped that whoever she would choose to confide in (Christina, a voice in his head sounding very much like Meredith whispered. He had been hearing Meredith a lot in his head since... it ended), would be able to help her. _If_ she choose to confide in someone. Meredith had a habit of trying to do everything on her own until she would break. Life had taught her not to trust into people. (You have been one of these untrustworthy ones, he tried not to linger on that thought). She had confided in him about _George_, he thought slightly bitter, but she had felt like she was losing all of her friends then.

He saw her everywhere that day, darting in and out of hallways like she was on the run, hiding, fleeing. She wasn't at lunch with the other interns (he knew, because the interns always ate together and he always ate when the interns ate. He liked watching Meredith be happy with her makeshift family.) Worry settled in his stomach, heavy and unyielding, almost making him nauseous. He ignored the whispers in his head that it was none of his business, not any more (he had gotten very good at ignoring those whispers). He really just _needed_ to know that she was okay. She had just barely avoided being blown up by a bomb. She had gotten half-blown up, caught in the shockwave after the explosion. He really just needed to make sure she was okay. What if there was something neurological wrong, had she hit her head? He never asked. He was too caught up in his worries if she was alive, too relieved that she had not died.

Derek shook his head, trying to clear up his thoughts. He never used to ramble. He did pick that up from Meredith. At least it was only in his mind so far. Or maybe he wasn't really rambling, it was only that his mind only knew one topic these days and went in circles day in, day out all around it. _Meredith, Meredith, Meredith_. Already almost an obsession. Good that no one could read his mind, they would put him right into an elevator and send him up to psych. Elevator. He could corner Meredith in an elevator (That is your thing, isn't it. Christina Yang had snarled at him not so long ago.). He just needed to make sure she was okay, then he would be able to relax. Because Meredith was always okay (fine, the voice whispered, always fine but rarely okay). He thanked whoever was responsible for it that he did not have any surgeries scheduled and that no head-trauma's had come in so far that needed his attention. It was a day for paperwork, not that he was getting done much paperwork because all he could think of, all he could do was worry. _Meredith, Meredith, Meredith_.

He threw his pen across his office, running his hands through his hair. _Meredith_. He just had to find Meredith, make sure she was okay and then his thoughts would sort themselves out and he could get back to work. Resolutely he got up and went out into the hallway. What now? He could page Meredith, but she probably knew he had a slow day. She would be mad if she answered his page and it wasn't about work. He wanted her to talk to him, not upset her. So no page. He could look for her. Only he couldn't ask people where she was, because Seattle Grace should have been named Seattle Gossip and for whatever reason Meredith (and maybe him) were their favourite topic. So he had to look for her. He didn't know what her assignment was. Who was their resident this week anyway? It amused him how no other resident but Bailey knew how to handle them. They were a special group. Rosemary's babies, indeed. Right, he didn't know who their resident was. He had to find her on his own. Her friends wouldn't help him. They were very protective of Meredith where he was concerned, Christina especially.

He shook his head again, trying to clear his head. For some reason he just couldn't concentrate. He just needed to know if Meredith was okay. The feeling to make sure became more urgent the longer he stood in the hallway trying to figure out what to do.

Elevator. He'd try the elevator first. They often met in the elevator. Maybe he would get lucky and she was there. His feet moved as if on their own. He could try the tunnels afterwards. He vaguely remembered Meredith telling him that they liked to hang out there if they had a spare minute. He never went there while they were together. It was the interns place. He was an attending even if he had been Merediths boyfriend. He had no right to intrude. Today was different, today he was worried. Out of his mind, almost literally. The doors to the elevator opened. It was empty. Sighing he pressed the button for the basement. Keep on looking then. Tiredly he closed his eyes and leaned against the back wall. He hadn't realised how tense he was, how tired the non-stop anxiety about Meredith's well-being had made him. The doors opened too soon for it to be the basement. Before he could open his eyes, the smell of lavender filled his nostrils. _Her_ smell. She was here. He felt the tension leaving his muscles. She had found him. Now he just had to make sure she was okay. He forced his eyes open just as the doors closed. Her back was to him, tense, poised like on a spring ready to sprint as soon as the doors opened again. She was not okay!

"What's wrong?", he asked, his voice uncomfortably loud in the silence of the elevator. He didn't think it possible but she tensed even more. "Meredith?", she was scaring him. She didn't turn around, she always looked at him. Unless they fought. But they didn't have a fight. They were good, friends. On its own accord, his hand reached out to grab her shoulder, turning her around so she was facing him. "Meredith?", he inquired again "tell me, what's wrong?", he tried to keep his voice casual, just friendly-concerned. But she was scaring him. Tell me what's wrong Meredith and I make it okay, he wanted to say. Just tell me and it will all be all right. She looked exhausted, so very exhausted.

Emotions ran across her face, so fast he had barely time to register each one. Her face finally settled on determination.

"I need your help." her voice was resigned.

"Okay" Derek replied, swallowing down the fear that had gripped him when he saw her face. "What do you need?"

"I..." she hesitated. "Not here, do you have a little time?" He nodded, afraid his voice wouldn't carry . The elevator doors opened and she seemed to have made up her mind. "Follow me then." She led him into an empty on call room and closed the door behind him. He heard the faint click of it locking. He looked around. They never had done it in an on call room. They had never done it in the hospital, period. Never had crossed that line. He shook his head. Now was not the time for porny thoughts (there never is a time for porny thoughts about Meredith. Not anymore. You chose that way). Meredith obviously had something big she needed to share, something that required uninterrupted privacy.

"I need you to feel my breasts." Her words passed right trough his brain, down his spine into his cock. He felt himself stirring in excitement of touching Meredith. Memories of him touching her breasts, how well they fitted into his hands, how they tasted when he took them into his mouth, how he licked, bit, teased them until she was writhing beneath him in pleasure flooded his mind. He swallowed back a groan. With an effort he pushed back the part of his mind that turned Neanderthal at the prospect of being allowed to touch Meredith, chanting _take her, take her, take her now!_ louder and louder. Derek was sure his face was bright red in embarrassment. He was a middle-aged man for heaven's sake and yet the mere prospect of touching Meredith breasts had him fully erected straining against his boxers like some inexperienced teenage boy.

He looked at Meredith. He expected her to storm out of the room, offended by his body's traitorous reaction. She was better than what his body made out of her words, she wasn't proposing something dirty. Her face was flushed.

"I meant examine" she whispered, "I meant I need you to examine my breasts", her voice gained in strength. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. This is inappropriate. But" she shrugged helplessly "You were there and you asked and I just needed to talk to someone."

Fear slammed into him like a freight train. His penis became flaccid almost instantly. There was only one reason for her to ask him to examine her breasts.

"... and as inappropriate as it is you know my breasts well..." she babbled on the words barely making it through the haze in his mind. He swallowed and tried to say something but no words would come. He cleared his throat before he tried again.

"Take of your shirt and bra, please." his voice was hoarse. She went silent, her hands hesitated at the bottom of her scrub shirt.

"You don't have to..." she started, but he interrupted her. "Just do it." She seemed to want to say more, but she closed her mouth and instead pulled of her scrub shirt and her bra. Then she was standing half naked in front of him. He stepped closer, raising his hands to her left breast. With slight wonder he realised his hands were shaking. It was the first time since he became a surgeon that he remembered his hands shaking. They hadn't been shaking last month when he had operated on Bailey's husband while Meredith held a bomb. He had been scared out of his mind, but his hands had remained steady. Now they were shaking. He swallowed heavily before starting to examine the first breast, afraid of what he might find. There was nothing sensual about the way his hands slowly moved around her breast, bit by bit careful not to miss a spot. It was medicine, it was scientific, it was scary. The left breast was clear. He moved on to the right. The first quarter of the breast felt normal. He moved his hands lower. Was he even breathing? He didn't think so. There. He hesitated. Went back over the same spot to feel again. There was a small hardness. Tiny. Probably a cyst, barely there. Even if it should be cancer, it was tiny, barely something to worry about. He took a deep breath before moving on. Surely that was the reason she was worried. A tiny lesion. His hands moved. Then they stilled. What felt like a tiny hardness from the other side of the breast was... huge. He swallowed. Moved his hands forwards, backwards, around the breast trying to asses the tumours size, its position. Trying to make sense of how something could have grown in Meredith breast. It wasn't there 5 months ago when he last... held her breast. But then, he hadn't examined her breasts. He had played with them, used them to arouse her, to arouse him. He liked her breasts, they fit so well into his hands. And right now, he never hated them more.

"So I didn't imagine it." Meredith voice broke his concentration. "It's really there?" No, he wanted to say, it was just in your head. Inventive way to get me to touch your breasts. His hands fell down from where they still had been holding her breast and landed on her hips. It wasn't a conscious thought to pull her close, closer still than she had been, to crush her against his chest, to wrap his arms around her in a futile effort to shield her from the world, to shield her from this. But he couldn't shield her from this, couldn't protect her, this came from within her and there was nothing he could do. He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled. The smell of her hair always calmed him down. His hands ran up and down her bare back, her sides. She came to you for help, Derek, he thought. You can't freak out. You just can't. He swallowed.

"Yes. There is a lump. I'd guess maybe 3 or 4 centimetres in diameter" he kept his voice calm. He could freak out later. Meredith relied on him.

"My breast was sore. It was sore for weeks now" she whispered into his chest, her hands clinging to his scrub top. "I just ignored it, there wasn't time. I mean they only just installed the 80 hour work limit. I worked 100, 120 hours a week. I worked and I slept. There just wasn't time." Derek tightened his hold onto her. She was shaking in his arms and his shirt was slowly getting wet. She was crying. "Last night, I... I didn't even connect the dots, I was just standing in front of the mirror after the shower and thought about how I did the last self-breast examination as pre-med. They don't really promote it as screening method any more. And I thought, why not, just for fun, and suddenly there was this huge lump and..." He rocked her in his arms, making shushing noises trying to calm her down. He had only once seen her so upset a few weeks back when she had to pull the plug on some old lady she had intubated by accident. His hands were still running up and down her back, trying to sooth the tension away.

"What do I do now?", she sounded so small and her face was so trusting when she looked up to him, looked for his guidance.

"Now we get you an appointment with the best OB/GYN in town to see what happens next. We don't know if its cancer yet, it might be a benign tumour, a cysts, fluids..." Meredith snorted.

"You're a doctor, Derek, and so am I. Don't try to coddle me. You felt it. Its a tumour the only question is benign or malignant."

"Fine then, we don't know if its malignant, yet. Chances are actually much higher that its benign than cancerous especially at your age."

She stayed in his arms for a while, her breaths slowly calming down, the tension slowly easing out of her muscles. On some plane of his brain Derek was aware that Meredith was pressed up against him with a naked torso, marvelled at how well she fit into his arms, but mostly he was focusing on comforting Meredith as best as he could.

It was the annoying noise of her pager that finally broke their bubble and made them let go of each other. He watched as she hastily got dressed again and hurried out of the room. And then he turned around and kicked the wall. He would have preferred to hit something but his knuckles had barely healed from when he had punched Mark and Richard would have his hide if he endangered his ability to operate again. God, he wished he could take up boxing as a sport, punching the crap out of someone sounded so good right now.

Review makes writers happy and makes them write faster :-)


	2. Save Me

**A/N** Only 3 reviews and more than 200 views. That's weak, people. Even if its just a few words, give me something so I know people are appreciating the story.

Thanks to the people that reviewed (and the people that read, even though they didn't review)

Her thoughts were running a hundred miles a minute as she led Derek towards an empty on call room. This was awkward and wrong and inappropriate, but he had asked and she just really needed someone to tell her she finally had gone crazy and it was all in her head. He looked worried as he followed her into the on call room. He had been worried in the elevator, too. She locked the door behind him, leaning against it for a moment drawing in slow, measured breaths. She clamped down on the thought what it would have been like if she had pulled him into an empty on call room five month ago, before Addison, before everything, when all was simple and happy and bright and shiny.

She turned around to face him. She could do this, she needed to do this. She would implode if she did not shared her worries with someone. And why shouldn't she share her worries with Derek. He was her friend and he knew her breasts, he knew them well.

"I need you to feel my breasts." The words left her mouth before she even realised how they must sound to him. She flushed under Derek's heavy-lidded gaze. His eyes had darkened into a deep indigo and he wore a crooked smile. His head titled. He was aroused. Her eyes flickered down to his groin. _Very_ aroused. For a moment she wanted to forget, wanted to smile, wanted to just see what happened, go with the flow. She watched his Adam's apple bobble as he swallowed and then he caught her eyes with his heavy-lidded gaze. And she knew she had to correct what she said, to say what she really meant, because he could touch her now, and make her forget, turn her into a moaning, screaming puddle of mush were everything was happy. And that would be wrong, so very wrong because he was married and she liked his wife. Somewhat. She didn't hate her. Much, when she didn't think about what she had done to Derek by cheating on him.

"I meant examine" she whispered, "I meant I need you to examine my breasts", she willed her voice to be stronger, to not whisper like some stupid damsel. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. This is inappropriate. But" she shrugged helplessly "You were there and you asked and I just needed to talk to someone." Keep on talking Meredith. As long as you're talking, your mouth is busy and can't do other things. But oh, how sweet it would be just to sink into him and let him make her forget the world and her worries. But they were friends now, and friends didn't cross that line. And he was married. She could see when her words finally arrived in his brain and were processed. His gaze changed from heavy-lidded and aroused, to almost comically wide-opened and fearful?

"... and as inappropriate as it is you know my breasts well..." by now she wasn't even sure if her words made sense any more but he hadn't moved, not since she first said something and so she just kept talking, waiting for him to react. To yell at her for breaching the fragile lines between friends and non-friends she had firmly insisted on just a short while ago when she had told him about George. She saw his mouth open, but no sound made it past. He tried again, and this time, words came.

"Take of your shirt and bra, please." his voice was hoarse. Rough around the edges, tense. Words failed her. Instinct was to rip her shirt off, just to get it over with, but at the same time she felt strangely inhibited to bare herself like that. Don't be a chicken, she told herself, you asked him yourself to do this, you can't sent him away now. She let her hands fall down to her sides, grabbing the bottom of her scrub shirt. She had to give him the chance to back out. He was married, working on his marriage. Feeling up his ex-girlfriend had surely not been on his to-do list.

"You don't have to..." she started to say, but he interrupted her. "Just do it." His voice was definitely rough now. She wanted to say more about Addison, about her breast, why she asked him. But she needed him to tell her it was okay. She hadn't realised how much she needed to talk to him about this until he had asked her what was wrong in the elevator a few minutes ago and then trustingly had followed her into an on call room. So instead of saying more, she just undressed and stood before him with her torso naked. He came closer until he stood right in front of her. She could see small beards of sweat forming on his forehead. His hands reached out, hesitated for a moment before latching on to her left breast. Her good breast. Hopefully her good breast. Maybe she had missed something. His hands had been shaking. She had never seen his hands shake, not once. Surgeon's hands don't shake. Never. And yet his hands had been shaking before he touched her. She tried to concentrate on the fact that Derek was close to her, that his hands were on her breasts. Not because she wanted, but because it was easier to make this about him touching her than think about it as what it was. A breast exam. To confirm or not confirm that she had a lump in her breast. Derek liked her breasts, and she had liked that Derek liked her breasts. When they had sex, once he gotten her naked, they always had been the first thing he paid attention to. His hands moved on to her right breast, a look of deep concentration on his face. He was almost a third around her breast when his hand hesitated and went over the same spot again. Her heart stopped. He had felt something. His hands kept moving around her breast, and then suddenly the stilled. And then his hands were moving again in a fast flurry all around her breast as if he were trying to create a mental image of her breast and the tumour within. His gaze was fixated on her breast, and for once, it didn't feel good.

"So I didn't imagine it."she said quietly, catching his eyes "It's really there?", his eyes were desperate and then his hands were on her hips and then all around her and she was pressed to his chest and just for a moment she was safe and it didn't feel like the lump in her breast was the end of the world. His arms, her safe haven. Meredith tried not to let it bother her that even after all this time the safest place she knew was in her married ex-boyfriends arms.

His voice fought through the haze in her mind.

"Yes. There is a lump. I'd guess maybe 3 or 4 centimetres in diameter," his voice was calm, soothing even. She recognised it instantly. It was his doctor voice, the one he used when a patient was panicking and Derek was trying to calm them down. She buried her head deeper into his chest her hands groping for something to hold onto and finding his shirt. What did it matter now that he probably thought her weak and clingy and desperate.

"My breast was sore. It was sore for weeks now" she didn't really wanted to tell him, he would think of her as irresponsible to let it get this bad, she was like the woman with the huge tumour they treated just after Addison had shown up. "I just ignored it, there wasn't time. I mean they only just installed the 80 hour work limit. I worked 100, 120 hours a week. I worked and I slept. There just wasn't time." His arms tightened around her and she just kept babbling on, ignoring the tears running down her face or how her body was a shaking mess. "Last night, I... I didn't even connect the dots, I was just standing in front of the mirror after the shower and thought about how I did the last self-breast exam as pre-med. They don't really promote it as screening method any more. And I thought, why not, just for fun, and suddenly there was this huge lump and..." And then the thought it home. There was a lump in her breast. A big lump, all medical knowledge left her mind and she was no longer Dr. Grey, surgical Intern; she was Meredith and she was scared to death. Dimly she registered the sound of hysteric crying and it took her a while to realize it was her making the noise. All while Dereks arms remained around her, grounding her in the storm of emotions that so suddenly had hit, slowly pulling her back from the edge she threatened to fall over.

"What do I do now?" she asked, when she had calmed down enough to actually regain power over her vocal cords. She hated how vulnerable she sounded, but then Derek had just held her while she completely fell apart, he had to have figured out by now she was weak.

"Now we get you an appointment with the best OB/GYN in town to see what happens next. We don't know if its cancer yet, it might be a benign tumour, a cysts, fluids..." he sounded hopeful. Meredith snorted, trust Derek to try to sugar coat things.

"You're a doctor, Derek, and so am I. Don't try to coddle me. You felt it. Its a tumour the only question is benign or malignant."

"Fine then, we don't know if its malignant, yet. Chances are actually much higher that its benign than cancerous especially at your age." His voice didn't leave any room for discussion and he pulled her back into his chest. His arms kept running over her back as they both let their minds drift in the silence. Her body slowly released the tension and melted against his body. Fleetingly she thought how glad she was to have locked the door. With her abysmal luck someone would have walked in and drawn the wrong conclusions.

Her pager broke her out of her stupor in Derek's arms. Crap. She had snuggled up against Derek for god knows how long. Pathetic. And wrong. Granted she would probably get compassion-points because she might have cancer but she still had been pressed against her ex-boyfriend while half naked. Cristina would have her hide. She dressed hastily, suddenly anxious to get elsewhere. As she left the room, she could feel his eyes following her, but he himself showed no intention of moving. The door fell closed behind her and she drew a deep breath. A quick look to the clock on the wall told her she had allowed herself an hour with Derek to be falling-apart-pathetic-Meredith but now she had to be Dr. Grey again. She felt slightly better now that she had confided in Derek though, she might even be able to handle her friends without feeling like bursting into tears.


	3. Whatever Gets You Through Today

It was scary, so damn scary. Meredith rarely got sick, not even as a child and for some weird reason hospitals and doctors offices gave her the creeps. As a patient that is, she enjoyed being on the other side. Her grip on Derek's hand tightened as she waited for her name to be called. It was so damn inappropriate that he was here with her, it was so damn weak that she was relying on her **ex**-boyfriend to hold her hand, but she just couldn't help it. And he had offered. And he was her friend. And he had asked when the others hadn't even noticed something was wrong with her. But then again they were all still off because of the George thing, he wasn't talking to her and Izzie was being all avoidy and Alex would never notice and Cristina had probably noticed she was off but hadn't asked because she had been off for months now and Cristina had Burke and...

And now she was rambling in her head and she just really needed to take a breath. Derek let go of her hand and she felt cold and alone, but then his arm wrapped around her, pulling her to his chest and the tension in her back lessened just a little bit.

"Try to relax, Mer" his voice was a soft caress in her ear "You'll make yourself sick if you keep worrying. Lets just wait for the Doc to tell us what's going to happen next." She closed her eyes and pressed her face into his chest. His smelled musky but clean and so very Derek-y she couldn't help but let the tension bleed out of her.

"Meredith Grey" a nurse called out and the tension slammed right back into her robbing her of all air. Derek's hand rubbed across her back in soothing circles.

"Come'on, let's go." He pulled her to her feet. She was still slightly dazed as she let herself be led into an exam room. This was only her first visit at the doctors. She didn't knew anything yet, only that there was a lump in her breast and yet she was completely freaked out. Ever since she had found the lump she had been somewhere between catatonic one moment and absolutely freaked out the next. It was her luck that Bailey was still on maternity leave and the other residents stayed as far away as they could from them. Bailey would have noticed her behaviour and commented on it. Derek hugged her from behind and pulled her to his chest.

"Just breath, Mer." The door opened and a middle-aged woman walked inside, she smiled slightly in a professional-I'm-a-friendly-doctor kind of way, not a painfully cheerful way like heal-with-love-Sydney did. She could handle this.

"Hello, I am Dr. Cox." The woman held out her hand.

"Meredith." she forced her mouth into a smile.

"Derek." he introduced himself. "Thank you for seeing us on a such a short notice."

"That's no problem. Now, Meredith this is your first visit here, so before we get started I want to go over some paperwork with you. I know you filled out patient history and everything, but there are some things I prefer to talk about in person after the paperwork. People tend to forget or omit things when they fill out paperwork."

"I..., we know. We are doctors, too. Surgeons. Well, I am an intern, but Derek is a kick ass surgeon." Derek's hand had been running in soothing circles over her back stopped and he snorted, before the movement resumed.

"Right, rambling. Stopping now. I ramble when I'm nervous."

Dr. Cox started asking question after question, and Meredith remembered again why she hated being a patient so much. Questions invaded her privacy, somehow it always felt much less intrusive when asking questions not being the asked. But Derek kept his hand running in circles on her back and that kept her grounded in the now. Dr. Cox seemed competent, of course she was competent. Derek had picked her because she was a frickin' mess. Derek wouldn't just sent her to some second class OB/GYN.

The Questions delved deeper into why she was here as they left the general stuff behind.

Why are you here? I found a lump in my breast. When did you find the lump? 5 days ago. Did you have other symptoms? My breast was tender. Anything else, swelling, a rash? No, nothing else that I remember. Is there a history of breast cancer in your family? I don't know.

Finally after what felt like ages and left Meredith drained, the questions were over, the examination itself started. And then it was over and Meredith was getting dressed again and Derek was back at her side, holding her and and rubbing her back as they sat down again.

"You certainly have a lump in your breast. Now, at this stage it is impossible to tell if its is cancerous, although it is in all likely hood a tumour. But as doctors you know that tumours do not equal cancer. What I would like to do next is a MRI and a biopsy, which then should be able to tell us whether or not it is a benign growth. As you're likely aware, the MRI has to be specifically equipped to do breast-MRIs but luckily we have the possibilities here in Seattle."

"Seattle Grace has a special MRI", Derek said quietly. Meredith tensed.

"So it does," Dr. Cox smiled. "I usually work with Mercy West that has such an MRI as well, but if you're more comfortable at Seattle Grace I am sure we can find a solution."

"Mercy West is perfectly fine" Meredith said. No one at the hospital had to know just yet. She felt Dereks eyes on her.

"At Grace it would be easier for you to get it done." she didn't know if he was disapproving, didn't dare to look up.

"And I wouldn't even make it in line without it being all over the hospital. By the time I'm done, half the hospital is probably out buying flower arrangements for my impending funeral."

"Macabre."

"But true."

"Well, everyone would be talking. I doubt they would buy flower arrangements. You have a habit of beating all odds." He smiled down on her and it almost looked like a real smile. Only his eyes weren't smiling.

"So we will do an MRI at Mercy West as soon as possible, as well as a biopsy. You should take a few days off, at least the day of, and the day after the biopsy. Afterwards you may go back to work if you feel up to it. Many woman experience discomfort after a biopsy when moving their arm of doing heavy work." Meredith winced.

"Time off, right."

"Just tell them you are having trouble because you were blown up. Bailey isn't there to ride your ass and the Chief likes you. He'll give you time off if you ask him. Or..." he said quickly seeing Merediths face "you could just ask the others to trade you shifts for two days. Say its about your Mum or something."

"I know. I'll, I'll figure something out. Just get me an MRI as soon as possible."

"I'll have an appointment made and call you later with the details."

The rest of the visit passed quickly and then Derek led her out of the office and back to the car and Meredith felt relieved and scared and a million other things all at once.

"What do you want to do now, there is still half a day left. Want to go and visit Doc?" Meredith eyed Derek, and he looked so... hopeful. But she was just drained.

"I think I really want to go home and be alone for a while." she whispered. She had been doing that a lot lately, with Derek. Whispering. As if saying things more quiet made them less real, less embarrassing, less hurtful, less anything.

"Okay, then. Home it is." They were almost home, it wasn't a long drive from the doctor's office to her house, when she talked again.

"No one can know."

"What?" he looked at her, surprised.

"At least not yet. Izzie will go all worried on me, and George will forgive just because I might die, and Alex I don't really know how he will react and Cristina will go all bitter and angry and everyone will talk and I can't handle it. Not while I'm worried out of my mind that I might, that I possibly have cancer. I know at some point I'll have to tell them, have to tell everyone, but that can wait until I have a diagnosis. So can we please, just keep this between us for now?" she swallowed. "Because everyone will look, and they only just stopped looking at me after the bomb thingy. And I was the slutty intern dumb enough to screw the married attending and then I was the girl putting her hand on a bomb and I really don't want to be cancer girl and be looked at and pitied and..."

"Take a breath. We won't have to tell anyone, but after your biopsy results, if it should be cancer then..."

"Then I'll tell people, its not like I can hide it, I'll need time off and everything." They pulled up at her house and the car came to a stop. Hesitantly she loosened the seatbelt.

"Derek?"

"Yes, Meredith?" he looked at her expectantly

"Thank you for doing this. You don't have to and god, its probably inappropriate on so many levels..." but before she could continue she found herself pulled against his chest, his arms warm around her and his nose buried in the crook of her neck.

"Yeah I do. Because after everything, when it comes down to it, you are my best friend." She looked up.

"I am your best friend?" that was unexpected.

"Well yeah... you may have noticed I am not exactly a friends-person. I left them all behind when I left New York."

"But what about Burke? Or the Chief?"

"Burke is friendly competition and the Chief is my friendly-boss. But they aren't friend-friends."

"And I am a friend-friend?"

"You are a friend-friend." He agreed.

"Wait, I am your best friend by default right, because there is no one else?" he tensed and a faint blush was creeping across his cheeks.

"Oh, I can just feel the love", Meredith said dryly "Default best friend. That feels really good."

"You're the best friend I ever had", he said almost seriously.

"You only say that because you won't ever walk in on me and Addison together", as soon as the words left her mouth, Meredith wanted to take them back. That was below the belt, but he seemed to take it in stride as his arms around her only minimally tightened before he relaxed again and let out a snort.

"If you ever feel the need to sleep with Addison, please do tell me because I can probably make lots of money out of it, selling tickets." For a moment, Meredith was speechless and only the sounds of their breathing could be heard.

"You ass", she hit him on his chest.

"Sorry. It was just..." he shrugged, but then something flickered across his face and he sighed before pulling her closer in his embrace. They sat like that, not talking, just embracing for a while, watching the rain fall onto the windshield.

"Izzie will be home soon." Meredith finally said.

"Okay."

"I should go inside before she comes. If she sees us like this she'll just jump to conclusions."

"Okay." Neither made a move to break the hug. Finally, Meredith gave herself a push and slowly sat up.

"Will you call me about your appointment later so I can clear my schedule?" Derek asked her quietly. "You will need someone to drive you after the biopsy."

"I can take a cab, you don't have to rearrange your whole schedule for me."

"Please? I know why you don't want to tell anyone yet, but at least let me be there?" she hesitated, but he sounded so vulnerable asking her.

"Okay, I'll call you once I know when my appointment is."

"Thank you." For a moment, they looked at each other. His eyes flickered down to her lips. His tongue darted out between his lips, wetting them. Then, as if he'd made a decision his hands grabbed her face and pulled her down. His lips pressed against the crown of her head, where her forehead went over into her hair. His thumb caressed her cheek. They stayed like this for a moment, before he broke the contact.

"Try to get some rest if you can." he looked away from her. Meredith could only see his profile, but his jaw was clenched and his muscles were tense.

"I'll see you tomorrow at work then."

"Don't forget to call with the appointment."

"Right." she nodded in confirmation. "See y'a." He smiled slightly.

"See you." Meredith got out the car and closed the door behind her. She wasn't quite inside the her house yet, when his car sped away. She leaned her head against the cool glass of her front door and sighed.

She might have breast cancer. She was Derek's best friend. She was relying entirely too much on him. She wouldn't change it for anything, because right now, he was the only reason she wasn't running for the hills, burying her head in sand, pretending that nothing was wrong. Who cares if it was inappropriate, who cares that people might think they had an affair. Who bloody gave a damn about anything anyways.

"Meredith?" Izzie's voice came from behind her "Are you okay?" Meredith forced a smile on her face before turning around.

"Yeah. Just thinking. I didn't realise I was still standing outside."

"Oh."

"Its just that a lot has happened since I became an intern." That wasn't even a lie.

"Do you want to talk or something? I mean I know I'm not Cristina but..."

"Nah, I'm tired. I think I just try to get some rest. But thanks for the offer." Meredith unlocked the door. She had hoped to be up in her room by the time Izzie got home from work but then she had to go and get caught up in thought leaning against the front door. Izzie frowned at her words, but didn't protest.

"I'll see you tomorrow then, I guess."

"See y'a Iz."


	4. Life Is Short

**A/N** I'm pretty sure I just failed my Economics Exam, so to distract me, here's the new chapter a few days early.

I have no idea how the "you have breast cancer talk" works in real life (knock on wood, ladies), and so I did focus on the more plot relevant parts of the talk.

**Thanks to everyone who added my story to their alerts or favourites, and to everyone who reviewed. Don't forget, reviews are a fanfic writers paycheck :-)**

They were back again in the waiting room of Doctor Cox practice. And again Derek was sitting next to her, his arm casually thrown over the back of her chair. He appeared to be calm, but Meredith knew it was only a façade, if she were able to see his eyes from her position, she knew they would be stormy, just like they had been in the past 3 weeks, ever since she had asked him to follow her into that on call room.

"Meredith Grey." Meredith was calmer this time around and Derek didn't have to pull her up and force her into the exam room, which was weird all things considering. After all, today was the day of her sentence. The wait, first for the MRI and the biopsy and then for the results had been excruciating, but two days ago the call had finally come that the results were in and if she please were to come to Dr. Cox practise so that they may discuss the findings.

As they sat down, Derek grabbed her hand. She squeezed it gently. He had been great. Cheerful, light-hearted, flirty and dirty in almost everything he said to her in private, she had more than once hit him and called him an ass. He behaved like a dirtied up version of the Derek she had first met. And it worked the way he probably intended it to work, it took her mind of things and made her smile even if it was only for a short while. But apparently, he only treated her that way. Over the past 3 weeks Derek had gained a few new McNicknames among interns, calling him McDreary because he had been moping around the hospital. Of course that was nothing about the rumours flying around the hospital that he had reduced an entire OR into tears. That had earned him the title McBastard but no one actually dared to use that one because while they so far had gotten away with the McNicknames, calling an attending Bastard was just too daring. For most interns at least, because her friends certainly didn't have any inhibitions about calling Derek a McBastard or even just plain old bastard.

Dr. Cox walked into the room, her face in the same friendly-professional expression she had the last time, that gave nothing away about her diagnosis.

"Meredith, Derek, hello." they shook hands, before they settled down again and Dr. Cox opened her file. She looked over it quickly, probably making sure she had all information right before talking to her as Meredith liked to do herself before talking to a patient. Dr. Cox looked up. Derek gripped her hand tighter and she herself held her breath.

"The cells extracted from the tumour during the biopsy were cancerous. I am sorry Meredith, but you have breast cancer." Meredith exhaled loudly. Surprisingly the world didn't come crashing down around her like she had expected. Ever since their first doctors visit, she had prepared herself for the news that she had cancer. She had figured if its not cancer she would be pleasantly surprised instead of being totally crushed hoping for a benign growth and being told it was malignant.

"You have a invasive ductal carcinoma which is the most common form of breast cancer. Now, we can't completely stage the cancer until after we know if the lymph nodes are involved which we won't know for a while yet, but the good news is that we could not find anything on the MRI that suggests metastasis. All what we know suggest, that you are in Stage II." Derek's hand shook. She turned to look at him. He looked tense and serious, but calm.

"I know this is probably a bit much for you two to process, but time is of some importance here. If you are up to it, I would like to discuss what happens now. We can, of course reschedule if you need a little time to process what will happen. A few days won't change outcome for you, Meredith." Meredith swallowed.

"No, its okay. We are already here. I can't keep trading shifts much longer before my colleagues get suspicious. Of course that doesn't matter any more because I have cancer and now I have to tell them and..." The pressure on her hand increased. "Right, rambling. Stopping now." Dr. Cox smiled slightly.

"The tumours position and its relative size to the volume of your breasts would suggest that a mastectomy is in your best interest." Meredith tensed. In her whole preparing for having cancer she completely forgot that she might loose her breast.

"That is a very scary thought," Dr. Cox hurried to add, "but the position and size mean we have to remove a significant part of your breast, the cancer you have is known for spreading out tendril like through the tissue, which makes a mastectomy for you much safer than trying to do a breast-conserving surgery and miss cancerous cells."

"Right. Mastectomy." Meredith said flat. She would be one breasted freak. So much for picking up guys in bars. Looked like only Tequila was left for her now. Her head started to buzz.

"There is always reconstructive surgery." Derek said quietly as if he had sensed her thoughts.

"Yes, there is also reconstructive surgery. Now before this goes any further, I think you should take some time and think about things. Come to terms with it or even get a second opinion if you wish to. We will meet again in a few days and discuss the necessary surgeries and treatments in detail. A oncologist will be present as well, talking about what treatments might follow after the surgery. I will also include a plastic surgeon if you wish, who can tell you more about reconstructive surgery." Dr. Cox handed them both a bundle of leaflets. Then the meeting was over, they were walking out to Derek's car for the second time in a month and it was official, Meredith was now no longer the intern who screwed the married attending, or the girl who put her hand on a life-bomb, she was now the intern with cancer. Awesome. Her life sucked. She sighed. Derek had yet to talk. He hadn't said anything since he mentioned reconstructive surgery, being broody and did she dare to even think it, being McDreary.

"So... I have cancer." Meredith said calmly.

"You are calm."

"Ehr, yeah. I'm saving up my huge freak out for work tomorrow. Figured I'd give them a show and then I wouldn't have to tell anyone in person because they'd all hear it from the gossip network."

Derek frowned "That would be heartless."

"Jeez, I'm kidding."

"I don't really find it funny." He huffed. The car pulled over where they used to watch the sunrise and the ferries when they were still together. Meredith hadn't even noticed where they were going, she had just assumed he would drop her off at home like the last time. "You have cancer, Mer. They are cutting of your breast. You have a survival rate of 75%. 25% of the woman who were where you are now are dead, Meredith!", he was breathing heavy now.

"I have no idea was the survival rate is for holding an unexploded homemade bazooka head in your hand for hours, I don't think they even have statistics for that, but let me tell you, the survival rate isn't high. And yet here I am. Last month, I could have turned into the pink mist at the blink of an eye. What would have happened if I had sneezed or something? I would have been gone without a chance to get my affairs in order, without a chance to say goodbye. So what if I have cancer? Even in the very worst case scenario where everything goes wrong that could go wrong because Murphy just likes to fuck me over, I still wouldn't die instantly. I'd have time to do what I need to do. And compared to where I was last month? That is a fucking great prospect." Meredith breaths came in short, forced bursts.

"I guess?" Derek said hesitantly, obviously taken aback by her outburst. Meredith put her head on his shoulder. He gripped her hand again and his thumb was drawing lazy circles on the back of her hand. He had been doing that a lot since the on call room. Just touching her, nothing too intruding. A hand on her elbow to get her attention, a hand on on the small of her back when they were walking somewhere together and every once in a while when they were alone, mostly in the elevator he would hug her. It was as if he was constantly reaffirming that she was still there.

"What pisses me off the most is that they are going to cut of my breast" Meredith said into the silence of the car. "I kind of had come to terms with me going barhopping, picking up guys for a night after surgery until they would force me into a nursery home. That's never gonna work with just one breast and huge scars on my chest." The car was silent. Meredith knew she shouldn't have said that to Derek, it would be something she would say to Cristina, but Derek and her used to be a couple and it was just wrong.

"Your ass is still great though." Derek said after a while.

"Excuse me?"

"You were wondering how to pick up guys after the mastectomy."

"I know but, my ass?"

"Your breasts are great, I give you that, although can I just say, right now? I absolutely hate them. But your breasts aren't the only thing to catch a guys eye. Your ass is great. Just make sure that whoever you want to take home gets a good look on your ass, sway your hips, play a little with your hair and they're gonna follow you willingly. Besides you could always wear a prosthesis, then it wouldn't be noticeable under a shirt."

"That might be true, but its still not a solution when I finally got a guy go home with me."

"Meredith," Derek sighed "just keep your shirt and bra on and if you're still not comfortable, just turn around." Meredith blinked.

"Did you seriously just tell me how to have sex once I am a one-breasted freak?" Derek groaned and let his head slam forwards against the steering wheel.

"I think I did. Lets forget all about it, pretend it never happened and never mention this conversation again?" he looked at her hopeful.

"Why? You want to forget that your advice basically was when in doubt, turn around?"

"I hate you" he said weakly.

"No you don't" she said grinning "You love me." For a moment, time froze and they looked at each other. Meredith heart beat fast in her chest. She hadn't meant to say that. Crap. All the lightheartness from moments before, as weird as it had been, was gone. "I am your best friend after all." Meredith said after moment, hoping her smile looked convincing, like she had been planning on saying that all along. A small smile formed on Derek's face, but it was sad and reminiscent.

"That you are." They sat in silence for a while before Derek started the car again and drove towards her house. The atmosphere in the car wasn't exactly tense, but there was no teasing any longer, only silence. Stupid, Meredith, stupid, she thought. You just had to open your big mouth.

"Do you know a good lawyer in Seattle?" she heard herself suddenly say. My, her thoughts were all over the place today.

"What for?"

"I just remembered, that when I was holding the bomb, I was freaking out and I went on and on to Burke about how Izzie and George shouldn't have to move if I died and..." she shrugged. "I am responsible for my mother. I have to organise who will care for her in the worst case scenario. I have to decide what should happen with the house..."

"I was a client of a big law firm in New York. They have a office in Seattle. I can give you the phone number tomorrow."

"It just makes it so real, you know? I am responsible for my mother. Kind of like I were the mother." she laughed, but even to her ears it sounded hollow. He took a hand of the steering wheel and it found its way into her own.

"Have you thought about telling your friends? Or the Chief?"

"I don't really have anything to say to the Chief yet beyond I have cancer and I will need time off. You think its okay to wait until I have something concrete like a surgery and treatment plan before going to the Chief? Because I have no idea how long I will be out yet."

"I guess you can wait another week before telling the Chief, but Mer, your friends, they would want to know. You shouldn't keep this from them any longer."

"I know. I have no idea how to tell them."

"You'll figure it out, Mer. It doesn't has to be a polished speech. Just tell them, that's all they'll want from you." She nodded. They pulled up in front of her house.

"Thank you for going with me again today."

"You don't have to say thank you everytime I go with you to the Doctors, Mer."

"Yeah, I do. You take time of work and rearrange your schedule around my appointments which are at really weird times because I'm an intern and the hospital owns me."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way. If your appointments were in the middle of the night, I'd still go with you."

"Thank you." she winced as the words left her mouth. Derek started to say something but then he just shook his head and sighed.

"Its getting late, Addison will be waiting for you. You should probably head home."

"I should." He made no move to loosen his grip from her hand. She sighed and gently removed his hand from her own. He frowned.

"Call me when you have the date for your next appointment?" he asked when she opened the door. As she looked back to him, relief spread through her. He still wanted to be there, even though she would now tell her other friends.

"I will. Good night, Derek."

"Good night Meredith." she closed the door of the car and watched him speed away from the curb.

**Be nice and review, please. My day sucked and I need something to make me smile**


	5. Maybe Tomorrow Is A Better Day

Derek made it two blocks form where he had left Meredith before he had to pull over. He stumbled out of his car, blind because of the tears in his eyes, and emptied his stomach in the bushes. His shoulders heaved as he desperately tried to fill his lung with air.

Meredith had cancer. A deadly illness. For the second time in two months he knew her life to be in grave danger. Only this time it wasn't a bomb, it wasn't over after she let go of it. Cancer was... it would follow her around. Cancer was a tricky disease. You could cut out the tumour at one place and a new one would suddenly show up at another place. It could slowly grow over years without symptoms and then suddenly it would get aggressive and kill you. It would change her entire life, force her to make decisions now she normally would have years to make. He leaned against his car and let the rain soak him. Did Meredith want children? Had she ever even thought of having children? She would have to think about it now, make a decision now, most breast cancer treatments at least severely inhibited fertility. What about her career, she would be out of work for months. Would Richard let her finish her intern year? Would she have to repeat? And if she would have to repeat the year, would she have a guaranteed spot at Seattle Grace? The rain mixed with tears on his face. Crap, crap, crap. How much shit could the universe deal one person. Meredith didn't deserve this. This would change everything for her.

And then they were removing her breast. A mastectomy. He had noticed how she got more freaked out by the the thought of having her breast removed than she had been by the thought of having cancer in general. For a woman like Meredith who used her sexuality as a coping mechanism, the thought of loosing one of her main physical attractions must hit be hard. He had tried to made light of it earlier in the car. It was true, he had noticed her breasts on their first meeting. The tight black dress she had been wearing had given him a great view on them, one he had thoroughly enjoyed for the moment he had allowed his eyes to linger on them. Meredith though, she was so much more than just her body. Yes, it was a great body, one he had enjoyed discovering, but Meredith was intoxicating. She just had something that drew people in that had nothing to do with her body or its assets.

He shivered. Damn it was cold outside and he was completely soaked. He rubbed his face. A quick look on his watch told him he should have been home hours ago. Addison would be mad, he wished she would just yell at him. Then he could just yell back, but she just kept looking at him with big, hurt eyes and then they went on ignoring it. He felt like an ass, but goddamnit Meredith had cancer. He walked around his car. Even his shoes were soaked and made squishing noises. He started his car and cranked up the heat as he drove to the ferry dock. His head hurt, but he couldn't stop thinking. He had trouble to stop thinking since he had first felt the lump. These past 3 weeks, he shook his head. He didn't even remember the last time he had a good nights rest. He knew he was sleeping, because otherwise he would have completely lost his mind by now, but he never felt rested when he woke up. Derek knew he was having nightmares. When he woke up in the early hours of the morning, his shirt was always drenched in cold sweat. The only time he had even felt remotely at peace in the past 3 weeks had been with Meredith. Which was kind of ironic since she was the reason of his upset in the first place, but at least he knew she was okay when he was with her. She was alive and well and working and smiling and at times even laughing. He tried so hard, too hard, to pretend everything was normal for her. He knew what he was saying was getting dirtier and more inappropriate by the day, but it was just so damn hard to _try_ when he was tired and scared. He couldn't loose her, the thought that she wouldn't be there anymore, that he couldn't see her everyday, it was unbearable. At least she trusted him, talked to him, relied on him. He had no idea why, but he was so glad she allowed him to be there for her. He didn't knew what he would have done had he heard about her cancer in a few weeks from the nurses. He drove his car of the ferryboat. He still had a little while before he was home and had to face Addison. What had been his trailer for him right after he came out to Seattle, a place of solitude to sort through his troubled mind, had now become his car.

She had asked him if he knew a lawyer. She was getting her affairs in order. He knew it was only sensible to do so, especially with the condition her mother was in, but it scared him almost as much as her cancer scared him. It meant that she considered death to be a real possibility. He hated it!

He pulled up by the trailer. There was only a small light on in the kitchen, meaning that Addison was probably already asleep. He let out a breath of relief. Instantly he felt guilty. One shouldn't feel relieved that he was coming home so late his wife was already asleep and didn't wanted to talk about why he was so late, and yet he was. He opened the door as quietly as he could.

"Finally coming home?" Addison sounded as exhausted as he felt.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," he apologised as if there was nothing wrong with coming home this late when he wasn't working.

"You didn't. I was still awake, wondering where you were." her voice was accusing, of what, he wasn't entirely sure.

"I was out driving."

"Why?"

"Addison, what's with the 20 questions?" he heard himself snap at her. Guilt lay heavy in his stomach. He never snapped at her, he had barely even yelled when he had left her after finding her in bed with Mark.

"I am your wife, Derek. If you're going to come home late, at least call. I was worried." The guilt intensified.

"I'm sorry." he said quietly. He didn't meant to make Addison worried, he hadn't even thought about it. But that was part of the problem. He didn't think.

"Are you ever going to tell me what's wrong?" she asked in a quiet voice while he changed out of his damp clothes and into his pyjamas.

"Nothing is wrong." he didn't look at her, didn't want to see the hurt in her eyes.

"Of course Derek, nothing is wrong. Do you think I haven't noticed that you barely sleep? That you rearrange your schedule, reschedule your surgeries?" Her voice rose.

"I said nothing is wrong, Addison, let it go." he climbed under the covers and turned his back to her.

"Ignoring me, real mature Derek." he closed his eyes, none of this was Addisons fault, and still here he was hurting her.

"Just let it go, Addison. Please. I don't want to talk about it."

"So there is an 'it'?" she asked him.

"Addison." he groaned. "Go to sleep."

"Fine!" she snapped at him. He could feel her moving in the bed, putting as much room as possible between them. For a while he could only here the rain on the tinroof. He waited for Addisons breathing to even out, scared to move before she was asleep should she ask more questions.

"Just answer me one question." his wife said into the silence.

"What?" he asked resigned.

"Are you sleeping with someone else?"

"No." he was glad she phrased the question the way she did. He could answer it truthfully without feeling guilty. He didn't know what he would have said when she had asked him if he had spent the day with someone.

"Okay." she sounded relieved. He pressed the heels of his hands onto his eyes. Meredith had cancer. He needed sleep, he needed to try harder with Addison, he needed sleep, he needed to... Derek felt like he was drowning and this time there was no one there to save him. Meredith had cancer. He fell into an uneasy and much too short sleep.


	6. Let Them Talk

**A/N** Alex words are borrowed from episode 2x21

I got only 2 reviews for chapter 5 :-( But I am happy because I just finished my last exam and am done with Uni until fall (or at least until the resists...) so I give you a new chapter anyways...

This chapter is for Juni (who does not have an account) who has reviewed every single chapter so far, thanks dear.

Thanks to everyone for reading. But please leave a review.

Meredith woke up with a headache. After Derek had left her last night, she had put up a happy face for a few hours and watched a movie with Izzie, before she had cried herself to sleep. Today was day one after her diagnosis. The waiting, the what if, had come to an end. She now was officially cancer girl. Yippee. Now the informing people would begin. Somehow that part was harder then hearing her diagnosis. Once word got out, people would look at her again. Pity her. She hated being looked at. Meredith pressed the heels of her hand onto her eyes. They felt sore from all the crying she had done last night. Great, she probably looked like a wreck. Izzie knocked on her door.

"Mer, are you up yet? We need to leave in 20 minutes." she groaned. She didn't want to go to work today. Spending the day in bed hiding under her blankets sounded better by the minute.

"Meredith?" the doorknob turned.

"I'm up, Iz. I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay." the drive into the hospital was silent. Izzie had taken one good look at her after she had walked out of the room and hadn't said anything. The locker room was subdued. Alex and George were already there changing, and Cristina, having been on call the night before walked in just as Meredith was tying her shoes.

"You look like crap." Meredith looked up. Cristina stared down on her.

"Whatever." she shrugged, tying her other shoe. She could feel Cristina frowning at her.

"I saw Dr. Shepherd drop her off last night." Izzie said quietly. Meredith tensed, but refused to look up. That was bad. They would jump to the wrong conclusions and judge and before she knew it, rumours would have reached Addison and that would be very bad. She should probably say something, stop this before more could be said or whatever, but she was an avoider. She moved her head slightly so her hair fell forward covering her face. This was not happening. She flinched when George slammed his locker shut.

"Oh get over it O'Malley. So she's back to screwing Shepherd. It's not like you didn't know what you were getting into when you made a move on her. Stop moping around like a whiny little girl. You got laid, it went badly. A man would move on. But you're moping around like a dog that likes to get kicked." Alex said loudly. Crap, crap, crap. This was not how she wanted to tell them, but she couldn't just let it go. Interns like to talk and nurses overheard everything and then things spread like a wildfire through the whole hospital.

"I heard her cry last night." Izzie said while putting food in her locker. Meredith wanted to hit her. Did no one care for her privacy? The damn intern locker was no place to discuss things. Now she would have to tell them she had cancer right now before their shift and they would be distracted and kill people and it would be all her fault.

"Meredith doesn't cry." Cristina said with a conviction that left no room for discussion. "You must have heard something else."

"Of course, Cristina. I am so stupid I don't even recognise when one of my friends cries. Seriously?" Izzie looked angry. "I know I am not Cristina, but you could have told me you're back to doing Shepherd. We live together for heaven's sake. You were all weird for the past 3 weeks and I was worried. But no, nothing is wrong. Meredith is just being Meredith, ignoring all rules and screwing the married attending." Izzie slammed her locker shut and stormed out of the room.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Meredith." Meredith looked up in surprise at hearing Georges voice. "He's just using you. Again. And already you're crying." she was too shocked to say anything and just watched as George walked out of the room. Cristina sat down next to her.

"So what's really going on?" Alex quietly left the room and they were alone. Meredith sighed and rested her head on Cristina's shoulder. That Cristina didn't comment on it, showed she knew what ever was going on, was big for Meredith, really big.

"You can't get mad."

"Oh what did you do? Don't tell me Iz is right and you are back to doing McDreamy? You vanished an awful lot in the past month."

"No! Derek has just been a really good friend these past few weeks."

"Mer, seriously, what's going on." This is your person, Meredith, she thought, just get it over with.

"3 weeks ago I found a lump in my breast. I ran into Derek when I was upset. He calmed me down enough to tell him what's wrong and he's been taking me to all my appointments since. Yesterday, what Izzie saw was after we got the result back from my biopsy. Stage II, IDC." Cristina was silent.

"I didn't wanted anyone to know before I knew definitely that it was cancer. And well, since yesterday I know." Cristina's arm went around her back.

"Crap."

"Yeah."

"So McDreamy being all McDreary and McBastard these past few weeks..."

"Oh, leave him alone, Cris, he was perfectly nice."

"Yeah, to you maybe. He did make an entire OR cry."

"Now that is just a mean rumour." Derek's amused voice behind her made her jump. Cristina said up straight. Meredith leaned into Derek when he came to stand behind her and rested his hand on her shoulder. "I didn't make the entire OR cry. Bokey didn't cry."

"So you did make people cry? Derek!" Meredith scolded.

"He probably just got tired of people calling him McDreamy and tried to get a more manly McNickname." Cristina said.

"McDreamy is a manly nickname." she saw Derek flashing Cristina a smile.

"Yeah, not working on me..., McDreary." her person almost gleefully added. Meredith sighed.

"Are you going to be okay working today?" Derek's voice was concerned.

"Have to be, I am going to miss enough as it is." the hand on her shoulder moved towards her neck, gently massaging.

"I have the phone number you wanted. If they won't give you an appointment soon, tell me and I make one for you. I left lots of money at the firm."

"What did you need a lawyer for?"

"I was private practice, Mer. I had to make sure that in the worst case scenario only I would be liable, not Addison or the funds I put aside for my family." Meredith nodded.

"Has Dr. Cox called yet?"

"No. Don't worry, as soon as I know something I tell you." She sighed when Derek put his other hand on her shoulder as well and started massaging out the knots that had formed from her tension. She could feel Cristina's eyes on her, but she was too emotionally exhausted already and her shift had barely started.

"What are you doing here any way?" She asked Derek as she let her eyes fall shut.

"Dr. Stevens stormed past me and O'Malley was very disapprovingly staring at me. I thought I'd check on you and ask what's going on."

"Ah crap." Meredith's eyes flew open. "You almost made me forget. Izzie saw you drop me off yesterday and decided to announce it in the locker room this morning, complete with completely wrong conclusion of course. And George was all silently disapproving, so Alex yelled at him that its none of George's business if I am doing you. So you might want to go find Addison, before she hears some rumours and tries to kill me or something."

"Addison isn't working today."

"Oh and that makes it okay that everyone will think I'm a whore screwing you?" Meredith yelled as she whirled around and hit him on the chest. His arms went around her as she kept hitting Derek's chest, tears formed in her eyes.

"Meredith, calm down." the harder she fought to get out of his embrace, the tighter his arms wrapped around her. "Meredith, listen to me." She didn't want to listen to him, he would only promise everything would be okay, but it wouldn't. Everyone would judge her again.

"Meredith, please." she hiccuped. "Even if Addison were here today, she would know its just rumours."

"What if she doesn't, what if she jumps to conclusions?"

"I just bring up Mark." Derek said with an unconcerned shrug.

"You're an ass." She let her head fall forwards against his chest. She knew Cristina was watching them, was listening to everything they said and was going to have an opinion on it.

"She gave me permission to bring him up in fights. I haven't yet. But she is not working today, and so I have time and can prepare her that people are gossiping."

"I don't want you to fight because of me." she could feel him exhaling before he tightened his grip around her.

"We won't fight because of you, Mer. And if we fight, its because the people here like to gossip." Meredith nodded against his chest. "And even so, something more interesting will probably have happened by tomorrow. About you,Yang. Helping your friend out by getting caught stripping for Burke or something?" Meredith giggled and hit Derek slightly against the chest. He grinned at her wide.

"Forget it McDreamy." the tension that had built up in the room moments before had dissolved.

"So, I am doing a brain bypass later, want to scrub in? Cutting some brains will make you feel better." Meredith slowly disentangled herself from his arms. It felt good when he held her close like that, but this was work and it was totally not appropriate any ways. That reminded her, she hadn't told Cristina how Derek had examined her breast and then they'd hugged forever with her naked chest pressed against him.

"Ask Iz to scrub in with you, I'm really not in the mood for listening to lectures about how you favour me."

"I don't favour you."

"I know you don't. But Izzie will think so."

"What if I don't want to work with Stevens?"

"Derek, you're an attending in a teaching hospital. Go, teach."

"Fine, I'll leave you two alone then." Meredith sat down again.

"Go on, say it."

"I've got nothing to say." Cristina said in a tone that meant she had a lot to say.

"Let it out before you choke on it, I can handle it."

"You two are seriously not doing each other?" Meredith looked at her offended. "I'm not judging, just asking because you're behaving like you do. All couplely and touchy in your little bubble ignoring the outside world. Actually you're more touchy now then when you were an actual couple."

"We're not, just friends. He says I'm his best friend."

"But you said yourself, he's still McDreamy."

"Yeah well..." Meredith sighed. "I have cancer. Give me a break."

"That's unfair, you can't pull the cancer card."

"Sure can." If she had to have cancer and everyone had to know, the least she would to was use it to her advantage in arguments.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay." They sat in silence for a while, just leaning onto each other. So much bodily contact, it was unusual for them, but this was not a usual situation. Luckily, neither of their pagers went off.

"We're lucky Bailey isn't here to tell us to get to work."

"Yeah."

"When are you telling the others."

"Well, George and Izzie are currently not talking to me, so I guess Alex is next."

"So what'll happen next?"

"I have another meeting with a oncologist and plastic surgeon, where we'll discuss treatment options, and then I guess, they're going to cut off my breast."

"Crap."

"Yeah."

"We fit together well. I have only one ovary, you are going to have one breast." Meredith tensed, that was something about her diagnosis that she absolutely didn't like to think about.

"We should go to work."

"Yep." They got up and walked out of the locker room to start their shift. "Hey Mer, Joe's tonight?"

"Sure." Meredith smiled and walked away, not noticing Cristina slipping away into the next ladies room with leaking eyes.

Meredith was aware of the stares and whispers as she worked, but she mostly ignored them. It wasn't quite as bad as the last time she had been Seattle Grace's hot topic. Well that was a lie, but Meredith felt like she just got used to it.

When lunchtime came around, Cristina was nowhere to be seen, a quick trip to the OR board showed her scrubbed in with Burke. Meredith sighed. That meant lunch alone. She doubted George or Izzie would sit with her today. She looked up when a tray slammed down next to her.

"They being all judgemental on you for doing Shepherd?" Alex asked

"I'm not doing Derek."

"You're not? The whole hospital thinks you do."

"I know. Just because Izzie couldn't keep her mouth shut. And you're no better. I mean the rant was all nice and everything, but did you have to bring Derek into it? It sounded like you confirmed it."

"Dude, the nurses were talking before. He's an ass, but he's constantly flirting with you."

"Oh shut up." Meredith stabbed her her salad.

"Soooo...?"

"IDC, stage II." Alex made choking noises. She really should have made sure he wasn't swallowing when she told him. He coughed loudly.

"You might want to prepare people, instead of blurting it out like that."

"They're gonna cut off my right breast."

"Sucks. So why's McDreamy all over you?"

"Because I told him when I found the lump. He's been going with me ever since. I got the biopsy results yesterday, he dropped me off at home afterwards. And did you just call Derek McDreamy?"

"No I didn't. When your life sucks, it really sucks doesn't it."

"Yeah." Meredith sighed. Cristina had taken the news really well and Alex seemed almost blasé about it. He might be an ass to almost everyone, and often even to her, but they got each other. He was just as screwed up as she was.

"You and Yang getting drunk tonight?"

"You bet your ass we will."

"Do me a favour? As endearing as I find your habit of screwing inappropriate men when your life sucks, don't take anyone home tonight."

"Nice, Alex. Real nice. So what if I want to get laid before they cut of my breast and no one will ever want to have sex with me again."

"I don't think Shepherd will take to kindly to it. And the way you've been all over each other in the past few days..." Meredith raised her eyebrow "Just saying, man."

"Derek has nothing to do with it. He's married. I can take a guy home with me if I want to."

"If you say so." they sat the rest of lunch in silence.

Hours later, Meredith escaped into an on call room. Sighing she dropped onto the bottom bunk.

"Escaping the gossip?" Cristina asked from above her.

"God, yes. At least the patients haven't heard anything yet. I don't really need a repeat of the last time."

"How are you holding up Mer?"

"I'm fine."

"Yeah sure."

"No really. Well no but... Last month I held a fucking bomb for hours and this month I have cancer and I just try not to focus on it unless I absolutely have to, because otherwise I start thinking about how much it sucks to be me and drown in self-pity."

"Okay. We still going to get sloshed tonight though, right?"

"Yeah, not even I am that good at avoidance." Meredith tiredly rubbed her eyes. "Am I stupid for letting Der back in?"

"You have cancer, give yourself a break."

"Cristina, seriously."

"I don't know Mer. I want to say yes because he was an ass to you, but you say ever since he found out he's been really good to you."

"But you think I am just setting myself up for getting hurt again, when somewhere along the line Addison makes him choose because he's too close to me?"

"You said that, Mer, not me."

"Crap. It's just when he's there, I'm not scared. Or well that's not entirely true, but I am less scared. He makes it bearable. Is it so wrong of me that I am trying to hold onto that, even though he is not mine to hold onto?"

"No Mer. It just makes you human."

"Thank you for not judging and not freaking out on my or anything."

"We're still getting completely sloshed tonight at Joe's and forget about all this crap."

"Yes we are."

**Thank you for reading and don't forget to review!**

Next update will be the regular Friday update, and I have to say it is my favourite chapter so far (but then, I'm only writing chapter 10 right now)


	7. Fools Like Me

**A/N** Putting drunk-talk into writing is hard. I gave my best.

Meredith and Derek, mostly Derek, got a little out of hand while I was writing this. Consider yourself warned.

**Thanks for the reviews, it made me really happy to read all of your opinions of the story. :-) I'm looking forward to reading your reaction to this chapter... so don't forget to leave a review after reading.**

Do not yell. You are her boss, her teacher, do not yell. Derek concentrated on scrubbing out more intense than he had ever done before. Disapproval rolled of Isobel Stevens in waves, making the air in the scrub room thick and uncomfortable. Screw it. Derek threw the soap bar into the sink.

"I don't care what your problem is, Dr. Stevens, but if you ever bring your personal problems or opinions in my OR again, I'll make sure that's the last surgery you ever assist in. I am your boss, behave accordingly" his voice was cold as he forced himself not to yell. Meredith wouldn't want him to fight this battle for her, but he had had to say something.

He dried his hands and left the room in a hurry. He needed to leave before he said something he would regret. Today had not been an easy day. Whispers and stares had followed him everywhere and it actually started to unnerve him, so what must Meredith be feeling, the claimed homewrecker? He knew he told Meredith earlier Addison wouldn't jump to conclusions, but still he was glad she had the day off. It would have been ugly and she didn't really needed to hear all the gossip with made-up stories where he and Mer had been seen sneaking around the hospital. One nurse actually had caught on that he rescheduled his days on the same days Meredith was not in, that had fuelled the fire to new heights.

He needed a drink before he went home and talked to Addison.

Joe's was full of hospital staff as usual. He smiled briefly as he remembered the night he met Meredith here. He let his eyes sweep the room for an empty space, he was not that late but the crowd was unusually big. Next to Meredith and Cristina was some empty space at the bar, but that would be just adding more fuel to the fire. He noticed the impressive stack of shot glasses in front of the two interns. He spotted an opening at the bar next to one of Mer's friends, Karev.

He nodded at Joe in greeting "Double Scotch, single malt."

"Sure thing, Doc." he sat down and nipped at his Scotch.

"Evening Karev." He said carefully. He didn't know if Meredith had told him the truth yet, but the way the younger man was holding onto his beer, his eyes never leaving Meredith and Cristina let him think he probably knew.

"Dr. Shepherd." the other man replied.

"Do you know how long they've been drinking?"

"About an hour?"

"They drank that much in an hour. Oh, they're going to be sorry in the morning." Karev snorted in his beer.

"Yeah. They spent the last 20 minutes trying to convince Joe to just leave the bottle of Tequila and two straws with them. I've been watching, waiting for the alcohol to kick in."

"It hasn't yet?"

"Dude, they're still sitting upright. That shouldn't be possible with the amount of Tequila they just drank. They're what? A hundred pounds soaking wet each?" Derek laughed.

"Don't underestimated their ability to hold their Tequila. I've seen Mer drink it like it were water."

"Yeah we all have. Never had a better reason that tonight."

"No, I guess not." He took another sip of scotch, enjoying the smoky burn in the back of his throat.

"Are you okay, Karev?" the other man laughed.

"Sure. Why wouldn't I? Its only Mer, afterall." Karev looked at him. "She gets me y'a know, better than anyone else. We're like the same or something. And now she's got cancer. Man, life never gives her a break."

"Yeah..." it didn't really warrant a proper supply.

"I felt like I should keep an eye on them tonight." Derek looked at Karev, the intern seemed to be surprised. Derek wasn't sure whether it was because he was sharing this with Derek or because he very obviously just admitted he cared. The doctor reminded him a bit of a younger Mark, only... better. But then his view on Mark was severely skewed this days.

"Are you gonna keep an eye on them? I'm going to call it a night, I'm on call tomorrow night." Derek looked up, he had planned to just finish this one drink and then go home to talk to Addison, but Karev looked tired and Derek remembered just too well what being an intern was like.

"Sure." The other doctor held his gaze for a while.

"Don't hurt her. I've seen what you've been doing. And the last thing she needs is you changing your mind about taking care of her." Karev moved and walked away before Derek had time to formulate a reply.

Not long after the other doctor left, Cristina tried getting off the barstool. Derek watched her loose her footing and before he could do anything more than flinch she tried to hold onto Meredith and both were a mess of intertwined limps on Joe's floor. He heard Meredith giggle loudly. He swallowed the rest of his Scotch and got up. By the time he made it around the bar to where they were lying, they had sorted themselves out, but were still sitting on the floor, giggling like two madwomen. Joe was standing over them, worry in his face.

"McDreamy" Cristina saw him first. Meredith looked up.

"Derek." the smile on her face brightened. The two woman clambered to their feet, holding onto each other. They swayed. On instinct, Derek wrapped his arms around each of their waists to stop them from toppling over again. As if the response were automatic, Meredith wrapped her arms around him resting her head on his chest. Cristina stood up straighter, trying to stop swaying.

"I think its time for the two of you go home. You're completely sloshed."

"Weeee're not drrrrrrrunk." Cristina slurred.

"Of course not, Yang."

"'M drunk" Meredith murmured in his chest. He wrapped his arms tighter around her. This would give the gossip mongers a whole lot new stories to tell.

"Put your arm around me, Yang. I'm going to drive you home."

"I cannnn walk." the asian woman said with conviction. Well, as much conviction as a drunk person can have at least.

"Then walk." his hand hoovered at her elbow, ready to hold on should she fall. The doctor made a few stumbling steps, before she almost fell over and Derek grabbed her elbow.

"Will you put your arm around me now, Yang?"

"No get'n frisky. Men take ad'tage of drrrrunk women." Derek laughed.

"I thought you weren't drunk?" Cristina put her arms to her hips and stared at him. Her stare would have been much more effective hadn't she been swaying, now it made Derek smile.

"I promise." she nodded before putting her arm around him, holding her distance.

"Let's go." he slowly half-carried, half-dragged the two woman out of Joe's. The steps to the parking lot proofed to be a real challenge for them as they had trouble putting two feet in front on each other on even ground. He had to stop in between to untangle Cristina's hands from his hair because drunken her had decided she needed to find out if his hair felt as soft as it looked. He was glad when he finally got the two of them into the backseat of his car. He closed the door firmly. It would be a while until he could even think about going home. He got out his phone, and dialled Addisons number.

"Montgomery-Shepherd." her voice was cool.

"Addison. I hope I didn't wake you up."

"It's not that late. I was reading. Are you on your way home yet, or are you still at the hospital." For a moment he considered lying, she had presented him with the perfect excuse, but there was no sense in lying about it, too many of the hospital staff had seen him, she would hear about this sooner or later, he might as well tell her right now."

"It will be awhile. I was at Joe's for a drink after work, and Meredith and Cristina Yang got drunk. I will drop them off before coming home." Addison was silent. Maybe he should have lied?

"Addie?"

"What do you want me to say Derek?"

"You said I should call when I'd be home late, yesterday. This is me doing what you asked." Somehow, he thought, this wasn't quite what she had meant, but oh well.

"We'll talk later." she hung up on him. Derek winced. Calling Addison hadn't been a very smart move. He wasn't looking forward to telling her about the hospital gossip later. Hopefully she would still be awake. Otherwise he would have to tell her tomorrow morning directly before work, because he couldn't let her go in without at least giving her a fair warning about the looks she would be receiving. He started his car. He figured it would be easier to drop both of them off at Meredith's, he wasn't feeling like trying to get Cristinas address out of her in the state she was currently in.

The drive was short. It was an advantage he had enjoyed when he had been staying at Merediths. Sleep was so precious to doctors, and living so close to the hospital always meant a few extra minutes of sleep, or as it had been in their case, often sex.

He pulled up in the driveway. The house was dark. Stevens either wasn't home or already asleep. He looked in the rearviewmirror. Both women were fast asleep, Cristina stretched out and half on top of Meredith, who had curled up in the corner.

He got out, and went to the front door. He was lucky, just like he had hoped, it was unlocked. He left if wide open. Gently he pulled Cristina outside of the car, picked her up and carried her inside. He eyed the couch for a moment, no he wouldn't want to wake up hungover on there, he decided. They wouldn't mind sleeping in the same bed. He carried her up the stairs and into Meredith's room. He felt a bit silly when he pulled of her shoes before tucking her under the cover. She didn't even stir once. He walked down the stairs quietly. He had no idea if Stevens was home, but he wasn't going to risk waking her up. He was in no mood to face her. Meredith was still fast asleep in his car. He gathered her up like he had Cristina minutes before. The last time he had carried a woman like this before tonight, Derek thought as he passed over the threshold, was almost 11 years ago when Addison had insisted he carry her over the threshold as his bride because it was tradition. Briefly he imagined himself carrying Meredith in a white dress, she would giggle no doubt about the silly tradition, but humour him nonetheless. Was she a white-dress-wedding kind of girl? Probably not, he thought. She shifted in his arms, pulling him from his mind and he adjusted his hold on her. She nuzzled her nose into the crook of his neck.

"Smell nice." she sighed and her arms wrapped themselves around his neck as he carried her up the stairs. He felt her lips on his neck, moving slowly along in small kisses. Reflexively he tightened his grip on her. She giggled softly and pulled herself up to reach his jaw. She covered it in soft kisses, it was only a few more steps until the bedroom. Her lips felt so good on his skin. She's drunk, he reminded himself, so drunk you have to carry her to her bed. She doesn't know what she's doing. They were almost in her bedroom when she kissed the corner of his mouth. He twisted his head away. Not so much because he wanted to, but because he knew he had to.

Instead of on his lips, her mouth landed on the spot just below his ear, where his jaw and neck met. That was worse than had she properly kissed him. He moaned when her tongue flickered over the spot. She had discovered it during their tryst in his car at her party. She had been kissing him along his neck while riding him, when suddenly she had hit the spot and it made him buck his hips wildly when the sensation went straight down his spine into his cock already buried deep inside her. It had surprised him, that after more of 20 years with an active sex life, this woman he had just met had found a spot on his body he hadn't known existed to drive him wild.

She sucked on the spot gently. Already his pants were uncomfortable tight, as his cock strained against the confinement of his fabric-prison. Two more steps until he could put her down on the bed, walking became hard. She moved her lips lower down his neck. They were there. He had pulled the covers aside when he had put Cristina to bed, so he only needed to put her down. He leaned over and gently released his hold onto her legs and her back. Her grip around his neck tightened. With a quick twist he hadn't seen coming, her legs were wrapped around him. With a mind of its own, his hips thrust forward into her clothes-covered pelvis. He hovered over her, one arm found its way to her hip, the other holding up most of his weight. She pulled herself up and pressed her lips against his. Her movement made her centre rub across his groin. He imagined he could feel the heat of her arousal even through four layers of clothing. Her tongue teased his lips and they parted automatically allowing her entrance to his mouth. His grip on her hip tightened as he got lost in the familiarity of their kiss. His eyes closed and he savoured the feeling of her lips against his. All thought abandoned him and he climbed on top of her, stretching out, pressing the lengths of their bodies together. Her legs fell of his waist, spreading herself wider open and he sank deeper against her centre. They were wearing way too much clothing. Somewhere in the back of his mind, where rational thought still existed, he knew there was a reason why he wasn't supposed to do this, aside from that she was drunk and he was sober, why he hadn't done this in months, but for the hell of it, he couldn't figure out what it was. She just felt so good pressed up against him like she was, perfectly fitting together. Why had he ever given this up? One of her hands was running up and down his back, slowly dragging his dress shirt and shirt out of his pants. Her other hand was running trough his hair, gently scratching the skin. This was perfection, this was heaven on earth. The hand that had been on her hip, wandered towards the button of Meredith's jeans. With a flick of his wrist, he popped it open, being a surgeon was awesome. He lowered the zipper, before worming his hands inside. It was a tight fight, her jeans didn't leave much room, but somehow he made it. He ran his hand over her panties. They were drenched and she was hot and ready for him. With a little manoeuvring he was able to push her panties aside and he ran a finger over her folds, gently prying them open, teasing her before pushing a finger inside of her. His hips bucked at the feeling. She moaned in his mouth. The tight jeans didn't leave him much room for movement, but for now it was enough. He rubbed himself against her thigh. Meredith withdrew the hand on his back and silently started working on his belt. The hand that hand been running through his hair and twisted itself into his dark locks, holding on, pulling gently when he hit a particular sensitive sport with his fingers. He ripped his lips from her mouth and assaulted her neck. Her hand ran over his erection. He pressed himself harder against her hand. She made cute little moaning sounds that made him want to go on forver.

Something kicked him in the leg. His eyes flew open. There was no way that Meredith had kicked him in the leg, he was straddling one of her legs, and the other one was one the wrong side for it to be her. His eyes moved the left. Cristina. Merediths hand was on him, freeing him of his boxers, teasing gently and for a precious second his mind went blank again. CRISTINA. His body stiffened. Holy shit. He pulled his hand out of Merediths pants as fast as he could. She cried out in protest. He winced at the noise, but Cristina remained oblivious to the world. Her hand in his hair tightened and she tried to pull him down for another kiss. He shook his head and gently removed her hand from his throbbing cock.

"Cristina." he said quietly. She looked at him with big question marks in her eyes. He nodded into the direction the other woman was lying. Meredith followed his movement with her eyes. When she saw her person lying next to her, deep in an alcohol induced sleep, her mouth formed a surprised 'o'. Derek got up. He was still uncomfortably erected, he would have to calm down before he would be able to zip up his pants again. He tried to take deep breaths, but Meredith wide eyes followed his movement, making it very hard to concentrate on something other than how good she felt or that her arousal was still covering his fingers. The heady smell was making him dizzy. He took a few steps back.

"I'll..." he desperately tried to think of something to say "I'll get you some water and aspirin for your hangover tomorrow morning." he finally said, leaving the room as fast as his hard on would allow. Oh god, they hadn't even closed the door. If Stevens... He crossed the hallway and went into the bathroom. He could still feel Merediths long fingers wrapped around his hard on. He just needed to wash of Meredith of his fingers, and focus on something else. He washed his hands with hot water and soap, but the smell was stuck in his nose. She had felt so good. The slightest movement, and his boxers or jeans rubbed against his erection, tingling sensations running up his spine. If he could just... then he would be okay. His balls were sore, begging for release. His hand twitched towards his erection. No, he couldn't do that. This was Meredith's bathroom. That was just wrong. _Not as wrong as pleasuring your ex-girlfriend while your wife waits for you at home_. Guilt slammed into him, making it hard to breathe. He was a cheater. He had cheated. He had betrayed his vows. For real this time. Addison and he were _trying_! He barely noticed as his erection went away. Oh god, what had he done. He had almost slept with Meredith, hadn't Cristina kicked him and brought him to his senses. Shit, he almost had sex with Meredith with Cristina sleeping right next to them. He had put his hand into Merediths panties, pleasured her, while Cristina was sleeping right next to them. He was not only a cheater, he was a pervert. He needed to get out of here. Fresh air would help, it would make Meredith's smell that was still in his nose go away. He hesitated. He had said he would give Mer water and aspirin for tomorrow morning. Would he manage to go back into the bedroom? Yes, he decided, he just had to keep his distance from Meredith. He closed his pants. He grabbed a couple of Aspirin from the bottle in the medicine cabinet, the same place where it had always been when he had stayed over during their brief relationship. Meredith was asleep when he came back into the room. How long had he been gone? She had taken off her jeans and was only in her shirt and panties. He kept his focus on Cristina as good as he could while evenly distributed the pills on their nightstands. Water. He needed to get water. Glasses were in the kitchen. He walked down the stairs. As he walked down, he saw that the door to Izzie's room was open, his heart stopped in his chest, but then he saw that her bed was empty and made. That was good. He grabbed to glasses and a big bottle of water from the fridge. He almost ran up the stairs and hurriedly put them down in the bedroom. He needed to get out of here. He breathed in relief when he closed the door behind him, but the breath almost chocked him. He could still smell Meredith. Lavender clung all around him, but he would be able to explain that away by having to carry her, but there was the faint smell of arousal. Had he smeared some of her fluids on him? He hadn't been careful, hadn't been thinking. He checked his jeans for stains in the faint light of a street latern, but he couldn't see anything. Adulterer, the voice in his head screamed, already trying to erase all proof. God, what time was it? He had to go home, Addison was waiting. Waiting for him. Just yesterday she had asked him if he was sleeping with someone else, and he had honestly been able to say no. Today, barely 24 hours later, he had made an liar out of himself. Panic gripped him. How was he supposed to go home to Addison? He only knew he had to. Meredith wouldn't remember in the morning. She was drunk. She would kill him if she knew what he had let happen. He was a cheater, a pervert, he had taken advantage of a drunken woman. Just moments before he had thought about how he couldn't let her do anything because she was drunk, and then that went all out of the window just because she had touched him. What had he done? What had he done? He tried to hold onto one thought, but they wouldn't hold still long enough for him to make sense of them. He drove his car onto the ferryboat and got out to stand on the deck despite the late hour. Maybe the seabreeze would be able to clear his mind, blow away all lingering smell of Meredith on him. The trip was too short, he thought as he started his car again and drove off the dock. Just a few more minutes and he would have to face Addison. His heart beat hard in his chest. He had just about climbed of Meredith, and now he was facing his wife.

When he pulled up next to the trailer, the lights were still on. Addison was in the hammock on the patio, covered by plenty of blankets, a book in her lap.

"You're here." she smiled slightly, "Did you get Meredith and Dr. Yang settled?", she wasn't suspicious. His gut twisted and he felt nauseous. No matter what Addie had done to him, she didn't deserve this.

"Yeah." he nodded. "I need a shower, it was a long day." he hesitated. "Afterwards, can we talk?" She looked at him. "We said we would."

Right, her last words before she had hung up the phone earlier. The call that felt like a lifetime ago when in reality it had only been what?, he checked the time. Not even 3 hours ago. He walked into the trailer, dropping his clothes as he went. The smell of arousal had finally left them. It probably had been his imagination and the fresh air of the sea had flushed it away. He stepped into the small cubicle. The water ran over him. He grabbed his shampoo and started to wash his hair. His nails scrapped over his scalp. Like Merediths had. He drew in a sharp breath. His cock stirred to life again. Half-rising. He closed his eyes. He shouldn't. This was wrong. His wife was right outside. He couldn't jerk off thinking of his ex-girlfriend in the shower with his wife sitting outside on the patio of their home. He grabbed his shaft tightly, replacing his bigger hand with Merediths smaller one in his mind. He rose, coming to full attention. He was ready, it wouldn't take much. He needed to do something with all this sexual tension that was running through him. And relieving it with Addison just wasn't an option, that would add a whole new level of wrong to this whole mess. His hand moved faster, tighter. His head fell back against the shower wall. His jaw clenched, he refused to make a sound. Meredith, she had been so wet around his finger. If they were still together, he would be filling her right now. It would have been rough tonight, he decided. Not the slow, gentle lovemaking they sometimes had done, but the wild, soul-possesing, unrestrained sex. The one were he pounded into her in wild abandon and she clawed on him and screamed until her throat was sore when she came. His hand moved fast and he felt his balls tighten. Almost there. Meredith showed up in his mind, naked, spread out for him to feast on, glistering wet, just waiting for him to take her. He spilled himself and as the tepid water washed the evidence of his doings away, he felt relieved. Then, shame added itself to the mount of bad feelings he had that night. He had just jerked off like some teenager. He felt dirty. He had thought about enjoying Merediths body while his wife was waiting for him to talk. He walked out of the shower, put on his pyjamas, he wasn't feeling like getting properly dressed and walked into the small bathroom to brush his teeth. While he scrubbed them clean, he looked into the mirror, trying to find the man he used to be, the man he thought he was. Tonight he had betrayed everything he had believed in, his vows, his integrity, his honour... Most likely the only part of him that survived the night without harm had been his pride, nourished by the thought that two so attractive women wanted him. He was disgusted with himself as the thought entered his mind. He was a whore. He was worse than Mark. At least Mark didn't pretend to be a good man, a mothers dream for her daughter. McDreamy. Yeah right. He heard Addison walk into the trailer. He needed to pull it together. He rinsed his mouth.

"Ready to talk?" she looked at him as she put down the blankets on the couch.

"Yeah." he swallowed hard. How to start. "There is gossip floating around the hospital..." Derek started. A few hours ago, he could have honestly said that it was just that, gossip. The overactive imagination of people bored with their own lives. Now, whatever they said it held a certain truth to it. He was a cheater. His jaw clenched.

"There is always gossip, This place thrives of gossip." He smiled briefly at Addisons comment.

"About me and Meredith, that we are sleeping together. The reason for this gossip," he spoke fast, hoping to get it all out before Addison could react. Hoping if he just kept talking fast enough, this night would end."On the days when I rearranged my schedule, you mentioned them yesterday, I was with Meredith. I took her to her doctors appointments. She found a lump in her breast and since I was the first of her friends to ask her what was wrong after she found it, she confided in me. She didn't want to tell anyone else before she knew anything concrete. Yesterday she found out its a stage II, IDC. I dropped her off at her house afterwards and Stevens saw, jumped to the wrong conclusions and confronted Mer in the locker room quite loudly this morning. Seattle Grace being what it is, it was all over the hospital before morning rounds were over. So far, in the hospital, its only the two of us, Cristina Yang and Alex Karev that know that Meredith is sick. She was going to tell her friends today, but things got out of hand this morning. That I took her and Cristina home from Joe's tonight probably didn't help, but I couldn't just leave them there, they were so drunk I had to carry them inside. Not that I blame them, getting that diagnosis and then on top of it all the stares and whispers in the hospital today..." Derek ended his explanation,slightly out of breath. Interesting, looked like he was no longer only rambling in his head. Meredith had really rubbed of on him. He felt heat crawling up his neck. Bad thought, very bad. Addison was stone-faced and looked even a little overwhelmed. Derek's nerves were tense, and the longer the silence stretched on, the worse it got.

"Addie?" he asked, almost afraid.

"Meredith Grey has breast cancer?" that was not the part of his explanation he had expected Addison to react to first. He had to give her more credit, she was a good person, she cared about people.

"Yes."

"That's why you've been such a complete ass to everyone but Meredith in the past few weeks?" He winced.

"Yes. Its just..." he shrugged helplessly. "It scares the shit out of me." that was the truth. The most harmless part of the truth, but still the truth.

"How is she doing?"

"Considering the circumstances? Mostly okay, tonights drinking binge aside."

"I'm glad. What doctor is she going to?" Addison nodded.

"Dr. Cox."

"She's good. If I had to go somewhere here in Seattle, that's were I would go." Derek only nodded. What was there to say? He waited for Addison to say more, waited for the big blow-up he deserved, but she was strangely quiet, staring out of the window.

"I'm going to bed." He finally said. The guilt and shame were heavy in his stomach. Was this what Addison had felt after he had left? He laid on his side, staring against the wall. He couldn't close his eyes, whenever he did, he went back to Meredith's bed. He was lying in his marital bed, and he couldn't stop thinking about how she had felt against him. He felt sick. A hand was on his shoulder. He flinched. The hand withdrew.

"Are you okay, Derek."

"No." he said truthfully, what else was there to say, he had just flinched away from his wife's touch.

"Okay.", she sounded hurt, "Stage II, means she has very good chances, Derek. 75% survival rate".

"I know." they were silent. It added to his shame. He had almost forgotten Mer had cancer tonight, his thoughts were so consumed by what he had done and here there was his wife, trying to assure him. And Addison cared! She had tried to reassure him even. He was a disgusting person. Sleep eluded him that night. He stared at the ceiling long after Addison had fallen asleep. What was he supposed to do? The logical thing was to pack up everything, take Addison and leave, go somewhere where Meredith wasn't tempting him. Only... there was no logic to this situation and the thought of leaving robbed him of his breath. Karev's words kept running through his mind _don't hurt her_ he had said. Going somewhere, leaving Meredith behind, the thought was unbearable. Not being able to hold her, not to support her... He had to be close to her. He just had to make sure he didn't get _too_ close to her. What happened tonight, could never happen again. He would not cheapen what he and Meredith had had.

And in all likelihood she wouldn't even remember what had transpired between them tonight. He hoped, and then he could just carry on like normal, pretend it never happened. Did it make him a better or a worse person that he hoped Meredith wouldn't remember their encounter in the morning? That he hoped he could continue his life of lies and pretending and unacknowledged feelings for a little longer. He and Meredith could remain friends and he could keep supporting her and he and Addison could keep doing whatever they were doing, could keep trying. Meredith didn't need more drama in her life, irrational guilt she would surely feel if he left Addison now, he needed to wait it out, just be her friend.

**What do y'all think? I need reviews :-)**


	8. I Got You

**A/N** Thanks for the reviews.

Meredith head pounded. The light that was creeping in the room threw the windows stung in her eyes.

"I'm dead." a voice groaned next to her. Meredith slowly turned her head. Cristina was lying next to her, staring straight at the ceiling.

"Me too." Her stomach churned. Urgh, no throwing up, please. Her alarm went off. Pain shot through her head.

"Turn it off!" Cristina winced. Blindly Meredith felt for the alarm clock. "Hurry. It's killing me." She finally turned her head to look for the clock. There it was. She hit the button to turn it of. Aspirin, a glass and a water bottle were on her nightstand. She smiled a bit, but the movement made her head hurt worse, so she stopped.

"Is there aspirin and water on your nightstand?" she asked Cristina. It was silent.

"Yeah." Meredith swallowed the pills. "How much did we drink last night?" she started to speak once the pain meds kicked in.

"I'm not sure. Last night is kinda fuzzy."

"Yeah."

"How did we end up here?" Meredith tried to reconstruct last night in her mind. Derek.

"Derek." she voiced out loud.

"Crap. I think I remember running my hand through his hair." Meredith wanted to laugh at Cristina, but she just hurt too much.

"Work?"

"Have to." Meredith slowly forced her body into an upright position. The room wobbled, but it didn't spin and that was good.

Getting ready was slow for both of them, the light was too bright, noises too loud, and she felt very much like roadkill. They shared the cab to the hospital in silence. She really should have called in sick, Meredith realised when she entered the bustling lobby. Cristina seemed to have come to the same realisation. She leaned against the cold steel of the elevator.

In the locker room, the other interns were already there. Izzie was still looking at her angrily and George was still avoiding her eyes, but she was just too hungover to care.

"Izzie, you're with Burke, Karev – Montgomery-Shepherd, O'Malley – sutures, Yang – pit, Grey – Shepherd. Yes, I'm back, now go to work." Bailey's voice was loud. Crap. Today was Bailey's return from maternity leave. She was dead. So dead. She forced her body to move. "Yang, Grey are you deaf?", the Nazi was back, oh joy. Meredith moved slowly out of the locker room and went off in search of Derek. He was leaning against the nurse station, reading in a chart.

"Morning Derek. I'm your intern today." she plastered a smile on her face. Friend or not, he was still an attending. It didn't matter that he apparently had put her drunken ass to bed last night, here she had to pretend she was fine.

"How's the hangover?" he looked up. Something was different today.

"I'm fine. Someone put water and aspirin on my nightstand. That helped a lot."

"I'd imagine." He handed her the chart. "Prep Mrs Norman in 2135 for a craniotomy. You can scrub in." Meredith frowned. Something was definitely off, and it wasn't just that she had a hangover. For a standard surgery, Derek was unnatural tense during it. He barely said anything, and when he asked for surgical instruments, he barked more than talked. For the first time she got to see a glimpse of what the other interns had started to call McDreary. The surgery went well, but instead of talking to her like he had made a point to do almost every time they had scrubbed in together lately, he almost fled the scrub room.

After she had made sure that Mrs Norman was settled in Recovery, she went of in search of Derek. She found him on the bridge, staring outside.

"Derek?" he didn't react. She touched his arm hesitantly. She hated how she always hesitated to initiate physical contact, while he just went and hugged her when he felt like it since he heard of the lump. He flinched away from her touch. Meredith stepped back. Her eyes stung. DON'T CRY, Meredith, she told herself. He doesn't have that power over you. If she told herself that often enough, she might just believe it someday. Repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth and all that crap.

"What?" he almost growled.

"Sorry." she apologised, although she wasn't really sure what for. "I just wanted to now what there's next to do or if I can go get lunch. Bailey's back, things are finally going by the book again around here." she tried to smile. He barely looked at her.

"Go to lunch."

"Derek?" she refrained from touching him again. "Is everything alright?" She groaned in her mind, sure Meredith put yourself out there, just so you can get rejected again. He likes doing that, don't you remember? Makes you believe in the fairytale of happily ever after and then has a wife, supports you and then runs away.

"Of course. Why wouldn't it?"

"Because you've been off all morning and I can't figure out why. Was Addison mad about the gossip or that you had to drive me and Cristina home?"

"No." his voice was flat. Come on Derek, give me something to work with here, what changed between yesterday and today.

"Is it because I have cancer?" She didn't care people might overhear, not any more. She now was officially worried.

"Drop it, Meredith."

"No. Tell me what's going on. Yesterday I was your best friend and today you can barely look at me." He turned to look at her, as if to proof her wrong. She couldn't read his face, but the expression in his eyes, it was tortured.

"Everything is fine, Mer. Go, eat lunch." She wanted to protest further, but he looked so tortured. His hands were gripping the railing so hard, his knuckles were turning white. She decided to risk touching him, and covered one of his hands with her own briefly.

"Whatever it is, Derek, I am your friend. I'm here. Friendship is a two way street. Just because I have cancer, that doesn't mean you're not allowed to have trouble or tell me about it." He didn't react.

"Okay then." she nodded to herself and walked away. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She should have expected this. Just yesterday she had been thinking about how stupid relying on Derek to be there was, how he would just go and leave her again.

"I'm just working through a few things, things I have to come to terms with on my own. I didn't mean to... I am just distracted." his voice stopped her. She turned around, but he was already walking away in the other direction. She shook her head. Whatever. But she couldn't help that tiny little flaring of hope in her chest, that it was not her. That he was really just working through some things. He said he would talk to Addison. That couldn't have been easy. He was allowed to be upset. And it was natural that he didn't want to discuss his marital problems with her. Some things didn't have to be shared. This was probably one of those things. By the time she reached the cafeteria she had mostly calmed down about his behaviour.

She saw him again in the elevator. He was leaning in a corner, fiddling with his cell. He didn't look up. She walked inside and turned around, facing the doors. If he wanted her to give him space, she would give him space. Normally he would have walked up to her, at least caressed her arm, more likely hugged her. And then his warmth was behind her, _almost but not quite_ touching her. She felt her hair move as he inhaled. He had buried his nose in her hair. But he was still not talking, and he still wasn't touching her. They were standing almost like they had back after he had broken up with her and she had told him she missed him.

"Derek?" her voice quivered just a little bit.

"I can't" his voice was tortured, he had said that back then, too. She wanted to comfort him so badly, but there was a voice in her head that kept mocking her, that he would just reject her again and so she stayed in the position she was in, kept her mouth shut and just waited for what would happen next. He stepped a bit closer, and her back was leaning lightly against his chest. She bit her lip to refrain from saying anything.

"I'm trying, I'm trying but I can't..." he left the sentence unfinished as he trailed of in silence. What the hell had Addison said to him last night that he was such a mess?

"I know." she grabbed behind her to where she know his hand was, found it, wrapped her hands around it and just held it close against her. Hugging him probably wasn't such a good idea right now, but she did it anyway because he was Derek and she was Meredith. He relaxed against her, his head falling forwards resting against hers.

"Has Dr. Cox called yet?"

"I have an appointment in 3 days, after lunch."

"I rearrange my schedule. Will someone cover your shift?"

"I hope Cristina or Alex will be able to, otherwise I need to tell Bailey. If she doesn't confront me beforehand. I doubt George or Izzie will cover my shift."

"Have you tried talking to them yet?"

"No, they are avoiding me and I haven't really had the energy to chase them today."

"I'm sorry."

"It will all work out."

"Optimistic" she could hear the surprise in his voice.

"Well, yeah. I mean I already got breast cancer, how much worse can it get? A little optimism won't do any harm." The doors of the elevator opened. She felt his chest expand wide as he took one last deep breath before letting her go. And the day went on as usual. A day like any other, like she didn't have breast cancer, like she and Derek weren't toeing the line between friends and not-friends.

It had been a long 12 hour shift when Meredith walked into the locker room, it felt much longer today because of her hangover. Cristina was already there, a moaning miserable mess lying on the bench. Meredith changed slowly out of her scrubs.

"Want to come over and watch surgery?" she asked Cristina.

"Burke's mad 'cause I didn't came home last night."

"What did you tell him."

"That its all McDreamy's fault, of course." they laughed. A scoffing noise made them look up. Izzie stood, leaning against her locker, her face

"Shepherd sending you in a drinking binge already? I guess that's what you get for screwing a married man." she taunted.

"Iz..." Alex's voice was warning.

"No it's okay, Alex. I'm glad Izzie said that. At least I'll know what she really thinks of me. Because really who doesn't want a friend who gets all judgemental and draws conclusions, never once asking what's going on." Meredith snapped. She had enough. All day long she had faced whispers. She had seen it in Addisons face how hard the gossip hit her and Derek, who helped her to face the same gossip yesterday with her head held high, was a mess today. And that was not okay.

"You wanna know what's going? Why Derek dropped me off at home, why Cristina and I got completely sloshed yesterday?" She stood in the middle of the room, her blouse half buttoned and she knew she had the attention of the whole room, not just Izzies. And she didn't care, just this once, she was glad she had the attention of everyone, because then it would be over the hospital before she could reach the parking lot, she wouldn't have to tell anyone else.

"I have cancer. I have a four centimetre tumour in my right breast, they are going to remove it and my entire breast soon, after I meet the oncologist and the plastic surgeon in a few days. Derek was there for me, because despite all the history we have, we are still friends, and I needed a friend. I needed a friend to tell me everything would be okay. I. Needed. A. Friend."

Everyone stared at her. Izzie's mouth was wide open in shock. George was looking at her wide eyed. Meredith turned towards the door. It was open, she hadn't heard it open. Bailey stood in the doorway, the chart limply in her hand. And then it was all too much, she couldn't breathe, she needed to get out of here. So she ran, she pushed past Bailey, out in the hallway. _Away, away, away._ She increased her speed. The elevator would be too slow, and she couldn't stand still in the cabin, waiting for the doors to open on the floor she wanted, stairs would have to do. She was dimly away that she was brushing past Derek as he was talking to Burke and the Chief, but she didn't care.

She threw the door to the stairwell open. _Down, down, down. _She sped up as she ran, desperate to leave the hospital.

"Meredith!" he yelled, heavy footsteps following her. _Faster, faster, faster, _she ran. She had almost made it, was on the platform with only one more staircase to go, when he grabbed her elbow. Damn his longer legs.

"Meredith. Shsh." Derek pulled her against her chest. She needed to get out of here. She hit him in the chest, again and again, but he just wouldn't let go of her. She clawed and pushed against him, but he wouldn't budge. Her face was wet.

"I need to get out of here" she finally said. Maybe now he would let her go.

"Okay." instead of letting her go, he pulled her closer and made them walk down the stairs in tandem. He let them outside, unaware or maybe just ignoring the stares they were receiving. The cold air outside felt icy on her wet skin. She shivered and in reply he hugged her closer. He was warm around her. He led them to a bench, the same one they had been sitting on when they said goodbye on Thanksgiving and pulled her in his lap. She leaned into him, trying to draw on his strength and to not get lost in the safety of his arms.

"What happened?" he asked in her hair.

"I freaked out at Izzie and told the whole locker room that I have cancer. I bet it's all over the hospital already."

"At least its out there. It doesn't really matter why the people are staring and whispering, now does it?" he said reasonably. "At least now they'll talk the truth."

"It's like telephone, Derek. It's starts out as the truth and becomes so mangled at the end that its unrecognisable."

"But your friends know now."

"And Bailey. I didn't know what she heard, but she heard part of it. She came in while I was ranting." He held her in a tight embrace.

"How did you know something was wrong and I wasn't just in a hurry to go somewhere?"

"Aside from you running like Satan personally was after you?"

"Yes?"

"You didn't hear me when I called your name. And you're wearing your scrub pants with a blouse that is only halfway buttoned, oh and you're only wearing one shoe." Meredith felt herself blush as she looked down on herself.

"Crap."

"Look on the bright side. You started buttoning from the top, so all you showed off was your belly." she laughed as she hid her face in his neck. His body vibrated as he laughed with her.

"Here Mer, didn't think you want to go back up again." Cristina handed her her bag and her other shoe. A pager went off.

"That's me." Derek said. "911, got to go. You'll be okay?"

"Yeah." she stood up. "Go, save lives."

"Yes Ma'am." he said smartly before dropping a kiss on her forehead and jogging off into the hospital. Meredith finished buttoning her blouse as Cristina said down next to her.

"You two looked cosy." Meredith looked up from putting on her shoe.

"I was freaking out, he calmed me down." she hated how her voice was slightly defensive.

"Hey, I'm not judging, just saying."

"How are things in the locker room."

"When I left Izzie was crying and George looked like he was about to. Bailey stopped all of us from running after you. If you want to escape Izzie, you can stay on my couch. I doubt you want to stay in the tiny trailer with McDreamy and McWife or with evil spawn in the whorehouse."

"Isn't George staying with you?"

"George is staying with Burke. See, this is why I should have kept my apartment." Cristina grumbled.

"Well, I am going home. It's my house! I don't care, I'll just ignore Izzie."

"I'll keep my phone with me, just call me if you need help dragging her body."

"I will." Meredith smiled at her person. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Mer."

**Please review and tell me what you think!**


	9. Interlude 1

**Thank you all for the reviews. **

**This is just a short little something to tide you over until the next chapter on Friday.**

"What was wrong with Grey today? She ran past out of the intern locker room like she was about to be burnt or something. And then Shepherd took of after her in the middle of talking to the Chief without a word..." Burke asked her. "Are she and Shepherd really having an affair? It's been all over the hospital, but I didn't take either of them for the type..."

"Burke"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up!"

"I was just asking. You're her best friend. You would know."

"And I sure as hell wouldn't tell you." Cristina snarled.

"So she and Shepherd really are..." Burke trailed of. "They are not very discrete then."

"Whatever." Cristina just wanted to be alone. Usually it was manageable to live with Burke, but right now, ever since she knew, she was missing her own apartment.

"Cristina?" she sighed. Chatty Burke was annoying.

"She's sick, Burke. Breast Cancer." That shut him up. To her own horror, her lip started to quiver. Cristina bit on her lip hard.

"How advanced?"

"Stage II, IDC. They are going to do a mastectomy."

"Is she doing okay?"

"As good as she can. What you saw today, she ran away after blurting it out for the whole locker room to hear. I mean she told me and Alex, but aside from that only McDreamy knew. Well and she-Shepherd, I assume."

"I see. How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Of course you are."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I meant nothing."

"I'm going to bed." Cristina threw the bathroom door shut behind her.

She evened out her breath when Burke climbed into bed with her, a few hours later.

"I know you're awake, Cristina." she didn't answer. "It's okay not to be okay. You're best friend has cancer.", she tensed, but still she remained silent. Burke sighed.

"George took his stuff and moved back into the house." Cristina gave up on pretending to sleep.

"That's just typical. Mer gets sick, and he thinks everything will just be okay."

"Well, it's understandable, isn't it?"

"Whatever."  
"He only wants to be with his friend in a time of need."

"No, he doesn't want to feel guilty if something happens and he didn't reconcile. He's trying to make himself feel better." she stated angrily

"Now that's just..."

"I know you and George are friends or whatever, but don't."

"Cristina..."

"Just go to sleep, Burke." she pulled the blanket up and turned on her side, her back to Burke. She pressed her lips together tight, making sure no sound escaped as a few teardrops ran down her face. Burke was not going to see her cry. She was Cristina Yang, and Cristina Yang did not cry. Cristina Yang was a hard core surgeon! Just for moment, she wondered when she went soft, when she allowed herself to feel.

**This was very short and while I felt like I had no trouble writing Cristina, Burke is a lot harder...**

**What do you all think? Review please**


	10. Sink Or Swim

**A/N** **Thanks for the reviews. **

I tried forever to find a title for this chapter but because it has some many different situations/emotions I found it impossible. It needs something loud, powerful... If anyone has a song-suggestion that could double as a title, I'd be grateful and go back to add it. For now its a chapter without title because I didn't want to wait any longer before posting it for you to read.

"Meredith open the door, please. We want to talk to you" Izzie banged on the closed bedroom door.

"Yeah, Mer, open up." George added.

"Leave me alone." Meredith yelled. For good measure, she put a pillow over her head, attempting to drown out the noises her roommates were making.

"Com'on Mer, just talk to us." annoyed Meredith got up and ripped the door open.

"Piss off. I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone."

"But Mer, we just..."

"Don't but Mer me. You weren't my friends when you thought I was okay, but now that I'm sick you suddenly want to be my friends again?" She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right . Forget it." she slammed the door shut and went back to bed.

"Mer, com'on." the door opened behind her hesitantly and Izzie and George walked into the room.

"Out!"

"Meredith..." George said quietly. "Why didn't you tell us you had cancer, we would have been there for you."

"Seriously! Just this morning, you weren't talking to me. Well, now I don't want to talk to you anymore. You don't get to suddenly be my friend again just because I have cancer. So. Leave. Me. Alone!"

"I'm sorry Meredith, I shouldn't have judged." Izzie said timidly.

"No you shouldn't have. But you did. And you did it in public. Did you ever think about the consequences of your accusations? Or are you that much of a bitch that you just didn't give a damn?"

"What was I supposed to think?"

"I don't know, Izzie. But you were supposed to be my friend? How about giving me the benefit of the doubt or how about this, asking me in private what's going on instead of being a judgemental bitch."

"We all know you screw inappropriate men, so it wasn't that much of a stretch to think you're back to screwing McDreamy. Everyone was thinking it." Meredith hid under her pillow until it was pulled from her face. Meredith groaned.

"You know what, you guys stay here, I'll find some other place to sleep." Meredith got up and left the room.

"Mer, where are you going?"

"Leaving!" she pulled the front door shut behind her and got in her car. Where to now? Cristina had just gotten rid of George (thanks to her cancer) and she lived with Burke, that would be just weird. Derek lived in a trailer with Addison and that would be... Yeah, not going to happen. That either left a hotel (not on her salary) or the hospital. Meredith sighed, as she drove to the hospital. One of her few nights not on call, and here she was on her way to sleep in an on-call room.

She sneaked into the hospital. The first two on-call rooms she checked were full, but she got lucky in the third, as the second bed was empty. She walked in quietly, trying not to make a sound as she slid of her shoes and slipped between the sheets. She hoped whoever was sleeping in the other bed didn't wake up since technically she wasn't even allowed to be here because she wasn't on call. The lumpy mattress pressed into her back.

"Meredith? What are you doing here? I thought you went home?" she turned towards the voice and came lie on her side.

"Derek?"

"Yeah."

"I fled from Izzie and George. They wouldn't leave me alone..."

"You let them drive you out of your own house?"

"I guess so. I just didn't have the energy to fight them after today. I just wanted to be alone before I have to face everyone tomorrow." Derek was silent.

"You think I should have forgiven them for their behaviour?"

"I don't know, Mer. George... probably. Izzie... depends on how much you like to have her around."

"Just because I have cancer, it doesn't make everything okay."

"No it doesn't, but it can put things in perspective. I'm not saying don't be mad, but you are not normally one to hold a grudge." Her mattress shifted when he sat down next to her. His hand began running up and down her back.

"Don't let this change who you are, Mer. You..." he started, "You have such a big heart, one of the most forgiving and selfless persons I know. And I know, that if you hadn't gotten cancer, if you had the fight you had, if Izzie still had jumped to conclusions, you would have been mad, but after she apologised, it would have been over." Derek's hand on her back was warm. She sighed.

"I guess so. Doesn't hurt to let them stew until tomorrow though."

"No, it doesn't." His other hand began to stroke her hair. Her eyes slowly dropped shut. She could almost feel the smile on his face as he slowly soothed her into sleep.

When someone walked into the on call room he was trying to sleep in, making all the annoying noises people make when they try too hard to be quiet, he was about to be ready to use his status as head of neurosurgery to kick out whatever stupid intern or resident intruded his privacy. Usually interns and residents avoided on call rooms with sleeping attendings, but he normally didn't mind if the other person was quiet. Then, a wisp of lavender had hit him, and he had known it was Meredith. Which opened a whole new can of worms, with him and Meredith being alone in a dark room with beds... but he was able to handle it, be the friend she needed, to not cross the line again. As he watched Meredith fall asleep under his touch, he felt his own body slowly relax as the tension seeped out of it. Meredith was okay, she wouldn't just vanish into thin air when she wasn't with him. He knew his fear was irrational, but he couldn't help it. As he soaked up her warmth, surrounded by her smell, he felt like he could breath more easily. He pressed his lips into her hair for a moment, before moving back to his own bed. He fell asleep easily to the lullaby of Meredith breathing. When he woke up the next morning (a almost full nights sleep while on-call, miracles do happen) he felt rested. A smile creped on his face. He felt good. Meredith was still sleeping. He got up and stretched.

"Meredith." he touched her shoulder gently. "Come on, wake up." She grumbled something incoherently into the pillow, her eyes tightly shut. He shook her shoulder a bit harder. She opened her eyes, looking annoyed.

"You have to get up for rounds soon. If you get up now, I treat you to breakfast."

"Pizza?" she grinned at him sleepily.

"Sorry, no. I fear you will have to do with normal breakfast food, I don't think the cafeteria serves cold pizza."

"Doesn't serve your crappy muesli either." He stuck his tongue out at her.

"Mature, this morning are we now?"

"It's early, mature doesn't wake up for another hour."

"Funny."

"I thought so, too. Now come on, breakfast is on me, you can't say no."

"I guess not." she grinned when he grabbed her hands and pulled her onto her feet.

They walked to the cafeteria together and sat down with their food.

"After my doctors appointment next week, I have an appointment with a lawyer."

"Okay?"

"There are some things, I mean... My family, legally I mean, consists of my Mum for whom I have to make legal decisions and a Dad who left when I was five."

"Yes...?"

"I need a health care proxy. I need someone to make medical decisions for me if I can't for whatever reason, and if I don't say different, it will be my father. I had never thought about that before but I don't want that. I don't want a guy who abandoned me to make decisions for me. And for my Mum although I have to talk to a lawyer about that because I have no idea if that's even possible."

"Okay, so appoint someone, one of your friends could do it..."

"I want... You are my friend, right?"

"Yes."

"I want you to do it. I mean if you don't want to, that's okay, it's a big responsibility, especially with my dismissal luck and..."

"I'll do it." he interrupted her. "I mean we'll have to talk about it in detail, so I can make decisions like you would want them, but otherwise I don't see why not."

"It's a big thing, you can take your time and think about it, you don't need to decide now."

He touched her hand gently. "Meredith, it's not really that much of a big deal, because you will be fine! Nothing bad will happen to you. I am..." he searched for the right word. "Honoured that you trust me that much."

"Thank you for doing it."

"No problem." He wanted to say more, but before he could open his mouth, his pager went off.

"911 in the pit, gotta go save a life."

"See you later."

"Yeah, later." he grabbed his tray and left.

"Meredith, where did you go, Cristina said you didn't go to her place last night." Izzie was in her face as soon as she had entered the locker room. Meredith sighed, Derek's words still on her mind.

"I slept at the hospital, Mom."

"You just vanished, sorry for caring."

"Look, Izzie. I'm still mad at you, so why don't you give me just a little space and stop hovering? Nothings really changed in the last few days."

"Everything changed! You have cancer."

"Yeah, so what? Technically I had cancer for months, maybe years only nobody knew until a few weeks ago." Cristina snorted into her coffee next to her. "I'm still the same person I was yesterday, the one you thought is an adulterous whore..." Meredith wanted to continue, but Derek had a point, normally she would have yelled, then moved on.

"Yang – Burke, Karev – Montgomery-Shepherd, Stevens – pit, O'Malley – Shepherd, Grey, the Chief and I'd like to have a word with you." Bailey walked into the room and put an end to any personal conversation.

"Well, why are you still here, patients are waiting. Grey, with me." Cristina gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey." she wasn't looking forward to this conversation, and her day had started so nice. They walked to the Chiefs office together.

"How are you holding up, Meredith?" Bailey's voice was calm and caring,a side of her they rarely got to see.

"I'm fine." they reached the office.

"Good Morning, Chief."

"Dr. Bailey, Meredith, come on in. Sit down." The chief put a folder away.

"Some alarming news reached me yesterday, Meredith." The Chief looked at her seriously. "Is it true that you have cancer?"

"Yes, Dr. Webber. Stage II, IDC." She felt like she was in the principals office, about to be scolded for something.

"Why did you not inform me immediately after your diagnosis?"

"Because it was not necessary yet. I would have come to you once I had my treatment plan and an appointment for my surgery."

"Meredith, cancer is a serious matter..."

"It's not like I have brain cancer. A tumour in my breast does not impair my ability to do my job."

The Chief sighed after her words. "Meredith, it would have made things a lot easier for you."

"Maybe, but and correct me if I'm wrong, it's already in the past, so it can't be changed." Meredith smiled tightly.

"Chief, if I may." Bailey interrupted, " Who is your doctor?"

"Dr. Cox."

"She's good."

"According to Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, the best in town. After her of course."

"She is no surgeon."

"No, but she is specialised in breast and ovarian cancer patients. She more or less organised a complete treatment package, with surgeon, plastic surgeon and oncologist and so on." Meredith shifted in her seat uncomfortably. This is why she hadn't wanted anyone to know. Now everything would be about her having cancer, every conversation, every look. She was no longer only Meredith Grey, she was now cancer-intern. She swallowed. She would not show any weakness, not here not in front of her bosses.

"I'll be meeting with them later this week to discuss everything before my surgery and to get to know them personally." she offered.

"Our oncology department is excellent."

"Yes Sir."

"Who will be your oncologist?"  
"I do not know yet, an oncologist from Mercy West."

"Mercy West?" the Chief sounded surprised.

"My surgery will also be done at Mercy West, just like all test so far."

"Why Mercy West, Meredith."

"I am..." she hesitated "more comfortable at Mercy West." she focused on Bailey instead of the Chief. "The staff here, they like to talk, especially about me and I don't want to... I'll be under and vulnerable..." That was her greatest fear, and probably something she had in common with a lot of surgeons, she loved the OR but only as a surgeon. Being exposed and vulnerable on a steeltable, being at the mercy of other surgeons, nurses, it was not something she wanted to experience where she was working, where everyone was already watching her every move.

"I understand." Bailey nodded. The Chief didn't look like he did, but that was not important to Meredith, she didn't need his approval.

"May I go back to work now, I'll inform you once I have a treatment plan, so we can talk about how it will affect my future here?"

"Go Grey." Bailey said.

By the time Lunchbreak came around, Meredith was seriously considering jumping of the roof. People weren't even hiding that they were talking about her and stared openly. Eating lunch was somewhat awkward since everyone was staring at her, and she could feel that Izzie and George still wanted to talk but Cristina's withering stare kept them quiet. She looked up when Alex slammed his tray down.

"Word in the halls is you were seen coming out of an on call room with Shepherd this morning and he bought you breakfast."

"He did." no sense in denying the truth when apparently someone had seen.

"I thought you said you weren't sleeping with him." Izzie said with a frown.

"I'm not." Meredith said tersely. "But I have crappy roommates who drove me out of my own house and mad me sleep at the hospital. I coincidentally ended up in the same room as Derek. Thanks for that, by the way. More talking just what I needed."

"It's not my fault that..."

"It kinda is, Iz." Alex interrupted.

"Fine. Let's go George." Izzie got up. George looked at Meredith for a moment before getting up and walking after Izzie.

"I hate this!"

"You don't want talk, you gotta be more careful, Mer." Cristina said.

"Whatever, it's not like it changes anything. You started your thing with Burke the same time as Derek and I did. And you were not only _that_ intern, you were _that_ pregnant intern that collapsed in the OR and yet everyone is always talking about me and Derek!"

"Though luck. Happens when you're royally inbred."

"Bitch."

"Whore."

_Weird place to end the chapter, I know..._

_Grey's is on summer hiatus, and now I have to get my writing mojo back because I have only one more chapter already finished. _

**Tell me what you think.**

**Don't forget to review, it really motivates.**


	11. Breathe

**A/N Thanks to everyone who's reviewed :-) If you get a second alert, sorry about that, but ate half the formatting I did.**

"The plastics guy is giving me the creeps." Meredith said as they walked back from the car together.

"I didn't like him either, but he's supposed to be good. Grace's plastics department isn't really that good. One of the few surgical areas that don't have world renowned Heads."

"Still, it freaks me out to think that I'm going to be under and completely helpless with him around. I know that there's a whole surgical team, but..."

"That bad, heh. We can find you another plastic surgeon."

"Yes? He's Mercy West's plastic god. You said yourself, Grace's plastics department sucks. Where are we going to find another good plastic surgeon in Seattle? I hate to tell you but Seattle isn't that big a business for plastic surgeons outside of reconstruction."

"I didn't say Grace's plastics department sucks, I said it's not that good."

"With is Derek-speak for saying it sucks because you're never going to say something like that about the hospital whose Chief you hope to be." Meredith interrupted him.

"We could look in L.A. or..." he went silent for a moment. He didn't really want to, but for Meredith he would. She deserved the best. And the best plastic surgeon... "I could call Mark."

"What?" Meredith looked at him strangely.

"You said Mercy's plastic guy creeps you out, I don't really know that many plastic surgeons and even less that would drop everything immediately to take your case. So, Mark is an option. Think about it. He is an ass and I hate him, but he is the go-to guy on the east coast. You might as well make use of the connection."

"But like you said, you hate him. And you were so... upset the last time he was here."

"Well, you didn't have cancer then. Priorities change sometimes. It seems silly to keep him out of Seattle if he could help you."

"But would Mark come? He has a practice in New York. You said yourself, he is the go-to guy of the East Coast."

"If I call him he would. He owes me."

"You would be guilt tripping him."

"Well... Yes." Derek shrugged unconcerned.

"If you think you can handle it, Mark being in the same state as you and Addison, then I would be... grateful if you'd call Mark. But promise me something?"

"What?"

"Don't punch him again. Because those hands, they're gifted and you shouldn't endanger that, not even for Mark. It's not worth it." he smiled briefly.

"I promise I won't punch him. Can I kick him? That won't hurt my hands?"

"Derek!"

"I'll behave."

"Thank you. Can you drop me of back at the hospital? I'm taking over for Alex now, since he came in early to cover my morning shift."

"Sure, I was going there any ways. Paperwork, the joy of being the Department Head."

"Oh, poor you. Its so horrible to be Head of a Department in a major hospital..."

They laughed.

Derek slowly scrolled through the phonebook of his cell. He had been doing paperwork, but now it was time if he wanted to still reach Mark today. He looked at every number, took more time the closer he got to the M section. Finally Mark's office number showed up on the screen. He hesitated before he took a deep breath and hit the call button.

"Mark Sloan, how may I help you?"

"It's Derek. He was answered with silence. I need you to come to Seattle for a consult."

"Why? The last time I was there, I didn't really get the vibe that you wanted me there."

"Mark..."

"No. I'm not coming just so you can go all self-righteous bastard on me again."

"You slept with my wife. In my bed. On my favourite sheets. You owe me."

"Tell me about the case."

"It's a breast reconstruction after mastectomy."

"You're calling me for a boob-job after cancer?"

"Yes."

"Why would I come all the way out there for a simple boob-job? I can do dozens here."

"Because I am asking you, and do I need to remind you, you slept with my wife, in..."

"in your bed on your favourite sheets. Yeah. It's not Addison is it?"

"You think I would call you for Addison's boobs?"

"Then why do you care?"

"It's Meredith. Meredith has cancer. And the plastics guy her doctor recommended creeps her out."

"You're calling me to give your girlfriend new boobs? What does Addison think about that?"

"Are you coming or not?"

"Fine. But afterwards we're even."

Derek snorted, somehow he couldn't see how helping Meredith redeemed Mark for sleeping with his wife, but if that's what it would take for him to get here he had no other choice.

"I see you hung up."

Derek pushed his briefcase through the closing elevator doors.. It was 6pm and he was done for the day. He wasn't scheduled to be in today, but he was a little behind on paperwork because of the whole Meredith-thing and so he had taken the chance when she asked him to taker her back to the hospital to catch up. He was aware of the eyes that followed him, that followed Meredith where ever she went, that followed Addison. Ever since Izzie Stevens had accused Meredith and him of sleeping together, the looks had followed him, her, them, ever watching, ever judging. As if anyone in this damn hospital had the right to judge. Not that there was anything they could judge about since he and Meredith were only friends. He smiled when he saw the only other occupant. Guess tomorrow would mean even more talk if they'd walk out of the Hospital together.

"Meredith."

"Derek."

"I called Mark earlier. He is flying out the day after tomorrow. I already contacted Dr. Cox. She wasn't happy but if Mark gives the okay, an OR is booked at Mercy West in four days."

"Great." her voice was flat.

"That's good news. It means we finally start kicking this cancers ass."

"It also means they're cutting off my breast."

"And building up a new one at the same time."

"It'll leave scars."

"So what?" she looked genuinely upset at the prospect of having scars, but if it meant to get rid of the cancer, Derek just couldn't see why it was such a big deal. Derek rubbed his face. They had only one more floor to go. Determined he pressed the emergency stop button. He stood in front of her. What he was about to do... it would maybe be crossing the line, but not really.

"Look at me, Mer." she avoided his eyes. "Meredith." he gently lifted her chin up, he didn't wanted to hurt her, but she needed to look at him.

"You are beautiful, sexy and ..."

"But not for long. I won't be in four days." she looked so small, so vulnerable and all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and make everything okay.

"That's not true. Yes, it will leave scars, but it won't change anything, you will still be beautiful. Those scars, they will be a mark of your character, how truly strong you are, that you are a fighter, that you don't give up and that you survive." She laughed, but it was hollow. He had to make her believe.

"Meredith, if you believe me nothing else, believe this, you are so very beautiful, perfect even and that won't change." he knows this so be the truth, because to him Meredith is always beautiful. She is beautiful after the end of a long day, exhausted and barely able to stand. She is beautiful in the OR, scrubbed in completely with mask and scrub cap when all he can see of her are her eyes. She is beautiful standing in the rain. She is beautiful wearing her ratty old Dartmouth shirt. She is beautiful in the mornings when she is so tired she has trouble to open her eyes. And if they were to remove both of her breasts, and if she were to loose all her hair during chemo, she would still be beautiful to him. The elevator moved again, she must have released the button. The doors opened.

"You say I am beautiful, Derek." She says as she steps around him to leave, he knows he looks hopeful, hopeful that she'll believe him. "But in the end, being beautiful wasn't enough, because you still chose her. So how will anyone ever choose me if I am not even beautiful anymore?" She steps outside, her eyes wide and sad, filled with unshed tears and before he can react, before he can process her words, the elevator doors move shut and she is hidden from his sight. And he can't breathe. He has to make her understand. He pushes the button to open the doors frenetically, but the doors won't budge and the elevator moves again. He thought she understood. She had said she understood why he had to try. Meredith... he had meant what he said to her when he had told her the story of Addison and Mark. She had saved him from drowning, had been like coming up for fresh air. She doesn't know and neither does Addison, but in between, there had been almost as many women as there had been nights. He was not proud of it, but he had just found his wife in bed with his best friend and he needed to feel something, anything besides anger and pain even if it was just for a few minutes. But Meredith she had been different, from the moment he had seen her at Joe's he had known she would be different. He had been determined that night, the first time at Joe's that he would not pick up another woman. Seattle was a fresh start and he would leave his past where it belonged, in New York. Then a woman in a black dress with honey coloured hair had entered the bar, and unlike before he wanted to talk to her, wanted to know her, didn't just want to use her to make himself feel better. Then, during their first drunken encounter she had done what the women before her had not managed. Oh, the other women served as proof that he was good, desirable, soothed the ache of not being enough that finding Addison in bed with Mark had left, but Meredith made him forget. Forget that he had a wife that had betrayed him with his brother. Forget that he was almost 40 and nothing but a career left of his life. His dreams, his hopes, his future, it had all been gone. When he saw her again, just a few hours after she had so endearingly kicked him out of her house, he took it as a sign. And she had become everything. For two months, everything that was good in his life had been her. Every smile, every touch, every giggle, healed his heart a little more until he couldn't tell her the truth anymore because then she'd leave (rightly so) and there would be nothing good left in his life and he'd be back in the dark hole of nothingness and pain Addison and Mark had left him in. He dared to dream again, dared to hope for a future where love existed and he wouldn't be betrayed. But then Addison had shown up and he was almost sure he loved Meredith, but the last woman he had told he loved had betrayed him and he was crushed, but Meredith had the power to destroy him. He had known something was different with Meredith ever since he had seen her and that snake-guy patient of hers kissing, because if he were honest with himself that sickening feeling in his stomach he had that moment had been jealously. And so he had chosen the safe option, because nothing Addison could do could hurt him more than what she had already done, and instead of Meredith destroying him he had destroyed Meredith. And Addison had the ring, the vows he had given her, he had promised her forever and _until death does us part_ and _in good and in bad times_ and if that weren't the bad times he had no idea what they'd be. So really he had no choice but to try with her again, because Addison had wanted to, and at some point he had loved her enough to bind himself to her 'till death. It didn't matter that he sometimes caught himself resenting Addison more for breaking him and Meredith up than for sleeping with Mark, that he sometimes wished he had met Meredith instead of Addison all those years ago (he is not sure it would have been legal, Addison and he had met more than 15 years ago). It doesn't matter that these thoughts are completely useless and painful. But Meredith didn't understand, Meredith didn't know that it was not because she wasn't enough because she was everything, but maybe because she was too much. And Derek Shepherd was a coward. For all he was adventurous in the OR, Addison had left him a coward in matters of the heart. Too much of a coward to end a marriage, to take what he wanted; too much of a coward to really try to repair said marriage and let go of who he loved the most. If the elevator would just open the fucking doors again, he needed to get to Meredith, for even though he was a coward, he could not let her go on thinking she was not enough. The doors finally opened, and Derek breathed in relief. He moved to step out, to take the stairs it would be faster, but then Addison stood in front of him, and now his window of opportunity was gone. He could no longer go after Meredith. At least not tonight. He could only hope to see her tomorrow.

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" Addisons voice was hesitant but hopeful. No, he thought, he wanted Meredith. But that wasn't an option.

"Sure." he found himself saying. What did it really matter anymore. It was not like he could go and see Meredith tonight, because he, Derek Shepherd was a coward. Even if he could, how would he fix what he broke. He mentally started to compose a list of his faults. Fool. Coward. Pervert. Adulterer. Liar. Bad Husband. Bad Man. Bad Human. He drove on autopilot to a french café. It had become a compromise between them, for Addison loved French Food, but Derek hated the dressy french places in town. Here, Addison got her french food, but Derek could show up in jeans. They were seated in a small booth. Addison was chatting happily about her day. Sometimes it was so easy to make her happy these days, just a trip to a restaurant, and yet Derek rarely ever did. The day Addison had shown up was the first time he had planned to properly take Meredith out, wine, steak, carbs in a basket, the whole deal.

"What are you thinking about?" she interrupted his thoughts. Meredith.

"Mark." he said instead. He watched as her smile froze on Addisons face.

"He'll be coming to Seattle the day after tomorrow."

"How do you... why?"

"We talked earlier today."

"I didn't know you two were talking." she looked confused.

"We don't."

"But why..."

"Dr. Martin of Mercy West freaks Mer out, and the only plastic surgeon I know is Mark."

"So this is about Meredith." her voice was bitter.

"I..." how was he supposed to answer that.

"I really don't know why I bother." Addison said with a shake of her head and a sour smile.

"What the hell it that supposed to mean, Addison?"

"It means that you even make amends with Mark for her! Is there anything you won't do? You weren't even willing to talk to me the last time he was here."

"So what...?" Of all the things Addison could be upset about, calling Mark was the one thing he had not expected.

"You don't get it, do you?" No, he didn't, not this. He shook is head.

"You know what, lets just go home. I'm not in the mood any longer." Derek shrugged. If she wanted to go home, to stop talking, he wasn't about to make her.

"He's going to be here for three days, four max."

"So you won't talk to me for four days, Derek?"

"Of course not, it just caught me on the wrong foot last time he was here." He could see that she didn't believe him, but what else could he have done? He had more urgent things to think about any ways, mainly what to say to Meredith when he saw her again tomorrow. Addison being upset about him calling Mark didn't really matter in the bigger picture.

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	12. Hiding My Heart

**A/N thanks for the reviews everyone.**

She managed to hold in her tears until she was home. The light in the hall was turned on, but the house was quiet. Normally, a few weeks ago when life had been how it should be, when she, Izzie and George were still friends, she would have climbed into George's bed and Izzie would have joined them and she would have been safe... But like everything else she had messed up her friendship with George and she was mad at Izzie and now she was alone because Cristina might be her person but she didn't hug and Derek wasn't an option. She walked up the stairs to her bedroom. She should eat dinner, but she wasn't hungry. The door to Izzie's room was slightly ajar and the light was on, and who cared she just needed someone, anyone. Making a split decision she walked into the room.

"Mer? Is everything okay?" she shook her head and climbed on the bed. It was soft beneath her tired body. And then the damn broke and the tears she had held back since the elevator escaped. Izzie's arms wrapped around her, rocking her gently.

"Ssshhh, just let it out Mer. It will all be okay, sshhh." and that was why she was friends with Izzie as well. Because as annoying and perky and gossipy and at times judgemental she was, she was also a good friend when it counted, a friend that held you while you cried your eyes out over a guy you should be long over but embarrassingly were still madly in love with . And she loved Cristina, she was her person, but no one had ever held Meredith when she was upset for all she could remember but Derek and... more tears came because she really couldn't think about Derek right now.

"What happened, Mer?" Izzie's voice was gentle.

"Derek, he..., my breast..., beautiful." she gasped for air. She knew she didn't make sense, but she could barely breathe through all the tears and her upper body constricted painfully because she was sobbing so hard.

"Sshhh, it's okay, tell me later, I don't have to know." Izzie whispered soothing words of nothingness into her ear and slowly she calmed down from almost hysterical to only slightly-upset.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Meredith nodded, forcefully trying to take slow, measured breaths.

"My surgery is in four days. And I got scared by how close it was, but Derek said it's okay, we finally are doing something. And I'm upset because they're going to remove my breast. I'll have scars, it'll be ugly. But then Derek called me beautiful and perfect, said I'll always will be beautiful." She shouldn't tell Izzie this, Izzie had already thought they were having an affair. She looked up, but the blonde was smiling at her encouragingly. For the first time since it all started, there was no judgement in her eyes.

"Go on."

"It felt good, for a moment, but then... He is with Addison. He's married to Addison. If he thinks I am so perfect, then why is he with Addison? Because he was lying, he doesn't really think that. Or maybe he does, but being beautiful just isn't enough and I was just his pretty little toy while he got over being screwed. In a few days I won't even be beautiful anymore and no one will ever choose me. Because I am not ever enough. And obviously I'm not even really beautiful, I mean just look at you and then look at me." The tears came back.

Izzie was silent. "I don't think you were his pretty little toy." she finally said "I don't know what you were to him, but if you had been just that, he wouldn't be around now. He obviously cares. I don't... condone what he did to you, or well he's an ass, but he does care."

"It's just... he's just..."

"You love him still."

Meredith sobbed. "He's not mine to love."

"I know."

"He's being perfect, doing everything right but sometimes it hurts so much I just pretend."

"Oh Mer that's..."

"I know I can't and I wouldn't actually, not like that. But sometimes when its all too much and he holds me, I pretend that he actually loves me."

"I..." Izzie started to talk.

"I never wanted to be this woman, I never was this woman before. Izzie, when I met him, I was done. He was supposed to be my forever! Only I don't believe in forever but with him I did. He made me believe and then his frickin' wife showed up."

"I know, Mer, I know."

"I just love him so, and I can't stop. It's weak and pathetic, but I just can't help it." Izzie didn't reply, just hugged her closer. They were silent, Izzie picking her book back up. At some point George knocked on the door, but Izzie managed to sent him away without revealing why. Meredith had curled up around herself and just started to drift of when Izzie put her book aside again.

"Can I ask you about your cancer."

"Sure." Meredith rubbed her face. Might as well get used to talking about, at least Izzie was her friend, not some nosy-gossipy nurse. "What do you want to know?"

"You have a stage II, IDC, right?"

"Yep, survival rate is 75% percent."

"That's not too bad. I mean it's not good, but at least its treatable with good chances of remission."

"It could be a lot worse." Meredith agreed.

"What will happen next? I mean I know what will happen next, but..."

"It's different if it's no longer just something you learnt in Med School, but yourself or someone you're close to?"

"Yeah."

"The day after tomorrow, Doctor Sloan is flying in from New York. Once he gives the okay, the mastectomy will happen in four days at Mercy West. I will have to stay in the hospital for about 3 days, and then a few weeks at home before I can go back to work. Followed by at least 3 months of chemo. I have to talk to the Chief tomorrow about how it all will work out with me missing work, finishing the year or if I have to repeat because I'll miss too much. What will happen if I have to repeat and stuff like that."

"McSteamy is coming to Seattle to operate on you?"

"Yeah. Dr. Cox, my OB/GYN works with Dr. Mills of Mercy West, but he just gives me the creeps. And since he is the best plastic surgeon at Mercy, Derek" here Meredith voice wavered before she took a deep breath and continued. "Derek called Mark and he agreed to come out here and do my surgery."

"He called Sloan out here to operate on you?"

"He did."

"Are they going to fight again?"

"He promised they wouldn't."

"Damn, McDreamy against McSteamy, that would be hot."

"Izzie!"

"What, it's true. Who do you think would win?"

"Well... Mark is a lot bigger and bulkier than Derek, but Derek is a lot stronger than people give him credit for. And one punch from Derek had Mark on the floor the last time."

"So you think McDreamy would win?"

"Doesn't matter. Derek promised he wouldn't punch Mark again."

"I think McSteamy would win. George said the punch came out of nowhere last time, that Dr. Sloan didn't even know Dr. Shepherd was there. If he knew, I bet he wouldn't be on the floor after only one punch. He looks strong."

"Like I said, Derek is a lot stronger than he looks." Izzie sighed.

"So four days, huh?"

"Yup, four days."

"Crazy."

"You tell me."

"I'm going to bake muffins." Izzie got up.

"Whoa, what?"

"Muffins. Chocolate Chip Muffins I think. I don't know, I may have finished the chocolate chips."

"You're baking? Now?" Meredith raised her eyebrow.

"Muffins don't take long, we should have them in about half an hour, maybe a bit longer."

"Iz, it's almost midnight." Izzie had lost it, there was no other explanation.

"I know. I just need to bake. Chocolate always helps. Make that double chocolate, I'm gonna make chocolate chocolate chip muffins." Meredith followed Izzie down into the kitchen. Silently she grabbed her phone to text Cristina and went to get booze from the cabinet.

"Tequila?" Izzie questioned

"Hey, I had a shitty day, you bake muffins when you're upset, I drink Tequilla. Or have sex but that doesn't work out so well for me lately."

"True." Izzie grabbed the bottle from Meredith and swallowed.

"Yuck. I hate Tequila."

"You still have Vodka in the cabinet."

"Much better."

"But you have to do shots, mixing is for dermatology only."

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Can I finish baking first, don't want to burn the house down."

"Sure." Meredith said up when she heard the front door open

"Baby, where are you?"

"Kitchen."

"I ordered pizza, should be here soon." Cristina said in lieu of a greeting when she dropped her bag and jacket on a chair before sitting down next to Meredith on a bar stool.

"Here." Meredith grabbed the Tequila bottle from where Izzie had put it down and offered it to Cristina.

"Thanks."

"You snuck out?" Meredith asked as she eyed Cristina who was still in her PJ's.

"Yeah, Burke was already sleeping. Happens when you date an older guy, they go to bed early. So why are we drinking tonight? And why are we starting only now?"

"Crappy day, Izzie was going to make muffins and I thought we make it a party."

"How long until the muffins, Iz?" Cristina asked.

"Putting them in now, so 20 minutes." The doorbell rang.

"Pizza's here, be right back." Cristina hopped of the barstool to collect the pizza.

"Drink, Izzie. The muffins are in the oven, you can drink now."

"Hey. Where's Bambi?"

"Dunno. Sleeping? He was here earlier." Meredith grabbed a slice of pizza before taking another gulp of Tequila.

"Oy, Mer. Share!" Cristina grabbed the bottle

"Ha, I have my own booze." Izzie gloated, already slightly buzzed.

"Haven't told me why we're drinking yet."

"Do we need a reason?"

"You, no. Iz for drinking shots? Totally." Izzie grimaced.

"My friend has cancer. I was a bitch. I'm sleeping with Alex. Oh, and I may have a thing for a patient."

"You _may_ have a thing for a patient?" Meredith asked incredulously.

"Fine, I have a thing for a patient."

"How did I not know that? Did you know that?" Meredith looked at Cristina.

"Don't look at me, I think getting attached to patients is stupid."

"Thanks, Cristina." Izzie rolled her eyes. "It's not like I wanted to _fall_ for a patient."

"Wait." Meredith interrupted. "You said you had a crush on a patient, not that you are _falling_ for a patient." Izzie shrugged.

"Doesn't matter. Crush, falling for him, same difference."

"Who's the patient?"

"Denny Duquette."

"The guy waiting for a new heart?" Cristina laughed. "God, you're worse than Mer. Please tell me you're not sleeping with him."

"God, no. I don't want to kill him. And anyways, where'd I sleep with him, he lives in the hospital now. And you're not so innocent either, living with Burke." Izzie added as she went to get the muffins out of the oven.

"She's right, you know." Meredith said, swallowing more Tequila. "You're sleeping with our boss."

"You were sleeping with McDreamy, and he's married, you have no right to judge."

"But I didn't know he was my boss when I started sleeping with him" Meredith pointed out "And he never told me he was married. Besides, karma totally got me for that." she whined.

"Is karma allowed to punish you when you didn't know you were doing something wrong?" Izzie asked when she put a plate of muffins down in front of them. "Careful, they're hot."

"Must be, I mean first there's the bomb."

"Which was totally stupid on your part." Cristina interrupted.

"Moving on, and now I have cancer. If that's not karma I have no idea what it is."

"Crap Luck, that's what it is. There's no Karma." Cristina stole the Tequila from Mer and took a generous gulp. "That's enough moping about boys and their stupid boy penises! And about karma, life's a bitch, get over it. Want to go, watch surgery? It's been forever since we've done that."

"Izzie?" Meredith asked.

"I'm in."

"Sure, then lets go."

**So Izzie redeemed herself... Only George left now.**

**Please review and I see y'all in a week for chapter 12.**


	13. My Heart With You

**A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed.**

**Some of the dialogue is borrowed from Grey's Anatomy 2x27 Losing My Religion**

**To all who have this story on their favourite/story alert list, I'm flattered and thankful, but it would be nice if you'd leave a review at least every once in a while, it is really encouraging to read that you like the story/why you like the story, even what you don't like.**

"Meredith, please no, Meredith." Her body was limp in his arms and it might just be his imagination but he could almost feel the warmth leaving her. He could feel tears running down his face and he was dimly aware that his body was shaking, but nothing mattered as he rocked Meredith gently. Because Meredith wasn't breathing, because Meredith had been declared dead ten minutes ago. It was ridiculous, Meredith couldn't be dead. She wasn't done living yet. He wasn't done loving her yet.

"I love you, Mer, please." People were starting to crowd around him, they'd try to make him let go of her soon, but he wouldn't. He had let go of her before and now she was dead when he had promised to take care of her. He had failed her again. He buried his face in her hair, the faint smell of lavender still lingering under all the hospital smells, as he held onto her tight.

"Derek." Bailey was there. "You need to let go of her."

"Can't." he gasped. "I promised I'd take care of her."

"And you did." Bailey's voice was gentle. "There is nothing you could have done, you need to let go of her."

"I'm not leaving Meredith." He had left her, he hadn't chosen her and now she was dead.

"Derek." Bailey touched his shoulder gently. "The minute she died, she stopped being Meredith. I know you loved her, and she loved you too but she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

"But..."

"Just let her go." Bailey's was firmer now. Derek frowned, he didn't want to let go of Meredith, but Bailey had always liked and protected Meredith, so if she said it was okay to let go it probably was. He pressed his lips onto hers gently for one last time, with a little childish hope she'd be like Sleeping Beauty for then she might wake from his kiss. But of course she didn't because it was just a fairytale and there was no life less fairytale-like than Meredith Grey's. He stared into her dull eyes. Once they had been vibrant and alive, now death stared back at him.

"I'll find you again, Mer." he promised. "I will find you and we'll have our forever." He gently let go of her body and climbed of her bed. Reaching forward, he closed her eyes. Meredith was dead. Gone. He was at loss what to do now. Meredith was gone. Dead. When his dad had died, he had thought there was no pain worse than it, but he had been wrong. Meredith being dead hurt a thousand times worse. They were broken up, she may have no longer been his but she still had been around. Now she wouldn't be. No more stolen moments in the elevator, no more accidental touching when handing over a chart, no more Meredith. Meredith was dead. Worse yet, she had died not knowing he loved her. He had never told her how much she meant to him, that she was his everything. And now he would never get the chance. Despair settled in his soul. He was numb and yet feeling everything at once.

Derek's eyes flew open. His chest was tight and for a second he was convinced he was about to have a heart attack. His stomach churned as he started retching. He pressed his hand onto his mouth, desperately trying to reach the bathroom before he threw up. He crouched down in front of the toilet just in time before he became violently sick, his stomach constricting painfully as it emptied. It had been so real, he swore he could still feel Meredith limp body against him as he held her tight. She had been dead. His stomach clenched harder and the disgusting taste of vomit was replaced with the burning bitterness of bile he now threw up since his stomach was long since empty. In his nightmare, Meredith had died. Tears were running down his face and he had no idea if it was because of his dream or because he kept throwing up. It had to have been a dream. He had seen Meredith just a few hours ago and she had been fine. Upset but alive. He suppressed the desire to grab his phone and call her. He was in no condition to move. A wet washcloth cleaned his face of sweat, tears and vomit while another hand gently rubbed up and down his back. Addison. It felt calming, but he only wanted Meredith. Only Meredith could make this feeling go away.

"You are completely drenched in sweat, Derek. You need to change."

"Hmmm..." he rested his head on his forarms, tiredly leaning on the toilet. Meredith had died. Not really, only in his dream, but real enough that he had just spent the last 20 minutes throwing up.

"Derek." Addison's hand ran through his hair. "If you don't feel like you are going to throw up right now, you need to change and come back to bed. Sleep will make you feel better." Only Derek knew that not to be true, because sleeping meant closing his eyes and closing his eyes meant he would see Meredith. That would normally make him feel very happy and slightly guilty, but tonight he would see Meredith's pale, lifeless body. His stomach clenched and he retched again. He had a feeling he would see that image for a very long time and only seeing Meredith alive might lessen the pain over time.

"I have a look if we have saltines and Ginger Ale. Come back to bed once you feel a bit better." Derek could only nod. He didn't need the guilt he felt because Addison was caring for him while he grieved for the dream-dead of the other woman by throwing up, on top of all the pain Merediths dream-dead meant for him. His stomach felt calmer now, he felt calmer now after the immediate panic of Meredith being dead had settled down. He stood up to brush his teeth. Derek was almost tempted to ask who the man was that stared at him out of the mirror. It was not him, or it had not been him a few weeks ago. His eyes were red-rimmed and the lines on his face more pronounced, grimmer than he remembered them to be. He would swear that there hadn't been grey hairs just a few weeks ago, but now there were definitely a few grey hairs in his dark locks. He looked tired, exhausted, older than the 40 years he was. He slowly changed out of his sweaty clothes into fresh pj's.

He stared against the wall as he curled up in bed, his stomach was still rolling but it was better now, the more time passed since the nightmare. Meredith had died. In his dream she suddenly was dead, without any apparent cause to it. One minute she had been there, and then she had been gone. A dead, lifeless body in his arms. Would he ever forget how it felt to hold her lifeless body against his, would he ever be able to look her into the eyes again without being afraid to see death staring back at him? Why now? Why dream of Meredith's death? She was in no immediate danger of dying. Sure, there was the surgery in a few days, but that was more or less routine and he had no reason to think that hers would be any different. Surgery was good, it meant they were starting to fight the cancer.

When the alarm went off, Derek hadn't closed his eyes once since he had woken up from the nightmare. He was too afraid to see her dead body should he dare to close his eyes, too afraid his subconsciousness would think up an even more horrifying nightmare should he dare to sleep, too upset to even truly try as his thoughts ran a mile a minute in circles. He felt world-weary as he forced his body out of the bed. Every bone in his body hurt. He wished nothing more than to stay in bed all day, preferable with Meredith curled up around him, hiding from the world. He had to go to work. The Head of Neurosurgery couldn't just play hooky because a nightmare had frightened him like a little boy. Besides, he wouldn't feel truly better until he had seen Meredith well and alive.

"You are going in today?" Addison questioned him while he got dressed.

"Yes."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, you were pretty sick last night."

"I feel better now" he lied. "Must have been something I ate and now that it's out of my system, I'm good."

"If you say so." he was almost certain she didn't believe him but she dropped it and these days he took whatever he got, desperate not to start his day with a fight. He just had to get to work and then he would see Meredith and he would feel better. The drive to work felt longer than usual and he dreaded having to get out of the car and work. It was long and tedious, he was tired and hadn't caught more than a quick glimpse of Meredith. It was like she was avoiding him, not that he hadn't expected it after last night in the elevator, but he needed to see her, to feel her to know she was okay. If he could just curl up somewhere and sleep, then it would be better, but before he saw Meredith, it would mean only more nightmares of that he was sure. If he could just sleep with Meredith, just sleep with her warm body right next to his, that would make sure the nightmares would stay away and he could get rest. Only Meredith would never agree and Addison would throw a fit and if he were a good husband and friend he wouldn't even be thinking about this. He was just soo tired. People seemed slower and more stupid than usual and just about everything grated on his nerves today.

"Someday, Dr. Bailey, you will remember that I am the Head of Neurosurgery and you are just a resident. That makes me your boss. Now do as I asked you unless of course the Chief is right mommy-tracking you and you are no longer the capable surgeon you used to be in which case just stay out of my way!" Derek's booming voice was cold as ice. He normally didn't mind that Bailey constantly overstepped her boundaries as a resident and had no problems telling attendings and even the Head of Departments or the Chief what she thought of them, it was good for his ego, but today he couldn't deal with it. Today, Bailey didn't scare him. Because last night, Meredith had been dead in his arms. And Bailey had been part of that dream, so every time he had seen Bailey today, he had seen Meredith dead in his arms, her eyes void of life. The nurse station was silent. It was as if everyone had stopped to look, to hear what was happening. It was never silent in the hospital, but right now you would be able to hear a pin drop. "Page me once you're done, I have work to do." his voice carried, cut through the silence. He walked away fast with what he hoped looked like purpose instead of what it was, him fleeing the scene. He had been completely unfair and more than a little out of line. Bailey was doing good work, both as a surgeon and as a teacher to her interns.. There was a reason why Bailey's interns were the best. He was pretty sure she had the most talented interns, but hers were also the most complicated, hardest to handle interns the hospital employed. Just because she now had a baby, she wasn't less of a surgeon. He knew that. Meredith and the other Interns caught his eye. They looked surprised and even angry. He had known they were a loyal bunch, but he hadn't known their loyalty extended over to Bailey. Meredith, she looked disappointed and … guilty? What reason did Meredith have to look guilty? And why did she looked like he had disappointed her. Another thing to think about. Not that there wasn't already enough on his mind, with Meredith telling him where to put his words last night and him no closer to a solution, with Meredith being dead in his dream. He resisted the urge to run his hand through his hair. He had made a mistake yelling at Bailey. Not only had it been uncalled for, it had also been inappropriate. He had yelled at Bailey in front of her interns. You never yelled at someone in front of their inferiors. It didn't work well with discipline. Of course, there was also the small fact that he had made an ass out of himself. He could feel the eyes of people burning holes in the back of his head. He could already here the gossip, McDreamy not being dreamy, cracking under having to juggle a wife and a mistress... The truth was, he was cracking, only for completely different reason than Seattle Grace Gossip would talk about. When he felt he had put enough distance between himself and the _scene_ he slipped into an on-call room. If he were honest with himself, he would admit that he was hiding from the world. Hiding from Addison who sure would have something to say about how he had treated Bailey, they were kind of friends. Hiding from the Chief who'd have an opinion on how he had treated the Chief's protégée. Hiding from the eyes of people starving for a little more gossip. Hiding from Meredith. That was the worst of all, how she had looked at him after he had yelled at Bailey. It was almost as bad as the pain in her eyes yesterday. He pressed the heal of his hands into his eyes. He would not cry, not in the hospital.

"Derek?" He looked up. There she was, standing in the doorway, gnawing on her bottom lip.

"Please don't, Meredith." he whispered, already it took all of his willpower not to pull her in his arms, to hold onto her. Right now, he still had something resembling control, but if he were to hold her, he surely would fall apart. She walked inside ignoring him, closing the door behind her.

"You can't just yell at Bailey like that, Derek. Don't be an ass just because you can't handle it. It's fine, don't worry about it, you can step aside now. Everyone knows, the others can help out, you don't have to any more." He swallowed heavily. Step aside? Not help her? How could she even think that, he _needed _to be there for her, he _needed_ to be by her side during this. How could she not see that not being by her side through this wasn't even a choice? How could she not see that he'd do anything for her? And he was right back where he had been last night in the elevator, how would he make her see it, how could he make her understand. She had been dead, somehow he couldn't get past the fact that he had held her dead body close in his nightmare. He could still feel the grief, the despair he had felt in the dream, together with the complete numbness that followed because what was there left for him to feel with Meredith dead, aside from pain and grief and despair? A sob forced itself out. His body shook as he fought against the tears threatening to fall. They fell anyways. Meredith looked at him with something akin to fear. He had always been collected around her, the only time he remembered not being had been when he had told her about Addison and Mark and even then he was more collected than not. Everything was falling apart, he was unravelling by the seams, the control he usually held on so tightly vanishing, his emotions out of control.

"Meredith." he pleaded. Pleaded to be left alone, pleaded to be held, pleaded for her to do something other than just stand there frozen in one place.

_Thanks everyone for reading :-) See y'all next week_

**Don't forget to leave a review!**

_To reader "Juni", the Cristina calling Mer 'baby' is taking out of 1x05 Shake Your Groove Thing_


	14. Forbidden Love

**A/N thanks for the reviews.**

**I sincerely apologize for the delay in posting this story, but where I was staying the last few days on vacation, I had no internet.**

**For this story I worked under the assumption that Mer not only told Derek about George, but she also told him that her mum cheated on her dad and that that was the reason for her parents divorce and her subsequent abandonment by her father. **

**Again, this chapter didn't go exactly as planned, but I think it worked out after I rewrote it a few times... let me know what you think!**

**They both are a emotional mess. That's the only excuse I have for this chapter :p**

"Ssshhhh" Meredith whispered, running her hand through his hair. His head was buried in her neck as she gently rocked with him. His arms encircled her waist and he was clinging to her so tight it almost hurt. His breath came in short, laboured bursts and her scrubs were wet from his tears.

"Sssshhh, just breathe." She had never seen him like this, so desperate. If she was honest, it scared her a little. She wondered what had brought this on, he had seemed okay last night and today he had a meltdown. She had heard that the nurses had started to avoid him. Him, for whom the nurses usually went out of their way to accommodate just so he would flash them a smile. Him yelling at Bailey like he had probably still had half the hospital rendered speechless. She felt a little guilty, because she was pretty sure her having cancer and him being so involved were at least part of the reason why he was clinging to her like he was drowning, but the severity of his reaction threw her off. She wondered if something else had happened that would explain the utter desperation of his tears. He shifted in her arms, the side of his head now pressed against her chest, directly above her heart. It seemed to make him feel a little better, as his tears calmed. He hiccuped and she almost giggled at the sensation as it shook her whole body so tightly he was clinging to her.

"What happened?" she finally asked. There was only so long she could stay with him here in their little bubble of an on-call room before she had to go back to work, if she wasn't paged before that, the joys of being a surgical Intern. His breathing seemed to have slowed down enough to talk, at least he was no longer gasping for air that she was almost afraid he would make himself sick. He looked up, his eyes were so full of pain. Her heart went out to him. Just last night she had thought she needed to put some distance between them, but today nothing could be further of her mind.

"You died." his voice was thick with emotion.

"Huh?"

"Last night, I dreamt that you died."

Meredith was at loss for words. "You dreamt that I died?"

"Yes." Nightmares were bad, but did they really warrant this level of upset? Very clearly, she was not dead.

"I don't understand."

"What the hell is there not to understand? You fucking died, Meredith." anger laced his voice. "And I was there holding your limp body in my arms, closing your eyes." anger was replaced by pain. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have the woman you l... to have your best friend die?"

"No I don't, but neither do you. Derek, it was just a dream. A horrible, horrible dream."  
"When I woke up, I could have sworn it was real, I spent the rest of the night throwing up and lying awake because I was too afraid to go back to sleep." Well, not sleeping certainly explained why his mood was so foul today, why his emotions were so raw, more so than the nightmare had.

"I am alive Derek."

"I know that." he laughed helplessly "But for how long? You almost died a few weeks ago when the bomb went of, you will be under general anaesthesia in a few days, there is surgery, chemo, the cancer itself, so many things could go wrong."

"Derek..." she reached out to stroke his cheek gently. "I could go outside today and be run over by a bus, so could you. If I, the queen of dark and twisty manage not to be completely overwhelmed by despair waiting for the other shoe to drop, so can you." He pulled her closer and rested his head against her chest again.

"Derek, what are you doing?"

"Sschh, listening to your heartbeat."

"Of course." like it was the most natural thing in the world to cuddle with your ex-girlfriend. She went back to running her hand through his hair, waiting for him to be ready to move. It felt good holding him so close, but at the same time it also felt wrong. He had left her. He was trying to repair his marriage and yet here he was holding onto her, no clinging to her. She supposed she shouldn't care if he didn't, after all it was not her job to uphold his vows, but her mum had been a filthy whore and she was not going to be her mother. She gradually relaxed in his touch, he was her Derek after all. Or not hers, but Derek. In many ways, she felt closer to him now that she had even when they were sleeping together, in others she felt they were never further apart. Most of the time he was everything she needed, not the perfect man, Meredith wasn't blind to his flaws, but her Mr. Perfect nonetheless. If only...

She was pulled from her thoughts when he sat up, she instantly missed the warmth of his body against hers. He stroked her cheek gently.

"Promise me you won't die?"

"Derek..."

"You know, how we always say it makes a difference whether a patient wants to live or not when operating, when fighting an illness? I am asking you to fight, I'm asking you to, when it comes down to a split-second-decision, to choose life."

"I promise."

He smiled at her gently "Thank you." His eyes flickered down to her lips. The skin where his hand rested on her thigh heated. Derek's head tilted slightly. There was still pain in his eyes and a few things Meredith couldn't identify but underneath it all, there was dirt in his eyes. She could feel his breath on her skin as he leaned in. Her eyes fell shut when his lips brushed across hers lightly. It wasn't quite a kiss, their lips had barely touched. She followed his movement when he withdrew, her hand landing on his chest. She knew she shouldn't, but all this talk about death made her want to remember her last kiss. She hadn't the last time when she was about to die and she needed to know, just in case. She wanted to remember every detail, every movement, every tingle down her spine and every butterfly in her stomach.

"Meredith." her whispered name washed over her like a caress. Their lips met again, firmer this time. His arms pulled her closer, holding her against his firm body. She moaned when he nibbled gently on her bottom lip. In response, he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue into her mouth. The position they were in was uncomfortably, sitting next to each other, twisting to be able kiss each other. Just as she was thinking about climbing into his lap to be closer to him, he leaned back on the bed, pulling her with him so she was lying on top of him. He felt good beneath her as they continued kissing leisurely. His hands ran over her body, it felt good. It had been too long since she had been touched like this. She buried her hands in his hair. His eyes were dark with desire, her own mind was cloudy from the arousal. His hands grabbed her ass, pushing their lower bodies together. His arousal pressed against her. Their kisses became almost frenetic as he flipped them over. His weight felt heavenly on top of her. Their limbs entangled, covering every bit of exposed skin with featherlight kisses he rocked into her.

"Derek." Meredith moaned as she pulled his hair. His arousal rubbed so deliciously against her it had her panting, desperately longing for more, for they both were still fully dressed. And then he pulled away.

"Derek?"

"We can't." he said breathlessly from where he was lying next to her.

"Ass!" Meredith pushed him away from her and moved to get up.

"Meredith." his arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her back onto the bed.

"Let go of me." She needed to get out of here, she could feel the tears building up and there was no where in hell she would let him see her cry.

"No." she fought against him, but he tightened his grip on her. "Listen to me, Meredith."

"No." she clawed his chest and he hissed in pain when she accidentally scratched his face.

"Meredith, stop. I don't want to hurt you, but you need to listen to me."

"I won't tell Addison... just let me go." her throat was closing up. Meredith hated herself. She used to be a strong woman, why was it that he always managed to reduce her to a blubbering mess.

"Meredith."

"Derek, don't..." to her own horror, tears started to fall.

"Don't cry Meredith." his voice was full of horror. "Please don't cry." he pulled her close. She buried her face in Derek's chest, his arms tight around her. He didn't want her. He had lied, she wasn't beautiful, she wasn't perfect. She was willing to have sex with her married ex-boyfriend just to feel good about herself for a little while. The thought made her cry harder. She wasn't even enough to be his whore.

"I'm sorry, Mer, so sorry. Please stop crying." he was begging her now as he held her tighter, but her tears just wouldn't stop coming. "Tell me what do to, Mer."

"I hate you! I regret the day we met!"

"Meredith..." his arms around her loosened.

"I hate you, I hate, hate, hate you." she pummelled his chest with her fists.

"Stop, Meredith." he grabbed her wrists so tightly it almost hurt. She needed to get out of here, she needed him to leave. She fought against him holding her, trying to get out of his grasp, she was pretty sure she had kicked him in the shins, and she was _this_ close to knee him in the groin so he would let her go.

"You need to stop Meredith, I don't want to hurt you." he shifted and suddenly he was pining her to the bed and not in a good way. "You need to listen to me, just for a moment."

"Fuck you." she tried to fight him off her, he had no right to pin her to the bed, to hold her against her will. She could scream for help... but that would be hard to explain.

"I want you." it took a moment for his words to sink in and it threw her off so much, she stopped fighting against him. Meredith desperately wanted to call him out on his lie, but she could only see honesty in his eyes. He must have taken her silence, that she ceased to fight as the offer to continue.

"I want you badly. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about that other men can have you when I can't because I chose it that way. It makes me sick because I shouldn't want you, because I should want my wife. It makes me sick because I can barely look at myself in the mirror. Before last night, I dreamt about it, I think about it all the time. You feel that, huh?" his voice was harsh as he pressed against her, Meredith could clearly feel his growing erection against her as she listened to his words almost like under a spell. His hands left her wrists as he ran it through his hair agitated.

"I get hard just mentioning it. It's just, I'm not _that_ man, I refuse to be _that_ man. I refuse to do that to Addison, because it fucking hurts to find out your spouse cheated." he was almost breathless as the words spilt out of him. Meredith wondered how long it had been on his mind, how long he had thought about it.

"I refuse to do that to you. You deserve better this, than being the other woman. Better than forbidden rendezvous in on-call rooms always being afraid of being found out and booty-calls when Addison is on-call. You deserve everything, the husband, the 2.5 kids, the house with the white picket fence and the dog. You're too good to be the other woman. Don't you understand? We can't, because we both know better, because we both know the pain it causes." at some point he had rolled of her and was lying next to her on the small bed, their bodies squished together. He stroked her cheek, and if Meredith would have had any hope left, she would have called it lovingly. "We're both hurting and running on empty. If we were thinking clearly, we wouldn't even by lying here like this. There's too much hurt already." Meredith wanted to scream, to hit things, hit him, but everything he said was true. Well, almost everything, Meredith honestly doubted she would she would ever have the white picket fence dream. Derek had been her chance for happiness and no one would ever measure up. But everything else, but her, them being better than this. He was right. Her mother had an affair and it had ended badly for everyone involved with her home wrecked. She was no homewrecker. No matter the wrong he did when he initiated the kiss, no matter that it was his fault they were in this position in the first place, in the end he had saved them both, making sure she could still look at herself in the mirror, that she could still keep her head held high when she had gotten carried away by the love she still felt for him. They continued to lie together, leaning into each other until their limbs were intertwined again and her head was resting on his chest, arms tightly wrapped around each other. This was not cheating. This was just two friends drawing comfort from each other, recovering from the wrong they had almost committed. Technically, Meredith thought, what they had done was cheating. She would cut her man's balls of if she'd ever found him in a position like this with a woman that wasn't her, but they had stopped. Or he had stopped them, but it wasn't really that important who had started it and who had stopped it, what was important was that they had stopped before they had crossed the line of no return. Meredith sighed. The had gone from him falling apart, through a brief reprise, to almost making the biggest mistake, to her loosing it, to finding innocent peace in each other's arms all in less than an hour. It was no wonder Meredith's head spun. Right now though, in this very moment in his arms, lying together in silence, Meredith felt safe and at peace. It wouldn't last. Soon, life would intrude and they'd have to return to the busy hospital, but she would enjoy for as long as it lasted.

_thanks for reading. I'll be away for the next 3 weeks, I will be pretty busy because of my summer job during this time (with 24/7 on-call hours in addition to regular hours) so I have no idea if or when I will have to write/post a new chapter. I will try my best, but otherwise I will be back in the second week of July. _

**Don't forget to review!**


	15. Somebody That I Used To Know

**A/N its not Friday yet, but I didn't want to make you wait any longer than absolutely necessary for this chapter, after you all waited so patiently for so long for a new chapter (or I hope you did we will see how many readers I'll have left after this almost month-long hiatus). This chapter was originally written during my trip, a few sentences here, a few there before I started completely new this morning because I didn't like it as it was. It has a second part which is not finished yet, but I wanted to give you something already. I can't promise I will have it ready for my regular update schedule on Friday though, so it might be a bit late. I certainly hope that by next week I'll be able to update regularly again.**

Derek was weary. It had been a few exhausting months. First there was him discovering Addison and Mark in bed together following by himself running across the country. There was the short blissful reprise when he was with Meredith but then Addison had arrived and him and Meredith had ended. What followed was undeserved heartbreak for Meredith and for him too when he realised the depths of his feelings for her. Yet that was his decision and so he lived with it, for a while at least. He watched with a heavy feeling of guilt in his gut as Meredith came undone, before he watched her leave Joe's with a new guy night after night. It had been surprisingly painful to see Meredith move on, just as he had told her when they were operating on her one-night-stand. They all were undeserving of the woman Meredith was. Even George, friend that he claimed to be was undeserving of her. By logic, his feeling for Meredith should have lessened over time, but as love is fond to do it defied all logic and his feelings grew stronger the longer Meredith and him were apart. The more time passed, the closer his feeling bubbled on the surface, overshadowed only by his desire for her which plagued his dreams and at times had almost overwhelmed him. Then the bomb had happened. When Cristina had told him it was Meredith who held the bomb his world just about stopped. Only the knowledge that if he were to leave Bailey's husband would die for sure, stopped him from running out of the OR to be by her side. When she stood opposite of him that night in her hallway, so small, asking him about their last kiss it took everything he had to walk away and not to cradle her in his arms to shield her from the world. And then Meredith had come to him, scared with a lump in her breast. Since then his predominant emotion had been despair. He tried to stay strong for Meredith as she had too much on her plate as it was, but he could feel himself unravel at the seams. It all had come together the day before after his horrible nightmare. Once again he felt like he was drowning, and once again Meredith had been the one to save him. Before he knew it he had pulled her onto him and they were making out, desire burning through his veins. He had managed to pull back just in time. Her reaction to him withdrawing had broken his heart and every single of her tears was like a knife stabbing him. He was such an ass. But she had let him hold her and when she had finally left his whole body had missed her warmth. He had told her yesterday how much he wanted her, even had let her feel how much, but that was only half the story. Many a man wanted her, proven my the slew of men she took home with her, but he also loved her. Only he couldn't tell her he loved her, for he had chosen his wife. Even if he were to tell her, would she even believe him? Or would Meredith perceive it as just another empty confession by the adulterer to his mistress before going home to the wife, empty promises without the intention of ever following through? And so, want had to fill in for love. He had lied awake most of last night again, his thoughts going in circles around Meredith, the cancer, Addison, the choice he made. When he had fallen apart in Meredith's arms yesterday it had released some of the built-up tension, but he knew he was reaching his breaking point. Today, Mark was being thrown into the mix as well. Derek had no idea how to handle it, he had made a promise to Meredith but depending Mark's behaviour and his own state of mind, he might not be able to keep it. Another promise broken.

He allowed his shoulders to slump forward for a moment in the privacy of the elevator before he'd put the air of a confident neurosurgeon back on. The doors opened just as Derek straightened up, and speak of the devil there he was, the man who used to be his brother. The door closed behind Mark and they stood side by side.

"Why did you do it?" Derek stared straight ahead, it was hard looking at Mark and not punching him. His shift had barely started and already it was a bad day. Meeting Mark in the elevator didn't help matters.

"What?"

"Why did you sleep with Addison? You knew she was my wife, so what in god's name possessed you to screw her? **My wife**? I never judged you, I trusted you despite knowing that you don't respect marriage because you were my brother. And still, you slept with my wife. And I want to know why. I have a right to know why." It was a thought that had haunted Derek for a while. It was one of the first thoughts he had had after catching the two together. Meredith had made them go away and then Addison had shown up he was trying to forgive her, but the more time passed the more important it became for him to know why the two people he trusted the most betrayed him like they had.

"Hello Mark, I'd say nice to see you, but then I'd be lying. Thank you for flying out here to help out in my mistresses surgery."

"She's not my mistress." Derek groaned tonelessly. She was not! "Thank you for flying out here. Now stop being an ass and answer my question."

"Derek..."

"You were my brother, my best friend from when we were kids. You were my best man at the wedding. The person I trusted the most and you betrayed me, made my wife another notch on your bed post. Of all the woman in New York you could have slept with that night, why Addison?"

"It takes two to have sex, you remember that right?" Derek clenched his fists. The promise he gave Meredith was about the only thing that stopped him from punching Mark again. It might seem insignificant, this promise, but it was one promise to her he was determined to keep. It seemed increasingly important not to fail her.

"Don't be a smartass. I don't care if she made the first move or if it was you. What I care about is how **you** could betray me like that. The Mark I thought I knew would have never done that, family meant something to him."

"I was in love with her."

Derek froze. Mark did not fall in love, not since he was a 15 and had decided that love was stupid.

"You what?"

"I was in love with her. I still am. And I thought she loved me too."

"I... I don't know what to say." Mark had loved Addison? It changed everything, and yet... it changed nothing at all. Addison still had been his wife, Mark still had been his brother. Did it make it better or worse that his brother had fallen in love with his wife?

"Doesn't matter, it's not like she loved me. She chose you. The great Derek Shepherd has it all."

"Hardly."

"Oh yeah? What's so bad about your life? Let me guess... Is it the hot wife that tolerates you moaning after your lusty intern because she feels guilty, or is it said lusty intern that is still madly in love with you. No wait, it must be the incredible bad job as Head of Neurosurgery in one of the best teaching hospitals."

"Don't make it my fault that you can't keep it in your pants." From the outside looking in, his life didn't seem too bad, but what did Mark truly know about his life?

"Didn't you hear anything what I said?"

"I did. That's no excuse though. You loved her, whatever, she was still my wife."

"As if you cared. You're just pissed someone dared to take what was yours, not that I had sex with Addison. You were never home anyways."

"You're right, I am pissed that you slept with my wife. As my brother and best friend, that should have meant something to you. No matter what you say you felt, as long as she was my wife she should have been off limits to you. It should have counted for something. But you still don't get it."

"Neither do you! I loved her." Mark's voice rose.

"I don't care. I was your brother, that should have come first. Being in love... that doesn't absolute you of responsibility for your choices. Every choice we make comes with consequences." He ignored the insisting voice yelling _hypocrite_ in his head. He certainly knew what it meant to be in love with someone you shouldn't love. He loved Meredith, he loved her so much it hurt and yet he had chosen not to be with her, to honour his responsibility, so he lived with the consequences of his choice every day. But did he really live with the consequences? The voice in his head asked. Had he truly accepted his choice with all its consequences? Derek could feel a headache forming. While being in an elevator with Mark was surely not the right time to think about this. Derek had trouble to sort out his thoughts. Mark had thought Addison loved him... How had Mark come to the conclusion that Addison loved him? What piece was missing in the puzzle? Before he could pursue the thoughts further, the elevator doors opened again and they both stepped of.

"Have a nurse page Meredith for you. She knows you'll be in today." He couldn't lead Mark to Meredith himself. When he had offered to call Mark he had only thought in terms of making her the most comfortable and getting her the best possible care, but he hadn't thought about that it would include an examination. In this particular case it meant Mark touching Meredith's breast. It almost made him shake with suppressed rage. Before he could do something stupid, he walked away. He spotted the red hair of his wife and changed directions. He had assured her after calling Mark that he would not ignore her, but he couldn't deal with her right now, not after Mark's revelation. The Chief walked down to hallway he had just ducked into the avoid Addison. The hospital turned out to be a pure minefield today. He slipped into a supply closet he knew was connected to another hallway before the Chief could approach him. He wasn't in the mood for a lecture about yelling at Bailey. He knew it was wrong, he knew it even while he was doing it, he would apologise. Speaking of apologising, right in front of him Bailey was leaving a patients room, it was his chance.

"Dr. Bailey, may I have a moment?"

"Yes Sir." she had never called him Sir, and never had she spoken to him void of any emotion. Derek spotted an empty conference room. When she stood opposite of him, Derek felt even worse. There was no doubt that what he had said to her had hurt Bailey deeply.

"What I said yesterday was uncalled for, I apologise. You are a very capable surgeon." He could see it was not enough. Truth to be told, even to him the apology felt weak but what else was there to say.

"If you think I am a capable surgeon, than why did you say it?" her eyes were hard. Derek rubbed his face tiredly. As sound as _you told me the woman I loved was dead_ sounded in his head, he doubted his reasoning would fly with Bailey.

"Look, Miranda." on her stare, he hastened to correct himself "Dr. Bailey, I was out of line, I apologised, now can we move on? I have to be in the OR in twenty."

"I notice how you yelled at me in public, but apologise in private."

"As is my privilege as your boss." her snort told him exactly what she thought of that. "I saved your husbands life when I could have, no should have evacuated." that was a low-blow, something a doctor should never do, least of all to a fellow doctor, using a saved life with their loved one to bargain.

"It was your duty to do so. You'd done the same for any other patient."

"No I wouldn't have." It was a painful truth he had admitted to himself only after many sleepless nights but if it had any other patient but Bailey's husband, he would have walked away. Not when he was asked to evacuate, he would still have continued then, but when Cristina had come in to tell him it was Meredith with her hand on the bomb, then he would have left any other patient to his fate and gone to Meredith. He hoped she recognised how vulnerable he had made himself professionally with this admission. And she seemed to understand, for something akin to an understanding passed between them before the small woman left the conference room. Derek put back on the confident neurosurgeon image he liked people to have of him, pushed back the little bit of vulnerability he had let seep out while talking to Bailey, before leaving for his operation.

**So if you have read this, thank you for sticking with the story. I would love to hear your thoughts, especially now it'd be greatly appreciated if you'd leave a review so I know people are still reading my story (even if it's just a "still reading" ;-) )**

**See you soon for the second half of the chapter.**


	16. Broken Strings

**A/N Thank you everyone for your reviews. I am glad to know so many of you are still reading this story. I did my best to finish this chapter as soon as possible.**

**I do not hate Addison, she's not my favourite character that's true, but I don't think she's evil. So just remember, you are reading this from the perspective of a man who used to refer to his estranged wife as Satan.**

Why did Mark think Addison loved him? The thought hadn't left him alone all day. It had been in the back of his mind while he was in the OR, it had been in the back of his mind while he did more research on the aftermath of a mastectomy, and now as he was turning off the car in front of his trailer it came back to the forefront. Mark thought of himself as gods gift to women, and he liked to say that women loved him, but he had never mistaken lust for love that Derek knew of. So who had been deceived by Addison? Mark? Him? Both? Was there another option Derek had not thought of yet? Addison was already home, she always seemed to beat him home, even when they got off at the same time. But of course, he didn't try to get home quickly these days. The less time he spent there, the better. Doc barked as he left the car. He smiled, but it froze quickly on his face when Addison opened the door. This was it, the time of thought was over, now they had stuff to talk about. He would ask questions he should have asked months ago when she first came out here to ask for a second chance. Why had it taken her almost three months before she followed him?

"Derek, I didn't see you all day."

"I didn't want to see you today" he accidentally used the same words he used the last time Mark was in town. She flinched as if he'd slapped her. Derek winced, he hadn't wanted to start with upsetting her like this. The discussion they would need to have tonight would be serious enough without Addison already pissed off because of something he said. It would go better if they could remain and talk this over as the two adults that they were. No matter the outcome, his marriage was over. It had to be. It had to end while he could still do so with his head held high because he had remained true to his vows. He couldn't ignore his feelings for Meredith any longer, they had grown too strong. So strong that more than once he was about to sell out all that he believed in, give into the temptation that Meredith was to him. He had to ask Addison for a divorce tonight. It all had to be sorted tonight or tomorrow, for after that Meredith operation was and the longest and hardest battle against the cancer, the fight for her survival, was fought.

"You said you wouldn't ignore me this time." her voice was thick. She must know it was ending.

"I didn't intended to. That was before I knew certain things." Before that, before the end, he had to know things. He had to know the truth if Mark was delusional or if his wife had fallen in love with his best friend.

"Certain things?" she echoed. Was he imagining it, or was there a slight tremor in her voice as if she were afraid. He walked into his trailer and sat down at the tiny eating table with a bottle of scotch.

"Mark apparently was under the impression you loved him when he slept with you." he watched her closely for a reaction. Some emotion passed over her face, but even after 11 years of marriage it passed too fast for him to recognise. "I've been wondering all day what could have given my brother the impression that my wife was in love with him. How is that possible if it was a one-night thing, a moment of weakness?"

"Derek..." her voice trailed of. She didn't meet his eyes.

"I see." he had prepared himself for this moment, but it still hurt, almost as bad as when he had first walked in on Addison and Mark. "How often before I caught you two?" Part of him didn't want to know, wanted to stay oblivious, but the bigger part of him needed to know once and for all how big a fool he was. She didn't answer him.

"Addison, how often?" but her not answering was answer enough. Had it only been that one time, she'd had come right out and told him so. It was disconcerting how they could sit here and almost calmly were able to talk about her infidelity. This was the end of the most significant relationship of his adult life. More that half of his adult life had been spent with Addison. It all ended tonight. Despite that he now knew she had carried on an affair with Mark much longer than he thought, it was still surprisingly painful to know it was the end.

"A few times." she whispered finally, still looking anywhere but at him.

"But after I caught you two, that was the end?" His voice almost begged her to agree. It had to have been the end, she must have had realise her mistake, otherwise all his reasoning for leaving Meredith and giving his marriage a second chance was faulty. If his leaving hadn't sparked the wish to reconcile in her...

Something in her stance however had changed, and she was standing straight. "I stayed with him after you left." she must have decided now was the moment for the whole truth, the truth she should have told him months ago. "I was pregnant. When I caught him cheating, I had an abortion and left. When Richard called that you were fooling around with that intern of yours, I came here to get you back." Red hot rage boiled in his veins. If Mark had been here, he'd be a dead man.

As for Addison..."You whore!" his glass crashed onto the floor as he stood up. "How could you." his voice echoed in the tiny trailer as his body shook from the effort to keep his rage contained. Blood rushed in his ears, his fists were clenched tightly at his side. For the first time in his life he could understand why a man might want to raise his hand against his wife. Doc whined. He had thought finding Addison in bed with Mark was the biggest betrayal, but this... it was so much worse. The past months when he worked on his marriage, maybe not as much as he should have, but still he did. The one thing he had been proud of was that he had told Addison the truth. When he took her back, she knew what she was up against, that he loved Meredith and she had been willing to wait it out. She however, she had lied to him. She had manipulated him. He had to get out of here before he did something unforgivable.

"I'm going to take Doc for a walk, I want you gone by the time I get back."

"Derek."

"Don't! Com'on Doc." He walked out into the dark. God, what had just happened. He had come home tonight with a vague idea what something about what he knew was not adding up, some inconsistencies. What he had just learned was not just some inconsistencies, it were gaping holes in the story. Mark loved Addison. Addison said she loved Mark. They had been fooling around behind his back for a while before he caught them. They had stayed together after he left. Addison had been pregnant with Mark's child. Mark being Mark had cheated on Addison. Addison had decided to have a abortion and ask him for forgiveness. Fool that he was he had fallen for Addison's line and had to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was nothing left of his marriage to save and give Addison a second chance. A second chance based on the assumption that she had made one mistake in a moment of weakness. All the choices he made were based on a completely wrong set of assumptions. It was as if he had lived the whole time thinking the sun moved around the earth, when now he learned that in reality the earth moves around the sun. All this time he was without Meredith, watching her from afar because he owed it to his marriage, only to realise he didn't owe anything at all. The last few months had been a sham. She had actually been pregnant with another man's baby, with Mark's baby. Did Mark know he would have become a father? For just a moment he felt pity for the other man. Mark had been played by Addison just like he had. His marriage was over. It had been on the decline before he had caught Addison cheating. It had been a game of playing house in the past months after he had taken her back because he was unable to forget Meredith even though he had honestly wanted to give his marriage a second chance. Addison... how could a woman be so cruel? Derek didn't know whether to hit things or to cry.

"She was pregnant with another man's baby, Doc, and when that didn't work out she aborted the baby and came back to me. Fool that I am I let her convince me that I owed our marriage a second chance. Huh, what do you say about that. My wife is a lying, cheating whore. To think that to get back with her I broke the heart of the most amazing woman." He was filled with the same desire to leave town that had filled him back in New York when he had found Addison in bed with Mark. Go somewhere where no one would know him, know of his wife and ask questions. A fresh start where people respected him as Dr. Derek Shepherd, extraordinary neurosurgeon. This time fleeing from the pain, the shame, the anger was not an option. He liked Seattle. More so, Meredith was Seattle. While he was thinking, Doc had led him back to the trailer. Just as he walked into the light, he saw Addison sitting on his porch.

"Why are you still here?" he growled. He had meant what he said when he asked her to leave. She needed to leave.

"I want to talk."

"There is nothing left to talk about. You lied. We're done. I don't want to see you ever again. My lawyer will call your lawyer and they can take care of the divorce. We split everything 50/50, including your trust fund by the way, and then we're done once and for all." he stared at the trailer door instead of her on purpose.

"You're not getting my trust fund!"

"The hell I am. 50/50 on everything. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Now get off my land."

"If you think I am just going to..."

"I don't care Addison. You're a lying, cheating whore."

"Don't call me names!"

"What else would you call what you did, huh? You made your bed, now lie in it. You deserve to be called worse."

"What about you then, Derek. Do you think I don't know about you and Meredith Grey?"

"What are you talking about." There was no way Addison could know about his few moments of weakness where his feelings for Meredith had overwhelmed his common sense.

"Do you think I am stupid? That I can't smell her perfume on you? That no one sees you slipping into on-call rooms after each other? You could at least have been a bit more discreet."

"Oh, and you're the poster-gal for discretion, I guess? Fucking your lover in your husbands bed? Tell me how often did you fuck in there only to put on fresh sheets and sleep next to me a few hours later. Worse, how often did you fuck him and then turn around and fuck me when I came home."

"When you came home? You were never home. You never touched me any more or even looked at me. So I went somewhere else to get some satisfaction. At least I was discreet. No one knew about me and Mark. Everyone talks about you and your precious Meredith. Nice touch warning me about the rumours, really. I almost believed you."

"That was the truth!" Derek protested. She was the whore in this marriage. He had stayed true to his vows ever since he decided to give his marriage a second chance. True, he had wavered on occasion, done some things that strictly speaking could be interpreted as cheating, but he hadn't had sex with Meredith. "Meredith is too good a person to be someone's dirty secret. I, ah, haven't been with her since you showed up."

Addison let out a bitter laugh. "Of course you haven't. I guess she'll say the same. Always pretending to be so good, so honourable the great Derek Shepherd does no wrong. I guess I imagined it when you moaned her name in your sleep?"

Derek flushed. "I would like you see control what you dream about."

"So you admit it?"

"Dreaming about her? Yes. I am not proud about that fact. You have no idea how guilty that made me feel, but its not like I was able to change what I dreamt about. But I didn't cheat on you!"

"You want me to believe you had dirty dreams for months about the girl you had an affair with for a few weeks?"

"I broke her heart because you asked for a second chance."

"Broke her heart? The girl was screwing her boss' boss. You've been going out for a few weeks, there was no heart to be broken, maybe a career advancement plan failed, but no heart break."

"You saw her! I know she loved me. And I love her too. We weren't an affair, we were the real deal. We could have been great together. We were great together and then you had to come with your lies and destroy it all."

"Well, apparently I am out of your life, so I assume you're off to screw your mistress as soon as I am gone." Derek shook his head. He thought things had gotten out of hand earlier, but this screaming match in the middle of his porch made him glad he didn't have any neighbours close by.

"I don't even recognize you any more. When did you become this bitter, calculation, cold-hearted bitch? You used to be so kind..."

"Oh great, back to calling me names."

"Just leave Addison. Take what you need for the next few days and then leave. I'll pack up the rest of your stuff tomorrow and sent it to you." suddenly he was only tired. All he really wanted to do was drink himself into oblivion so he wouldn't have to think about what he learned tonight, and then to sleep. He walked past her, intend on ignoring her until she left. Instead of Addison, he focused on the bottle of Scotch. He hadn't tried to get drunk since his early college days. He wondered if one bottle of Scotch would be enough.

At some point Addison had left because four hours, half a bottle of Scotch and much lamenting and self-pity later, Derek was pleasently buzzed. Not completely drunk, just buzzeds enough that there was suddenly one important thing to do for Derek that night. Squinting he picked up his mobile phone, searching for the correct number took a bit longer than usual, the keys must have shrunk. Or maybe his fingers had gotten bigger? But finally he managed and the dialling tone made his ears ring. When someone finally picked up on the second try, loud partying noises made it through the line. A familiar giggle made his heart beat faster, but hearing it through this particular connection, it made his blood boil.

"I forgive you." Derek said quickly and hung up. He didn't want to know if his alcohol muddled brain had made up the familiar sound of Meredith or if it was real. If it was the latter, he didn't want to know. He may have decided, after much talking to Scotch and Doc that he had to forgive, but he would never be able to forgive this if it were true. Glad he still had half a bottle of Scotch to look forward to, Derek retired to his bed. Maybe, if he drank it fast enough, it would knock him out and allow some sleep.

**So that was the second part. While I was writing it it stalled after about a page. Just as I was about to give up and go to bed (it's getting real late here) Derek and Addison suddenly decided to share what happened that night. If there are more mistakes than usual, I apologize but I am barely able to keep my eyes open. I promised to publish on Friday and since the majority of my readers are in the US where it's still Friday, its a promise kept.**

**Please leave a review :-)**


	17. Never Alone

**A/N thanks to everyone who reviewed. **

**Sorry if there are more spelling mistakes than usual but I just finished this chapter and it's already after 1am where I live right now and I am tired, so I haven't proofread the chapter but otherwise you probably wouldn't have gotten the chapter until Monday.**

"Page Dr. Grey for me please." Meredith looked up when she heard her name.

"Mark."

"Meredith."

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"Do you have a moment for the exam? I read your file on the flight over and so far I agree with the assessment, but I would like to draw my own conclusions." Mark was nothing but professional and for that Meredith was glad.

"I just have to let Dr. Bailey know, I am on her service today."

"Of course." It didn't take Meredith long to get permission from Bailey and she let Mark into an empty exam room.

"I guess I undress than?"

"That would be helpful."

Meredith hesitated as she gripped her scrub-shirt to pull it up."Wow... this is slightly awkward."

"It is. This is why I don't usually treat friends or family."

"Well, I am neither."

"No but you're part of our messy love quadrangle."

"Not anymore."  
"One dirty mistress to another, yes you are. You are Derek's something. He wouldn't have called me otherwise."

"His something?" Meredith was voice doubtful.

"Yeah, this thing without definition. Ex-girlfriend, ex-mistress, friend...this thing that doesn't really have a name."

"Best Friend, its also called."

"You consider him your best friend?"

"He considers me his best friend." only later she realized how hurtful that must have been for Mark to hear. Obviously he knew he was no longer Derek's best friend, that tended to be the consequence of sleeping with once''s wife, but to know he had been replaced with her must have hurt him deeply.

"Come'on now. Off with the shirt, we don't want to start talk because we're here for too long."

"Funny." Nonetheless she pulled off her shirt and bra. "Make it quick, please." It felt immensely wrong when Mark touched her breasts. She knew she had asked for Mark to come here and be her plastic surgeon, but she hadn't realised how awkward it would be, how much it would feel like she was betraying Derek.

"Good now, lets talk reconstruction surgery options. Oh, and you can get dressed by the way."

As Mark talked to her about her options and which one he'd advise, Meredith couldn't help but wish for Derek to be there. He had been with her to every single of her doctor's appointments but this one. She couldn't fault him for not being there, it was hard enough for him to have Mark around again. Yet, maybe if he were here, she wouldn't feel as scared and overwhelmed as she did.

They hadn't done this in forever, sitting and having lunch all five of them together. Meredith chewed on her sandwich. Two more days. It was almost time. It was going to be very real very soon. Had so much time passed already, had she really found the lump a month ago? It seemed like ages ago when the biggest problem in her life had been that she couldn't get over Derek while she watched him work on his marriage. The day after tomorrow, the real fight would begin. Well, truly the real fight would begin shortly afterwards when the chemo would start but the mastectomy was the begin in her fight against cancer.

"So, word in the hallways is McSteamy showed up and vanished into an exam room with you for over an hour." Izzie said smiling.

"Oh?" Meredith disinterested.

"Yeah, apparently one of the nurses tried to listen at the door until Nurse Tyler saw her. I think he and Nurse Debbie still aren't finished lecturing her." George added.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Alex confirmed.

"I wish I'd knew why everyone is so damn interested in my life."

"Are you kidding me Mer, we all love watching the Meredith Grey Show. And to think I almost didn't come to Seattle for my internship."

"I hate you all."

"We hate you too."

"Now that we discussed that we all hate each other, have you heard that McDreamy and McSteamy rode the elevator together this morning? And they didn't get into a fight. When they got of McDreamy just told McSteamy to have a nurse page you and walked away."

"No yelling?"Cristina sounded disappointed. "I was looking forward to a good fight."

"There will be no fighting." Meredith didn't leave any room for discussion. God, everything just seemed so... unimportant. Who cared for gossip or feuds or anything like that really when you were going to be cut open in just two days and then had to under go one of the most challenging medical treatments that existed. Surgeons fixed things by cutting them open and removing them, or repairing whatever was broken. For surgeons, cancer was like any other tumour: open, remove, close. They rarely ever had to inform patients that they had cancer and even less often did they follow up on patients after they removed the cancerous cells. It was a entirely different experience as a patient. Meredith had never had a major health scare and when her Mum had been diagnosed she had been running around in Europe with Sadie. From the first time she had felt the lump and the incredible fear that had immediately settled in her stomach, the tense period of waiting, the devastating confirmation of her diagnosis, the having to tell everyone but of course also the incredible support her "family" and Derek. Derek. She hadn't seem him all morning which meant he was either avoiding her or was just hiding in general. With what happened yesterday, Meredith wasn't certain of course, but she doubted he would avoid just her. It was much more likely that he hid from the whole hospital. She had hoped she had been able to offer him some comfort but when she had left him in the on call room yesterday he still had been upset. If she were honest, so was she. She yearned to be back in his arms in the privacy of the on-call room where just for a short while she had felt safe.

"Mer?" Cristina's voice pulled her out of her musings. "Where did you go?"

"Just thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" Meredith raised her eyebrows almost unnoticeable, hoping Cristina would get the message she didn't want to discuss it in public.

"I want to go out party tonight." she said instead. It was supposed to be a distraction but after she said it, Mer realized how much she actually wanted that. It was her last chance for the next few months at least, to just let go and do what normal people did. For one last night she wanted to go out with her friends, not be responsible adults but to let go. Day after day, for the better part of the rest of their lives, they held literally other people's lives in their hands. And Meredith needed to forget that she, too would be one of those other people the day after tomorrow, her life in surgeons hands.

"I'm in." Cristina nodded and Meredith knew it was her not only agreeing to the night out but also to let the subject drop. At least for now. The other Interns agreed as well.

"Ready to go?" Meredith tried to smooth her slightly wrinkly shirt. She watched as Izzie finished her make-up.

"Yep."

"Alright then. Cristina, George and Alex are already at Joe's." Both Izzie and Mer had been scrubbed in a surgery with Bailey and Dr. Nelson, one of the surgeons in Derek's department, that had run late. They walked over together. It never stopped to amuse Meredith that there was a bar right across the parking lot of Seattle's major hospital. What did that say about its doctors and other staff?

"Finally." Cristina yelled when they walked in. Meredith laughed a bit. The three had already started to drink, and judging by the many empty glasses, she and Izzie had quite a lot of catching up to do.

"Sorry, surgery ran late."

"He made it?"

"Yeah, barely, but he did. I hope he makes it through the night. God, he looked like someone put his bowels in a blender."

"No more depressing talk." George ordered?". "Go, get Tequila."

Meredith laughed "Anyone else want a drink? Izzie?"

"Oh yeah, daiquiri for me please." Meredith nodded and went to the bar.

"Hey Joe."

"Mer." the barkeeper smiled. "How you're holding up?"

"Tequila please. And a beer and a daiquiri." Meredith sighed as she watched Joe mix the cocktail. "Do you have a time machine, Joe?"

He laughed at her openly. "No. Past or Future?"

"I don't know. Past I guess, beginning of my intern year sounds good, the night of the mixer."

"What did McDreamy do?"

"Nothing, Joe, nothing." she shot back the Tequila. "Thanks." she grabbed the drinks. A man sitting at the bar, holding onto a glass of Scotch caught her eye. Deciding that Izzie could wait a moment longer for her daiquiri, she walked over.

"What are you doing here? Waiting for Addison again?"

He laughed "Haven't seen her all day. Haven't seen Derek either since this morning."

"So you what? Have been here since after you examined me?"

"No, Chief Webber had me look over a few files for a while."

"Do you want to sit with us?"

"Why, Meredith Grey..."

Meredith grimaced."There will be a few rules. First no flirting with me. Two, you have to leave your gloomy thoughts here, we're trying to have fun."

"No flirting?"

"Absolutely no flirting."

"You're no fun."

"Take it or stay here lonely and miserable."

"I guess so." Mark grabbed his drink and followed her.

"Guys, Mark is sitting with us tonight."

"_Mark_ is sitting with us? I thought you weren't..." Cristina raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not. He looked so miserable, I just had to."

"You just had to?"

Meredith shrugged. "Whatever."

The evening proved to be much more fun than Meredith could have imagined when she had suggested it at lunch. Once Mark had shaken his gloom he turned out to be surprisingly funny and entertained them the whole night. Meredith giggled at a story George was telling as Mark's phone rang. She could see him tense as he picked up.

"Yes?" she watched him hang up with a confused expression. "He forgives me?"

"What?" Meredith asked.

"Derek. He said he forgives me and then he hung up. He... I think he was drunk."

"Derek was drunk?" Derek didn't get drunk. Yes, he had the occasional drink but for him to get drunk something seriously bad had to have happened? She had seen him just briefly and he appeared distracted, naturally with Mark in town. How she wished to be at his side. How long could they go on like they did, dancing on the line between right and wrong. How long until they would break and cross over? Was it the guilt over yesterday that had made him drink tonight? Was that why he had forgiven Mark, because he was slowly learning that sometimes, despite your best intentions, you crossed the line?

**This is the end for today, see y'all next Friday :-) Please leave a review.**


	18. The Day Before The Day

**A/N I apologize for the delay, but real life got in the way and then I got distracted by the opening ceremony for the Olympics yesterday.**

**Like always, thank you all for reading and reviewing.**

Meredith went to work with an uneasy feeling in her stomach and a headache. Granted, some of it might be because of the Tequila she had consumed yesterday, but mostly it was... the day before the day. Last night she had been able to let go and almost been able to forget. In the routine of her every-day life, it was much harder not to think about it. It had been decided, in conference with Chief Webber and her treating physicians that she wouldn't return for 6 weeks after her surgery and even then only on a light schedule for another two weeks depending on how well her wounds healt. During her chemotherapy it would depend on how well she felt, but by recommendation of her doctors, Chief Webber had given permission for her to keep working on a lighter schedule if necessary. Even though she would return, today was her last day of work. She had only been a surgical intern for a few months but already she had caught the bug all surgeons suffered from, the inability to stop cutting. Already, she was restless at the prospect of not being in an OR for the next two months. Meredith only hoped she would get at least one good surgery today. Something Neuro would be great, something General would be okay but even Ortho would do as long as she could get into an OR.

"Good Morning." she greeted her fellow Interns. They had had a good time yesterday together, they often went out but so often it was just her and Cristina or just the girls, but they almost never sat all together especially after the thing with George. In some weird way, her cancer had a good side. It made them rally together, more so than ever before.

"You're off to lala-land again?"

"Huh?"

"You went somewhere again, Mer, you okay?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah, just thinking about last night." Cristina had went home earlier than the rest of them.

"Oh yes...?"

Meredith laughed. "I went home with Iz. George hooked up with Callie again and Alex picked up the cute new nurse from Peds."

"And McSteamy?"

"I don't know, he left shortly after you."

"Yang – Cardio, O'Malley, you're with Dr. Nelson, Karev, find Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, Stevens – Plastics, Grey – pit."

"Pit?" Meredith groaned.

"You have a serious operation tomorrow. No matter how professional you are, I expect you, to a certain extend at least, to be distracted. That's why you're in the pit." Meredith nodded. She understood Bailey's reasoning, although selfishly she wanted to be in an OR.

Working in the pit was tedious, boring as hell and not what Mer wanted to do on her last day of work. She wished Derek was there, but it was the second day in a row he hadn't found her to say hi and check up on her. Did he regret what happened so bad that he could not bring himself to support her?

"Did you hear?" Meredith jumped. "Whoa, didn't mean to scare you."

"Alex" she scolded. "Don't do that."

"Yeah, yeah. Did you hear?"

"Did I hear what?"

"Shepherd kicked the She-Shepherd out of his house last night and called in sick today?"

"You're kidding. Where did you hear that?" Derek had kicked Addison out? Meredith had no idea what could Derek make snap like that, even when he had found Addison with Mark in his bed, it had been him leaving.

"I heard her tell Dr. Sloan about it and that _he knows everything now_."

"Mark is in the hospital? And what does it mean, he knows everything now?"

"Hey, I'm just telling you what I overheard. I thought you might know more, you and Shepherd have been getting close."

"Not that close." Derek had learned something about Addison and Mark yesterday that made him kick her out but forgive Mark. So far, he had held onto his grudge against Mark but had tried to forgive Addison.

"She ah... also said something about your perfume and his clothes." Alex said carefully.

"I don't wear perfume, it messes with my sense of smell at work."

"Are you sure there's nothing..."

"I don't know what she thinks she smelt, but I can assure you..." Alex was shaking his head slightly.

"Dr. Grey." Meredith closed her eyes, before turning around.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." There was a almost unnoticeable hesitation before Meredith decided to add Derek's name as well. Derek after all had kicked her out and must have had a very good reason. She was sure Addison had noticed by the way her eyes flared for a moment, before dulling again.

"Have you seen my husband?" Meredith winced, she knew Alex was listening and she was almost sure everyone else around was listening too.

"I haven't talked to him or even seen him around in the last few days." Meredith said stiffly. You didn't have to be a genius to figure out what Addison was trying to do.

"Really, I would have thought he'd go to you as soon as I left yesterday." And there it was. Addison was setting her up as the homewrecker, as the reason why her marriage failed.

"Like I said, I haven't talked to him in a while." Whispers of homewrecker followed her the whole day and when Bailey sent her finally home early Meredith didn't know whether to feel angry or burst into tears. She had endured the whispers before when Addison had first showed up and news of her relationship with Derek had first come out. She had faced the rumours lately with her head held high because there was nothing she was guilty of but depending on Derek in troubled times. Well, there was almost nothing she was guilty of. She had done nothing wrong this time. She wasn't a homewrecker. Whatever had happened between Addison and Derek hadn't been her fault and Addison knew that, yet she was not able to shut up that little voice in her head that she indeed had wrecked the Shepherds home.

"What are you doing here?" a familiar voice asked from behind her.

"Shouldn't I ask you that, after all it was I who showed you this spot."

"I come here often. It is peaceful, by the water with the ferryboats. It helps me to think."

"I know, that's why I come here. I thought you bought the 40 acres out on Bainbridge to think?"

"Yeah, that was working a lot better when Addison wasn't shrieking about everything."

"I guess so."

"So what are you doing here? I would think you'd be out having fun the night before the surgery."

"We did a big bash last night. Stayed until Joe's kicked us out."

"And tonight you just needed calm?"

"Exactly. Tomorrow by this time, I will lie in a hospital bed, hopefully high on pain meds after my surgery."

"Yeah..."

"Do you sometimes wonder where the time went? 8 months ago I bailed from the intern mixer just to pick up a cute guy in a bar."

"Meredith..." but she just continued as if she hadn't heard him

"6 months ago, I thought all came crashing down when his wife showed up. Then, two months ago I held a bomb and all I could think about was how I couldn't remember the last time we kissed. And I thought this is it, I must have reached the lowest of the low, but no, a month ago I find out I have cancer. And tomorrow everything will change again and I will forever be visibly marked. Do you ever ask yourself why me? Do you ever want to go back in time and change things? Do things over?" she asked, still not looking at her companion. She had trouble looking at him ever since the on call room. He gave no indication as to what had happened with Addison the night before, and as curious as Meredith was she wasn't about to ask him.

"All the time."

"Really?"

"Really."

"What would you change?"

He sighed next to her. "Many things, but then again probably nothing at all, aren't we where we are supposed to be? If we went into the past to change things, who says we'd change things for the better, who says we aren't messing with destiny?"

"Huh? Worse than what it is now?"

"Yeah, worse than it is now. Ever heard of the butterfly effect, Meredith."

"The butterfly effect, really?"

"Yes. One minor change at one point in time results in major changes further down the line."

"Like what?"

"Well... if I had forgotten my keys that night, I would have been home later, meaning I wouldn't have caught Addison and Mark in bed, I would still be married and have no reason to come to Seattle, the two of us would never have met and..." he was clearly looking for something to finish it with.

"I don't see it. You'd still be in New York with your family, you'd still have your brother... wouldn't you be happier if you'd never found out?" she could feel his eyes on her. Wouldn't she have been happier if Derek had never come to Seattle? He wouldn't have broken her heart. Living without a broken heart was just a faint memory, almost forgotten to her. People wouldn't talk about her. She could still do her thing of working, drinking and having sex without feeling like crap because once the alcohol wore off and often before they never measured up. No one could replace Derek. No matter how hard she tried to forget, no matter how hard she had tried to recreate that feeling.

"No, definitely not. It would have been easier, more comfortable. Seattle fits me like New York never did only I never knew because all my ambitions were Manhattan. When I came out here, despite everything, when I bought the land and the trailer, I just felt free. I had forgotten what that felt like. And it's good I came out here, that I met you."

"It is?" she was sure he could hear the doubt in her voice.

"It is." he confirmed. "Take... Katie Bryce for example. She'd most likely be dead if I hadn't come out here."

"May I point out that it was me and Cristina who figured out what was wrong with her."

"Yes it was. But if I hadn't come out here, I doubt you would have gotten the chance to figure it out. I took quite a gamble when I admitted I had no idea what was going on and sent you all looking. And Katie Bryce would be dead. For all we know she will discover the cure for HIV or something..."

"Really, Derek? Katie Bryce curing HIV?" he laughed with her.

"Okay, I admit that it's a long shot. But what I am trying to say is, we don't really know what will change."

"So what you're saying is, even if it were possible you wouldn't change anything because you're scared of the consequences?"

"I didn't say that."

"So you would change something?"

"What would you change?"

"I don't know." They sat in silence, watching the ferryboats.

"I wouldn't have left you. If I could go back in time, if I could tell myself something: with what I know now, I'd tell me to not leave you, to sign the papers right away."

"Derek..." she sighed.

"Do you remember when you first took me here? It was after Bailey caught us in my car in your driveway and you decided that I am worth it, the stigma of dating your boss."

"Yes." Had he been worth it? Granted, the time she had spent with him had been amazing and even now she found the greatest comfort in his arms, wrong as it was. He had pursued her when he was not free to do so, had convinced her to risk her career and then his wife had showed up. Had the short time of happiness been worth all the pain, the shame, the doubt that had followed.

"I am sorry I was not worth it."

"Derek..."

"No, let me finish." she nodded. "that day, when Addison showed up, I had planned on telling you about her. All her calls made me realize that I could no longer pretend my old life didn't exist, that I had come clean to you. I wish I had handled things differently, if I had known then what I know now... the decision would have been so easy." He cupped her cheek with his hand.

"I don't understand." Derek smiled at her sadly.

"I know. What I am trying to say is I am sorry for all the pain I caused you and I..." he smiled at her slightly "I wanted to tell you for so long, it was never right but I love you."

"No." Meredith shook her head in denial. This couldn't be true, he couldn't love her. He was married and he had left her, so how could he love her? It was wrong.

"Yes." he caressed her cheek so tenderly Meredith felt tears spring into her eyes. "I love you." he sounded almost giddy as if he didn't believe it himself. "I should have told you long ago. I am free Meredith, I signed the papers today." Then his lips were on hers, moving softly. Instinctively she reacted, pressing her body closer to his. He pulled her closer until she was almost sitting in his lap. Her head tilted as his lips moved to her neck and she buried her hands in his hair. It felt so good what he did, that there was no guilt made it even better, but the knot in her stomach refused to go away. He bit her earlobe teasingly. She moaned. She could feel his smile against her skin as his hands roamed over her body. Something was still wrong. Two days ago they had been in an almost similar position and he had pulled back, told her they were better than this and that he wasn't going to make her his mistress, two days ago he had been trying. What had changed that he now loved her?

"Derek..." she pulled back. His eyes was twinkling at her.

"Meredith." he dove back in to kiss her more. Meredith turned her head. She needed answers.

"No. Stop."

"What?" he pulled back from her, dropping his hands. It hurt to see the smile drop from his face. "Meredith." he sounded almost as if in pain. "Am I too late?... yesterday, you and Mark..."

"Huh?"

"When I called Mark, I heard you. Have you..."

"No!" Meredith didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Or slap him.

"Good, 'cause you're mine!" his lips were back on hers with bruising force. He kissed her like never before, marking her as his, as if he was trying to possess her.

"Stop, Derek."

"Why?" His hands were under her shirt, pressing her against him.

"It's wrong."

"Meredith, didn't you hear, I am free, the papers are signed."

"But two days ago they weren't. I don't understand what changed and I can't take it Derek, not tonight. The whole day people were whispering and Addison was encouraging them with her stares." She was wrapped in his arms before she had finished. "Derek, I can't take more."

"Okay." he whispered in her hair. "I'm sorry. Forget I said anything. Just..." his voice trailed of.

"Just what?"

"Just let me hold you tonight?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to be close to you."

"Just holding me?"

"Just holding you."

"Okay."

**Sorry again for the delay. See you all next week. Please leave a review.**


	19. Chasing Cars

**A/N So when I haven't been studying for my resits, I read MerDer fics, I totally blame the beginning of the chapter on that.**

**Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing.**

She woke up to light kisses trailing down her shoulder and his hand running over her body. His erection pressed tight against her ass.

"Hmmm." she moaned quietly as she turned around in his arms. Instinctively their legs shifted, bringing their bodies closer together.

"Good Morning."

"Morning." he nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck. Soon, their clothes disappeared as he happily munched on her. Meredith let her eyes fall shut as he leisurely covered all of her body in kisses. She writhed on the bed, kicking the sheets almost of the bed. He was taking his sweet time worshipping her body, and as good as it felt, she needed more.

"Derek" she sighed as she sunk her hands into his hair. His chuckles vibrated deep within her core as his mouth finally found its way to where she needed it the most.

"Yes." she moaned. Already she was floating on some other plane of existence, but for total ecstasy, she needed more. She needed him. She wanted him "Derek." she pulled his hair. He looked up from where he was lying between her legs, grinning his mouth glistening with her arousal. "Meredith" he replied and her name from his lips sounded like a prayer. Meredith felt a grin spread over her own face. He slides up her body, kissing and nipping at her skin.

"Meredith, are you up, I..." the door to her bedroom opened before Meredith could do more than vaguely register something bad was about to happen. She could feel Derek freeze between her legs.

"Izzie." she screeched.

"Sorry." the blonde stuttered. "I'll just..."

"Out." bellowed Derek.

"Right." the door fell shut behind Izzie.

"Oh god." her face was burning.

"Well, that was a tad awkward." he moved up and pulled her to his chest.

"Just a tad." Meredith hid her face against him. "That destroyed the mood."

She heard him let out a long-suffering sigh. "I guess so. We don't have time anyways."

Meredith stiffened. When she had woken up this morning to Derek's kisses, she hadn't remembered but now it all came back. It had just been a slight unsettled feeling in the back of her mind, now it made her hands shake. Today was the day.

"Hey, hey." She was pulled against him tightly and buried her face in the crook of his neck. He smelled so uniquely Derek and like always his smell made her feel safe and loved.

"Better?"

"Yeah." she sighed. "I don't want to get up."

"I know, but we have to get up soon."

"I should get up and look what Izzie wanted."

"Stay for a little while longer?" His arms tightened around her.

"I have to take a shower."

"We still have a while before we need to leave."

"But I need to talk to Izzie and recheck if I packed everything and..." she was getting antsy. It could have been so nice to cuddle with Derek in bed, but now that she had actually remembered, Meredith couldn't relax.

He sighed in her hair "Okay, go on talk to Izzie. Do you mind if I take a shower first?"

"No, go take a shower. I'll talk to Iz." They got up, but Meredith couldn't help but miss the warmth of his body around hers.

"Hey Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm right here and I'm going to stay." His hand twisted in her hair.

"I..." Meredith started to say, he had been so great about everything but it had been as a friend. Now he was about to be divorced and somehow that changed everything and there was this little doubt lodged in her chest.

"I understand." he pressed a kiss against her temple before leaving the room to shower.

"Izzie?" Meredith walked down the stairs, wrapped in her robe.

"Kitchen."

"Hey."

"Hi." Izzie avoided her eyes.

"What did you want earlier?"

"We had a talk, and I took the morning of to take you to Mercy West until you're in surgery."

"_We _had a talk?"

"Us interns, we thought you shouldn't have to go alone."

"I'm not going alone. Derek is taking me."

"Yeah, I figured _that_ out on my own this morning." Meredith felt heat creep up in her face.

"You could have waited for me to call you in..."

"I didn't expect anyone to be with you, it was quiet last night."

"Izzie!"

"What, you're loud."

"I'm not always loud."

"You so totally are. I guess the rumours are true then?" Meredith tensed.

"Which ones?"

"That he kicked Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd out of his house." it was the most harmless of all rumours and Meredith was glad Izzie seemed to have left the judging behind for now.

"I assume so, I don't know what exactly happened, only that he signed the divorce papers."

"You don't know what happened but you still have sex with him?"

Arms wrapped around her waist from behind and lips press against her neck, successfully interrupting the conversation. "You can go shower now."

"Okay, I'll be upstairs then."

"We need to leave in about an hour to be on time."

"I know."

Meredith stared in the mirror. Her skin was not flawless but she found her breasts relatively nice to look at. It was the last time her chest would look like this, the view she had gotten used to over the last decade. Her hands rose up to touch her breast hesitantly. In a few hours, the breast with the tumour would be gone and instead there would be _something_, pretending to be a breast covered with scars.

"Meredith." there was a knock on the door. "Are you ready? We need to leave in a few."

How would it feel like with a reconstructed breast? Her chest surely would look off, with the scars and not even having a nipple any longer. Would she still be able to feel things? Mark had explained that she would loose her breast as an erogenous zone because of a loss of nerve endings, but there should be, aside from some blind spots, sensations.

"Meredith!" Would she still feel attractive? Would she still _be_ attractive? "I'm coming in now, Mer."

The door opened. "You still aren't dressed?"

"They are going to remove my breast." She was still fixated on the image in the mirror in front of her.

"Yes they will." he told her evenly as he stepped behind her. "You knew that would happen."

"It feels different now. It will happen today, in just a few hours."

"It doesn't change anything." he dropped a kiss on her shoulder as he engulfed her in his arms.

"It changes everything."

"You need to get dressed."

She ignored him. "I am scared, Derek."

"I know. Me too, Mer."

"What are you scared of?"

"Losing you. You?"

"Everything."

"It all will be okay."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. It just has to be!" Meredith felt the soft cotton of her t-shirt against her hands as Derek gently closed her fingers around it. "You need to get dressed. We have to go." She closed her eyes, swallowing down the lump in her throat.

"I know."

"I'll be downstairs waiting. Do you want Izzie to come with us since she took the time off?"

"No. Just you."

"I tell her."

"Thank you."

The car ride was silent. Meredith leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes. Much too soon Derek shook her awake.

"Time to wake up."

"I don't want to."

"It's not a choice."

"It could be."

"No, it's not."

"I just don't understand why it's always me."

"Hey, hey, I know you're afraid and feel like your life is crap and you want to give up, but there is so much still left for you to do. So many lives to be saved by you. Do you have any idea how many lives you've touched. All the interns, me, we all need you."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay let's go and do this. The sooner I'm under, the sooner it's over and I can stop freaking out."

They walked into the hospital hand in hand. Mercy West looked different from Seattle Grace, for once Seattle Grace was bigger, but also considerably better off. Still, her surgeons were good, world-class even with Mark here. She was admitted fast and changed in her hospital gown. As soon as she lay down, Derek slipped into the bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her. Meredith raised her eyebrow.

"It'll be a while until I can hold you again after the surgery." he said sheepishly. "I can get up if it's making uncomfortable."

"No, it's nice."

"Good." he smiled down at her.

The door opened and Dr. Cox walked in, followed by a flock of what must be interns.

"Good Morning Meredith, Derek."

"Good Morning, Dr. Cox." Meredith replied. She grabbed onto Derek's hand tight.

"Meredith Grey, 32, in for mastectomy and breast reconstruction." an dark skinned intern said.

"Meredith, this is Dr. Avery, he will prep you for surgery." She had never realized how impersonal this was from the other side. In the back, two interns were whispering with each other, and Dr. Cox had barely looked at her.

"Do you have any more questions before the surgery?" Meredith shook her head.

"Okay then, I'll see you in a few hours."

"I will have to draw some blood for a last round of labs before we can get you into surgery." Meredith hissed in pain and pressed her eyes together tightly when the needle broke the skin.

"Hey, look at me Mer" Derek gently turned her head towards him. "it's just a needle."

"I hate needles!"

"I know."

"It's not funny."

"It kinda is, you're a doctor."

"I don't mind putting needles in other people, I just don't like when it's done to me. Who would, other than masochists."

"It's not that painful."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Ye... Ha, not falling for it. You changed your answer first." He nuzzled her hair. "When does Mark come in?"

"In about an hour, I think. He still has to sign a few forms so he can operate at Mercy West, and then we're all ready to go. I just want this to be over with."

"I know. It will be soon."

"And then for the rest of my life... God I hate this. I hate cancer, I hate that I am so whiny. I mean people loose limbs all the time and I make a fucking big deal about my fucking breast when it's not even a vital organ."

"I understand."

"You do?" Meredith seriously doubted he did.

"I do. And Mer, I am not leaving, nothing is going to change."

"I want to believe you but..."

"You can't."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's my fault you can't trust me."

"Good Morning again. Miss Grey, the OR is ready for you. I have a pill here you'll have to take before we can move you." How many patients had she prepped for surgery? Just another day on the job. Meredith swallowed the pill. Patients reacted differently to it. Some it almost knocked out, some had barely a reaction at all.

"I guess its time then.." Derek whispered in her hair. She looked up to him, she might be wrong but his eyes looked a little glassy. "I'll be waiting for you here."

"You don't have to. I'm sure you have patients..."

"Do you really think I could concentrate with you lying on the table?"

"I wouldn't know." he sighed in hair. Meredith felt guilty. He was so good to her, but it was so different now that he was free again. There was nothing to stop them anymore from returning to what they used to be and that scared Meredith almost as much as the operation did.

"I see you afterwards." He cupped her cheek and tilted her head back. His lips were soft on hers. All too soon for her he broke the kiss and climbed of the bed. "Don't be scared."

"Okay, Miss Grey, we need to go now." Dr. Avery was back. Meredith closed her eyes tightly as he rolled the bed towards the OR. Her stomach was churning.

"Miss Grey, when we're in the OR..."

"I'm an Intern myself. I don't care, just do it. I am trying to go to my happy place here."

"Surgical?" Meredith threw him an annoyed look.

"Yes, Dr. Avery. Now remember, happy place." She closed her eyes again. Tried to remember the feeling of Derek lips on hers, the feeling of his hands on her skin, his weight on top of her. Slowly she relaxed and the knot in her stomach loosened. Vaguely she realised that the pill was working, for when she opened her eyes again, everything was somewhat fuzzy. Mark was standing over her, as did a woman she knew was the anaesthesiologist. A mask was placed on her face.

"Count down from 10 for me please."

"ten..." her surroundings slipped in and out of focus. "nine..." calm settled over her. "eight..." Meredith felt her eyes shut "Sev'n..."

**please leave a review!**


	20. Running Up That Hill

**A/N I sincerely apologize for not updating last week but I moved last Friday and it took longer than expected. And then, Derek was being stubborn and refused to share... Of course than there where to original ideas and fanfic ideas that wouldn't leave me alone either...**

**Thanks to everyone who read (and reviewed!) the last chapter.**

The waiting room at Mercy West was 60 paces long, it had 80 chairs, 13 windows, four alarm buttons for the fire alarm and Derek had already forgotten how many tiles the ceiling had. He looked at his watch. 30 minutes. It would be at least another 4 hours before Meredith would come out of surgery. He had paperwork with him, but alone the thought of sitting down made him twitch. He needed to keep moving, how he would keep it up for the next four hours he had no idea. It hadn't even been an hour yet and already two nurses had come by to ask him if he was okay. He was not okay, his girl was lying on a table somewhere and cut open. There was nothing okay with that.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Derek whirled around.

"Dr. Stevens!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"What are you doing here?"

"I made muffins." the blonde doctor showed him a basket.

"Muffins." she made muffins? Her friend was being cut open and she made muffins.

"I... it's how I deal with things. I make bake. I laugh at funerals. Not that there is going to be a funeral but..."  
"I see rambling is catching?"

"Do you want a muffin? You didn't eat breakfast. Mer didn't either but she wasn't allowed, but you should eat."

"No thank you, I am good."

"Right okay then..."

Derek rubbed his face tiredly. It was obvious the other doctor didn't want to leave. "You want to stay here and wait with me until you have to go to work?"

"If you don't mind."

Yes I do, he wanted to say, but Meredith would like to have her family here. He sat down next to her. How much slower could the time pass, the first hour had barely passed.

"May I ask you a question?" Izzie asked him after a long silence.

"Yes, I may not answer but you may ask."

"What are you doing here?"

"I am waiting for Meredith to get out of surgery."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant, and the answer remains the same. I am waiting for Meredith to get out of surgery."

"But why?"

"Because it's Meredith. There is nowhere else I could be today but here."

"You can't hurt her. Not with everything that is going on now."

"Believe me or not, but it was never my intention to hurt Meredith, not now, not ever."

"What about..."

"Whatever it is, Dr. Stevens, it is between me and Meredith."

"But..."

"I meant it, with every thing that is going on and with everyone having an opinion at Seattle Grace, don't you think Meredith and I deserve some privacy?"

"I guess."

"Thank you."

"May I ask another question? It is about something different."

"Yes." Derek sighed.

"What do you do when you're in too deep?"

"I'm sorry?"

"What if you're in love and you know you're not supposed to but you can't stop it."

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On the person you're in love with. Does he love you too, is it worth the consequences, hell figure out was the consequences are. Is it only you getting hurt, are there other people concerned?"

"What about if I..."

"I am still your boss, Dr. Stevens. I am not your friend." Derek got up and started pacing again. Had his watch stopped working? Only another fifteen minutes had passed. His cell rang.

"Richard?"

"_I need you to do a consult on a VIP patient."_

"I am not working today." He had taken this day of on purpose. Did Richard never listen? Even if Meredith hadn't wanted him here, he would not have operated.

"_I know you have the day off, but I would consider it a personal favour if you could come in any ways."_

"Meredith's mastectomy is today, Richard."

"_Oh."_

"Yes, oh."

"_I completely forgot."_

"I see."

"_What are you doing, Derek? Your wife..."_

"That's none of your business. For the record, though, I no longer have a wife, the papers are signed." Derek ended the call. It wasn't done, just hanging up on your boss, but Richard was grating on his last nerve today. Of course, had it been any other day Derek would have gladly come into work, as long as he wouldn't have to spent his time thinking."

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Yes, Dr. Stevens."

"I have to go to work now, will you be alright?"

"Of course!"

"We split our shifts with Bailey's permission today so that one of us will always be here. Alex will come here once I clocked in if that's okay with you."

"This is a public hospital, it's not like I can forbid anyone coming here." If Derek was honest, Alex Karev was the intern, aside from Meredith of course, Derek was the most comfortable with currently. Izzie was always too bubbly and had trouble not crossing the line, George had slept with Meredith and Cristina... Derek respected Cristina for what she was, an incredible friend to Meredith, but she was a bitch.

* * *

"Oh man, Izzie made muffins." Karev sat down on the chair next to his. "Do you want one, they're really good."

"I'm good, thanks." Derek looked at his watch again. Just short of two hours. Within the next hour or so, if everything went as it should, the mastectomy should be finished and Mark would take over for the reconstruction.

"So..."

"So?"

"You and Mer, huh?"

"What about me and Mer?"

"Izzie told me what she walked into this morning." Derek grimaced.

"Did she?"

"Look, I am not going to tell you not to do it or give you along speech, I am sure Cristina is going to do that and she'll be far scarier than I could ever hope to be."

Derek laughed "Yeah."

"But she's fighting for her life and you have to be sure this is what you want. She won't be able to take it if you change your mind about being with her and walk out on her again."

"I know, Karev."  
"Alright then." the intern grabbed another muffin "You sure you don't want a muffin? They're really good."

"I'm not hungry."

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. O'Malley."

"Any word yet?"

"No. It will still be a while."

"How long have they estimated?"

"About five hours."

"It's now been what? Two hours? Three?"

"Three and a half."

"Do you think everything is okay?" Derek could feel the younger man fidget in the chair. "I mean it should be unless she has a reaction to the anaesthesia, right."

"Dr. O'Malley, do you mind? I am trying very hard here not to think about possible complications."

"Yes, of course." They were silent.

"You used her."

"Excuse me?"

"When we first found out, you told me you weren't using her, but you did."

"No I didn't."

"You have a wife but were sleeping with Meredith. What would you call it? Meredith is amazing and..."

"You think Meredith is so amazing that you spent weeks not talking to her and even moved out and only changed after you found out she has cancer."

"You don't understand, I..."

"Oh, I know."

"You what?"

"She never meant to hurt you. She apologized so often. You were supposed to be the good guy that never hurts her."

"She hurt me! And she told you!"

"Of course she told me. We're friends. If she had meant anything at all to you, you wouldn't have gone after her."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. You hurt her as much as she hurt you."

"I need to go."

Derek bit his lip to stop himself from saying more to the fidgeting intern. "Then go."

* * *

"McAss."

"Yang." Derek sighed. "Do you have to say something too? Tell me to treat her right, to not hurt her? Because I already heard it all from Dr.'s Stevens, Karev and O'Malley."

"I know that in your own twisted way you were trying to be a good man and maybe Meredith is right and deciding to give your wife a second chance makes you a good man. I personally think that's a whole load of crap by someone who had an affair which blew up in his face when the wife showed up."

"I love Meredith!" Derek protested weakly.

"Whatever. It's Meredith business if she wants to be with you again. But I warn you, hurt her again and I'll castrate you without anaesthesia and feed you your balls." Derek winced. He wouldn't put it past Cristina to pull it off, she scared him a little bit, just like Bailey did only in a much more violent way.

"Right now I am nothing more but her friend." the younger woman's snort told him exactly what she thought of that.

"That's the reason you had your head between her legs this morning?" Derek flushed bright red . It had been embarrassing to be caught by Dr. Stevens this morning, but to have her tell others about it and then having Dr. Yang refer to it so casually... "What are we calling it these days?"

"I was merely... appreciating" Derek said forced. "Where exactly did Dr. Stevens tell you guys about this?"

"Oh, in the hospital. Izzie can't keep a secret to safe her life. It was all the nurses were talking about when I left."

"Great, all I needed. Dr. Stevens just couldn't keep her mouth shut, could she?"

"Hey, they were mostly jealous. I mean what woman doesn't want a man who, what did you call it?, ah yes 'appreciates' first thing in the morning"

"Mr. Shepherd." the dark-skinned intern called out.

"Yes." Derek got up. His heart beat fast in his chest. Meredith operation was over. He could feel Cristina walking next to him. Oh please, let everything be alright.

"Miss Grey is in recovery now. Everything went well and she should be awake soon. If you want to, I can take you to her." Derek released a breath he didn't know he had held.

"Go on, McDreamy. I call the others and let them know." Cristina told him surprisingly friendly.

"Thank you." he smiled briefly before following Dr. Avery. Meredith would be okay, the first step had gone of without any complications.

**Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.**


	21. Cradled In Love

**A/N Derek forgot to take his medicine and his dreaminess got a bit out of hand as a result :P**

Everything hurt. Her chest. Her throat. Her head. Pain was the first thing Meredith was aware of when she woke up. Her stomach churned and she felt nauseous. She sighed.

"Hey." Suddenly a presence was looming over her, stroking her cheek. "You're in the hospital. They brought you down from recovery an hour ago. You were awake and we talked a bit before you fell asleep again." She had already talked to him? She didn't remember anything past him kissing her right before her surgery. Meredith forced her eyes open and stared right into his blue eyes.

"Hey." her voice was hoarse.

"Do you want some ice-chips for your throat? The nurse left some here during her last round."

"I need to sit up." Derek nodded and tilted the bed further before handing her an ice-chip. The cold felt good in her mouth at first, but when it trickled down her throat her stomach clenched. Desperately she tried to calm her stomach, but it wouldn't be held back. "Derek." god, she was going to throw up. His arms went around her back as she tried to sit up. Meredith choked and then the bile was all over his shirt. Her throat burnt and her incisions throbbed. Some of it must have gotten in her nose, as it burnt as well.

"Sorry." she choked out as she started to cry. She had just thrown up own him was there anything more embarrassing in the world. Her chest hurt and even though she had just thrown up she still felt nauseous.

"Sshhh, it's okay, it's just a shirt. Don't worry about it. Just try to take deep breaths." He guided her back so she settled against the pillows again. His hand was running through her hair again in a soothing motion. A moment later a nurse came into the room, he must have pressed the call button.

"Hi, she just threw up, so we need some water for her to rinse out her mouth, and … Mer are you still nauseous?" Meredith nodded weakly. She still felt tired from the anaesthesia. Her body shook from her crying and it made everything so much worse. The throbbing in her chest intensified. "Do you want something against it?"

"Yes please."

"You heard her, lets get her something against the nausea. 25mg Promethazine should do. Oh and if you could find me a clean scrub shirt, that would be great."

"I have to get a doctor for the medication."

"I know, so go." The nurse left the room in a hurry.

"Sorry" she apologised again.

"It's okay, you couldn't help it." Derek vanished for a moment as he walked into the bathroom. She felt unsettled when she could no longer see him. He came out with a wet washcloth. He leaned over her.

"Urgh."

"What?"

"The smell." A moment later he was standing over her again, only this time he was bare-chested.

"Admit you only threw up on me, so I would be your naked nurse." he joked as he wiped her face, first her tears, then the snot and bile that encrusted the lower part of her face. Her chest would be covered in scars and she would loose her hair at least for some time, why should she care that he'd never find her sexy again after he wiped her face of snot and bile. She was too tired to care about that right now.

"You're not naked." her hand rose up on its own, running over his chest, teasingly pulling on his chest hair. His skin was warm under her hand. The cool wash cloth felt amazing on her face.

"I am as naked as I can be here. This isn't Grace, you know. But once we're home I'm going to be your naked nurse." he wiggled his eyebrows and Meredith giggled, but that made her chest hurt worse, so she stopped again.

"Naked-naked?"

"Naked-naked."

"Good." she yawned. He wrapped his hand around hers as he leaned against the bed.

"If you're tired, you should sleep. The operation you had, it takes a lot out of you. You need your strength." She hesitated. Sleep sounded wonderful but he was here, he had stepped up and he had stayed like he had promised. The first thing she had seen when waking up was him. It felt wonderful to be this important to him. "I'll be here until they kick me out. I'll wake you up then, because they're going to drag me out of here kicking and screaming." He leaned in.

"No kissing. I just threw up."

"I don't care." he brushed his lips against hers softly. Quick, like a habit, like they were going to do it for the rest of their lives. For some reason it made Meredith want to cry again.

"Miss Grey. The nurse told me you asked for medication for your nausea." a bubbly red-haired intern walked into the room.

"We asked for 25mg Promethazine Dr..." Derek's voice trailed of.

"Kepner" the intern smiled brightly at Derek. Meredith didn't miss how the interns eyes lingered on Derek's bare chest. "25mg is an awfully high dose, we usually prefer to use droperidol injections, Mr..."

"Dr. Shepherd."

"The neurosurgeon?"

"Yes, but..."

"I read your article about the guy with the nails in his head."

"Dr. Kepner, I am here with a patient, not to talk to you about my work. Now how about you do yours and get the Promethazine."

"Like I said, Sir, we usually use droperidol injections unless there is an allergy."

"And I said we use Promethazine as droperidol has too many unwanted side effects."

"I'll have to talk to my resident."

"Then do that, and hurry up please, we didn't ask for the medication just for fun." The doctor hurried out of the room.

"Stupid Interns."

"I am an intern, you know." Meredith said tiredly.

"Yeah but you're my Intern. Besides, Bailey's your resident. I know she's complaining a lot about her pariahs, but the truth is the five of you are some of the best interns I have ever seen."

"We are?"

"You can't ever tell anyone I told you that, especially not the others, but yes. Why do you think the head of all departments always request you for themselves and pawn the other interns of to their attendings?"  
"I never thought about that."

"I know. You never see how extraordinary you really are." he leaned in again, his lips hoovering over hers.

"I got the Promethazine" a bright voice interrupted their tender moment. Meredith wanted to slap Dr. Kepner, she made Derek take a few steps back and let go of her. She watched the intern tie her arm of with the turniquet and clean the inside of her elbow with alcoholic wipes.

"What are you doing?"

"I am giving an IV-push Promethazine."

"You don't give Promethazine as an IV-push. Either give it intramuscular or put it in her IV."

"What's wrong with an IV-push? It causes almost instant nausea relief."

"And with Promethazine it carries a high risk of gangrene if you even make the slightest mistake and the medication comes into contact with arterial blood or you inject it too fast into the vein."

"I don't make mistakes."

"Everyone makes mistakes. Taking such a risk, against FDA advice even is foolish."

"Can I just get the damn medicine." Meredith groaned. They were giving her a headache and her arm was starting to hurt.

"Look, Dr. Kepner, she already has a IV line. Dilute it and give it to her threw the IV or give it to her intramuscular, but for godness sake take of the turniquet, the arm needs blood." Derek walked over and loosened the belt that tied of the blood supply to her arm.

"Yes, Sir."

"Thank you."

"I think she's going to hide in a closet and cry, Derek."

"What?"

"You scared her."  
"If she'd do her job right, I didn't have to scare her. Jesus, Promethazine as IV-push. Where did she study medicine? Where did her resident study medicine? She'd made the slightest mistake and you'd have lost your arm."

"But you were here to look out for me. I didn't even realize." That was probably not the smartest thing to admit after he just praised her medical skills.

"You've just come out of general anaesthesia. You're not supposed to realize stuff like that." Meredith nodded.

"Dr. Shepherd?" a nurse walked into the room with a red scrub shirt in her hand. "I found a clean scrub shirt that you asked you."

"Thank you." Derek slipped the shirt on. "Look a red shirt, like my good looking shirt." he grinned at her.

"You look better in blue scrubs." Meredith yawned. "Brings out your eyes."

"Go to sleep, Mer."he settled in the chair next to her bed, holding her hand as Meredith slowly drifted of to sleep, her body whipped out from the anaesthesia and the general stress of the day. The last thing she felt were his lips brushing over her cheek.


	22. Live and Learn

**A/N So, originally I had Derek very embarrassed about Izzie seeing them and it being all over the hospital, figuring him to be a very porny but private person. But then I remembered... the opening the bedroom door with just a pillow, the kitchen where Lexie caught them, the stairs (I'm with Izzie on this, doesn't that hurt). It resulted in a very different chapter then I originally thought.**

Derek was convinced everyone was staring at him. The nurses had whispered and giggled when he had went and gotten his charts. In addition he was avoiding Richard as well as he could. Whenever the he had the chance, he also tried to keep as much room as possible between himself and Addison but as fate wanted, they had a case together. Her biting and not so subtle remarks were getting on his nerves and were just plain unprofessional but he should have expected it after Meredith had said that Addison egged the gossip on with her behaviour. The looks were driving him crazy, but he wasn't sure if people were really starring or if he was making something big out of nothing. He was alone with Cristina Yang in the elevator, a chance he couldn't pass up.

"Dr. Yang."

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Am I imagining things or is everyone staring at me today?"

"Well, what did you expect after the story of you 'appreciating' Meredith broke yesterday."

Derek winced. "I thought you were joking yesterday."

"No."

"Crap. Meredith can never know."

"You want to keep this a secret from Meredith? You think that's a good idea?"

"Well, she's not in the hospital and won't be for a while. You know how she hates people staring at her and talking about her, now more so than ever."

"She will hate you for keeping yet another secret from her." Ouch, that remark hit bullseye.

"I don't want to, but do you think she would like this?"

The other doctor scoffed. "Of course not, but she won't like being treated like a doll either. There's a fine line between protecting her and being patronizing. She's not fragile."

"I know she's not. She's the strongest person I know, but she's exhausted, emotionally and physically. And yes, I know that a good part of that is my fault." He added when Cristina opened her mouth.

"You do have a point. Just don't lie to her. If it comes up, tell her the truth. If it doesn't come up, don't tell her."

"As I have been once informed, that's a lie by omission." Derek said with a wry smile.

"Yeah, well it's not the same as conveniently forgetting you have a wife. That is known as marital amnesia and generally frowned upon especially with the wives and mistresses."

"The wife had no right to complain and the mistress wasn't a mistress but a girlfriend."

"Semantics." Meredith's person said.

"Truth! She'd be a mistress if I'd been having an affair with her while being with Addison. I left Addison, then I met Meredith and moved on with her. Then I was stupid."

"Fine, have it your way."

"Thank you." Hah! He had won an argument with Cristina Yang.

"Have you talked to Meredith today?"

"I did. Called her this morning. She's up and moving doing her exercises to keep the arm mobile, bitching at the nurses and annoying the interns."

"So in other words, ready to go home?"

"Yeah. If everything works out fine, I can take her home tomorrow. Because of the reconstruction she has to stay one more night for observation."

"She's going to be in a house with five other doctors."

"Five other doctors?" Derek groaned.

"Well, yeah I assume you're going to be there."

"Yes, and when I do the maths I get three doctors with Stevens and O'Malley. Which are all the people living at Meredith's."

"Oh, you didn't know? Alex and I moved ourselves in."

"I feared that when you said five doctors. What does Meredith say about that?"

"She won't notice. Most of the time we'll be working any ways and when we're there we'll just tell her we're hanging out."

"What was that about not lying to Meredith? She won't like that."

"Look, I get it, McDreamy. You're with her now blah, blah, blah, but we're her family. We picked up the pieces when you _were stupid _as you just called it. We watched her self destruct with the boys and the bars. Joe had to up his orders of Tequilla because she drank so much." Derek stared at the silver doors ahead of him. He had hurt Meredith so much. He wished he could take it all back. How had she found the strength to let him back in? She was truly remarkable.

"I am not going to hurt her again." He said quietly, hoping he sounded convincing.

"I don't know. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. You have been warned what will happen if you do, but it's Meredith business to let you in again. What I was going to say was, we're her family. Just because you came swooping in like some knight in shining armour and actually stood by her, doesn't mean we just abandon her."

"I don't want you to abandon her, but do you have to move in? What about Burke? Where will you sleep? I buy that you'd bunk with Izzie but there's no where in hell Karev will willingly share with O'Malley."

"Don't you worry your pretty little head about that, we've got it all worked out."

"If you say so." Derek said doubtfully. That was going to be fun. Instead of living with two interns, there'd be four. He assumed that when Cristina moved in, Burke would be over every once in a while, and if word in the hallways was true so would be a girl from Ortho. As if the house wasn't crowded already. The doors of the elevator opened on the surgical floor.

"Have good day, Dr. Yang."

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Derek." the cold voice of his almost ex-wife had him frozen. Damn it, he had been doing so well avoiding her and now he had no where to go. He was almost sure he could hear Dr. Yang laugh as she walked away. That woman had always appeared to have a mean streak and he had just started to like her a little.  
"Yes, Addison." Derek groaned. Whatever it was, he wasn't in the mood to talk about it.

"You didn't waste any time, did you? The ink on our divorce papers wasn't even dry and you're already back with your Mistress, even doing things." It was quite obvious what she meant when she talked about doing things. It really wasn't something he wanted Addison to know, it wasn't something he wanted anyone but Meredith to know. It wasn't so much that he was ashamed or anything or that he was freaked out by having Stevens see them (although he was pissed she had brought it into their work place), but he wasn't a bad man and Addison didn't need to know details of his private life.

"Is anything you have to say about work?"

"What, nothing to say, not going to fight me on how she was your girlfriend not your mistress?"

"I don't want to fight Addison, hell, I left your trust fund alone just so our divorce could go through faster."

"So in the end, I was just that, the thing you needed to get rid of so you could go screw your mistress."

"Addison, this is neither the time nor the place to talk about this, we are at work. Be professional, if you want to yell at me fine but do it in your own time, and for heaven's sake keep Meredith out of it, she did nothing wrong!"

"Nothing wrong? She is the slutty Intern screwing her married attending. My husband." Addison shrieked.

"Ex-husband. And no, when we met she was just a girl and I was just a guy. Meredith's only mistake was trusting me when I didn't tell her to whole truth about my past. I let her believe I was available and I was the one who did the chasing, even when she rebuffed me time after time because I was just that, her boss. She gave me a chance, we fell in love, then you showed up and that was the end until a few days ago. Meredith and I never slept together once she knew I was married. If you don't want your dirty laundry aired for all to know, you'd do well to leave Meredith alone. Don't think even for one second I don't know you've been egging people on in their gossip. This ends now. You and I are divorced. It's over, done. Move on." He knew people had been listening from the very moment Addison had said his name as he stepped of the elevator. He only hoped they listened closely and that this was the end of him and Meredith in particular as the stars of Seattle Grace Gossip. Would he and Addison ever be able to work civil together again? Not as long as Addison continued to be bitter about their divorce. Really what did she be bitter about? He was the one who should be bitter, she had slept with his brother. He had been absent, whatever but he had kept his vows while she hadn't. How would she treat Meredith once she returned to work? He just wanted this day to be over so he could go see Meredith. It was weird to be in the hospital and not see her around. He kept expecting to see her, with the other interns, in the elevator even though he knew she was at Mercy West in a hospital bed.


	23. If You're Not The One

**A lot of things get talked about in this chapter... I hope you enjoy it, I really liked writing it.**

**The book mentioned is a real book and one of my favourites and yes, I am shamelessly advertising it, she's a young author and this is her first book but she definitely deserves to be up there with the best of them, so if you're still looking for something to read now that the days get colder again (depending on where you are...) give it a try. Advertisement over ;).**

"What are you doing?"

"Reading." Meredith tried to hide the book under her covers but Cristina was faster than her.

"A Widow in Waiting?" her person raised her eyebrows as she turned the book around to read the blurb on the back. "Who killed Alfred de Maine, Lord Farnton? Highwaymen on the backroads of Ireland, as his pretty widow Eleanor claims? One of the traveling folk camped near the tiny village of Glenscar, where Eleanor fled in fear that day? A resident of Glenscar itself, trying to protect the village's hidden power? Or did John Marlowe, the horse-breeder son of Glenscar's squire, kill the lord to win the lady? Eleanor knows the truth, but she also knows the value of a secret. Her own greatest desire, to marry John as soon as her six months of mourning are over, will be obtainable only so long as it remains unknown. Along the way, she must master her magic of moving, untangle her new friends' romantic complications, and use heart and head in tandem to decide which stories to believe. Will love and patience win the day, and Eleanor join hands with John at last? Or will she remain, forever, a Widow in Waiting? Meredith what is this?"

"A book."

"I can see that. Mer, this is a romance fantasy book with magic." Meredith giggled at the face Cristina was making. "Next thing you're telling me you've been reading Harry Potter too and want to watch P.S. I love you with me."

"God no, that's what Izzie is for. And I like the book. No breast cancer there."

"Fine, I give you that."

"How do you know about P.S. I love you?"

"I saw the trailer for it."

"Of course."

"Shut up."

"Do you know that this is the first time I actually have time to read for pleasure since our intern year started?"

"You should read medical journals."

"Makes me too depressed since I can't operate."

"Whatever."

"How is everything back at the hospital?"

"Interesting."

"Interesting? Why?"

"Oh, everyone is busy talking about the Shepherds. The She-Shepherd is bitching about you and McDreamy and McDreamy is ignoring her unless it's work related. Of course, they have a case together. Makes for a very entertaining day."

"Oh..."

"Oh... that's all you have to say."

"What else is there to say..."

"Oh com'on Meredith, Izzie said..."

"What did Izzie say?" Meredith groaned.

"McDreamy stayed the night." Meredith was sure that wasn't all that Izzie said but she wasn't going to start talking about her sex life.

"He did."

"So he's getting a divorce."

"He signed the papers."

"Did she sign?"

"I don't know, I assume so. He said he's free."

"And you just go with it?"

"What do you want from me? Ever since this whole thing started he was there. When I am with him, I am strong. I am not scared or at least not as much as I am without him. It scares the hell out of me to let him in now that he is free, but I need him and he wants to be here."  
"And what if he decides he doesn't want to be here anymore tomorrow or next week or next month?"

"I don't know, Cristina, okay? I don't know what happens then and I don't know if I trust him but I need him and that's all I know right now and it's all I can work with."

"You remember how you walked around like a zombie, drinking too much and the boys and the bars? Penis-guy? George?"

"Hey! Don't go there."

"My point is, he broke you and now it all goes away or what?"

"It doesn't go away, but he's here now and that is what counts. We'll see where it goes. What happened to being my person and not judging?"

"I am not judging, Mer, I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I know. Let's talk about something else. Did you get to scrub in on any cool surgeries today?"

"Oh you wouldn't believe it, this woman came into the ER with classical appendicitis symptoms, abdominal pain, vomitting, fever yadayadayada you get the idea, only absolutely no localized pain on her right side."

"So no appendicitis? Ectopic pregnancy?"

"No, pregnancy test was negative. Took us forever to figure it out, but it was appendicitis only she has situs inversus."

"Her organs are reversed? Awesome, who diagnosed."

"Bailey figured it out, but I was allowed to scrub in. It was so weird, everything was on the wrong side."

"Man, I wish I had been there." They kept chatting for a while before Cristina had to go home.

* * *

"Hey."

"Derek." Meredith smiled. He looked adorable, standing in front of her hospital bed, fidgeting with a bouquet of red tulips in his hand.

"Are those for me?"

"Oh yeah... it's pretty late so the florist didn't have much to choose from anymore, sorry."

"It's okay. No one has ever gotten me flowers before."

"Now I feel really bad, had I known that I had gotten you something more special than tulips."

"I like them. Can you find me a vase for them, I want to put them in water before they spoil?"

"I already stopped at the nurses station to ask for a vase, they'll drop one off in a bit they were busy when I asked."

"Good."

"What are we?"

"What?"

"The nurse asked if the flowers are for my girlfriend and I didn't know what to say. Are you my friend? My girlfriend?"

"I don't know. Are you divorced yet?"

"The papers are signed and filled. It takes a bit for them to be processed though."

"So you're not divorced."

"Technically not yet. But the process can't be reversed any more if that's what you're afraid of. As soon as the papers are processed, Addison and I are legally divorced instead of being separated."

"Then no, I am not your girlfriend. Until you are divorced, we can only be friends."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes, okay. I am not fighting you on this. For one, it won't be long until I am divorced. And two, this goes at your pace. I broke us." He avoided her eyes.

"Lie with me?"

"We are friends that cuddle?"

"Yes." She watched Derek remove his shoes before he climbed into bed next to her. Normally, back in the day when they had been dating, they usually slept spooning or she used his chest as a pillow but neither was a possibility right now and so he was lying on his side, head propped up on his hand watching her. His other hand rested on her hip, the thumb rubbing in lazy circles. It should annoy her how they fell into the easy intimacy, but it was just what she needed.

"Tell me about it."

"About what?"

"About what changed. One day you were trying, hated Mark and then suddenly you forgave him and are getting a divorce." He was silent.

"You don't have to tell me."

"Yes I do. I just don't know where to start."

"The beginning is usually a good place." she quipped.  
"Funny. I am trying to figure out where the beginning is. Bear with me for a moment."

"Sure." She watched him intertwine their fingers together and he seemed to draw some kind of strength from it.

"When I was a child, two men murdered my father." Meredith swallowed her words. Derek had grown up without a father too, a father that had been murdered. He always appeared so bright and shiny. "They shot him for his watch my mother had saved up for. He refused to give it up. Growing up I watched my Mom grief for her one love. She never dated again. To this day, she still wears her rings. Rationally I know my parents must have had their problems, but I was too young to see those and I grew up on stories of my parents love. I know I am idealising it, but still Dad was her one, her soulmate. I want that. That's why I believe in the fairytale, in the one, in soulmates. When I married Addison, I truly loved her but we weren't meant to be together forever, I know that now. I told you I was absent. A big part of that was my career. We had married young when we were just starting out. By the time our careers took off, we had problems and it was just too easy to focus on the job, do one more surgery, write one more article instead of going home and making the effort to make our marriage work. The other part was my feelings for her just sizzled out. I still loved her, but I wasn't in love with her anymore. That wasn't supposed to happen. I had always dreamt of finding the one, marrying her, living the dream my mother lost when Dad was killed. Maybe I started to realise she wasn't the one, I don't know. It didn't really matter, I had taken a vow and I wasn't going to go back on my word."

"And then she cheated?"

"And then she cheated. I came here, found you and tried to forget about it all. When Addison followed me, I was going to sign the papers. When she handed them to me, she asked me that aside from all the bad, if I had ever thought about that she might still be the one. And I hadn't. I doubted. I remembered the vows I took. She had made a mistake but no one is perfect and did I not owe it to me, to her, to our marriage to forgive her and give our marriage a second chance?"

"And so you did."

"Yes."

"It's what makes you you, what makes you a good man."

"So you keep saying."

"You haven't told me what made you changed your mind yet." He smiled at her, but it was a sad smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"I'm getting there. When Mark came here to operate on you, I asked him why. We grew up together and I have always thought of him as my brother. Brothers don't do that to each other. I don't know what I expected to hear but it certainly wasn't what he told me. He was in love with her."

"You didn't know?"

"What? You knew?"

"I.. yeah. I thought you did too. Why else would he sleep with Addison."

"Because he's a manwhore?"

"So Mark told you he was in love with Addison. I don't see how that would change anything yet."

"It takes two to tango, Mer. Mark said he was in love with Addison. I am still trying to sort out if it makes it less or more of a betrayal. Men fall in love with unavailable women all the time without acting on it. Had he valued the friendship between us like I did, he would have loved her from afar, but he wouldn't have slept with her."

"Because that works so well?"

"It is painful, and it takes a lot of strength, but it is possible to co-exist with the person you love without having sex with her."

"We came pretty close a few times."

"We came close, but we never did. We kissed and groped but we didn't even get to the undress stage before we came to our senses."

"Aside from the one time you had your hand down my pants." He stiffened next to her.

"You remember that? You never said anything."

"I wasn't sure, so what was I to say? Derek, when you put my drunken ass to bed, did we almost have sex or did I imagine it? Not exactly something you ask the ex-boyfriend with a wife." he looked chagrined.

"Sorry. I lost control for a moment when you came on to me."

"I was drunk and we all know that Tequila makes my clothes fall off. What's your excuse?"

"You. I knew it was wrong for many reasons, but you wanted me and little else mattered from the moment you kissed me."

"If Cristina hadn't accidentally kicked you, we would have had sex."

"Maybe. I'd like to think that I'd come to my senses long enough to realize that what we were doing was wrong. Not only because I was married, but also because you were drunk and I was not. I knew what I was doing, you did not, at least not to the extend I did. Let's be honest, you would have never forgiven me."

"Probably not. But we got off topic. You were telling me what changed that one day you were trying and the next you were divorced."

"I was. So I had just learned that by brother was in love with my wife. That was not all Mark said though. He told me he thought Addison was in love with him too. How could that be? How could Mark think Addison was in love with him?"

"Because she told him?"

"Exactly!"

"I don't understand."

"Meredith when Addison told Mark she was in love with him, than clearly she had thought about it. She couldn't have just randomly decide that evening that she loved Mark and wanted to have sex with him. If she loved Mark, then it was not a mistake and my reasoning was faulty. I gave her a second chance because I thought she had made one mistake, one bad decision. If she was in love with Mark, then it was clearly more than a mistake."

"It still could have been a mistake. People mistake lust for love all the time."

Derek looked at her thoughtfully. "I never thought of it that way, but it doesn't matter, because obviously I confronted Addison about it that night."

"What did she say?"

"It had been going on a while before I caught them. The worst thing is, it didn't stop when I caught them. Me leaving didn't suddenly make her realize she loved me still and Mark was a mistake. She stayed with Mark after I left."

"What happened?"

"She was pregnant with his baby." Meredith sucked in a deep breath.

"She was what?"

"Yeah, exactly. Mark being Mark cheated on her and Addison found out. She had an abortion. Then Richard called her about us and she decided she wanted me back."

"I am so sorry Derek." Meredith gripped his hand tightly.

"I kicked her out, took Doc for a walk and got on the phone with my lawyer. We signed the papers and I went to find you."

"And you found me."

"And I found you."

"What does it mean?"

"I don't know Meredith, it's for you to decide. All I can do is tell you how I feel. You'll have to figure out if that's enough and I deserve a second chance or if we can only be friends."

"If I say we can only be friends, then..."

"We'd only be friends. Although I cannot promise that I won't wait for an opening to make my move."

"You were trying with Addison and now you love me."

"No."

"No? No you don't love me, but you just said..."

"I love you but it wasn't a trying with Addison or being in love with you thing. Do you remember, back when you told me you loved me, there were three things you asked of me, to pick you, to choose you and to love you. I did not pick you, I did not choose you, but I did love you. I do love you. I just didn't understand. I thought..." he rubbed his face tiredly "If I could fall out of love with my wife of 11 years and in love with you, it should work the other way around too. Better even because we haven't had the history Addison and I have. Eleven Birthdays, elven Christmases, eleven anniversaries, that is a long time. If I would just be able to forgive her, to fall back in love with her, I wouldn't have failed. I didn't understand the depths of what I feel for you, how far I'd be willing to go for you..."

"You left me even though you loved me."

"Like I said I didn't understand how deep my feelings for you were. It doesn't make it better, but..." he shrugged. "I truly thought I was making the right, the honourable decision when I stayed with Addison. You'd find someone else without my baggage, someone in the same place in life where you are. But the more time we spent apart, the more I missed you and loved you. I thought about you all the time. I wanted to be your friend because I couldn't be the one to fail my marriage but I needed you in my life. You are what gave me strength, you are the reason I am not utterly destroyed by what Addison and Mark did. You are the reason I am not running this time, but sticking around and figuring things out."

"You believe in the one."

"I believe in the one." He agreed.

"Once you found the one and it's not all rainbow and unicorns, will you just stop being there like you did with Addison?"

"I think when you're with the person you're meant to be with, no matter how much you fight or how bad it gets, being without them will always hurt more."

"Do you think you will find her?" his hand tightened around hers.

"I have a pretty good idea where to start looking."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He kissed her softly.

"When I was a little girl, I was a little girl like any other including believing in fairytales, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy. Sure, my Mom was about as nurturing as a steak knife but she was my mommy so I loved her because little girls love their mommy's. And I had my Dad. One day when I was five my Dad left and it was only Mom and me. I woke up one day and realized that nothing of it was real, Fairytales, Prince Charming, Santa Clause it's not real. Only there was always this tiny bit of my five year old self left in me that still believed. The same five year old that sat at home looking out of the window waiting for her daddy. When I met you, Derek I was done. You brought that little girl back alive. I believed. I had found the Prince Charming I had stopped believing in so long ago and nothing stopped us from riding of into the sunset together. Nothing but your wife. I leaped Derek, and not only did you not leap with me, you didn't catch me and let me shatter into a million pieces."

"I am so so sorry."

"I know you are, but I am still putting myself back together."

"Let me help. I know it's my fault, so if you let me I can fix it."

"How, how can you fix it?"

"I can prove I am leaping with you, that I am going to catch you when you need me to."

"We'll see." she carefully moved her body closer to this. "I wish you could really hold me."

"Me too." One of his hands was still wrapped around hers, but with the other he began to play with her hair.

"You being here, it's a good start to convince me you're catching me."

"Good."

"Tell me about your day."

"It was okay. Addison and I have a case together."

"How it that going."

"It's going okay. The baby should make it."

"No stress with Addison?"

"Who told you?"

"Cristina was here earlier."

"Ah."

"How bad was it?"

"Manageable."

"Meaning?"

"She was bitchy and I was professional."

"Is there... rumours. I mean are they still taking about me. Of course they're talking about me but how bad is it?" She could feel Derek's body stiffen next to hers. "Derek?"

"They're not so much talking about you or the divorce but more about us having sex. Our preferences and such."

"Excuse me?"

"Apparently Izzie was overheard telling the others I went down on you which has been the hot topic for the past few days."

"What!"

"It's a bit awkward but don't worry about it too much. For once it's not bad talk. Of course if one more nurse looks at me like they do, I might have to quit."

"How are they looking at you?"

"You know, in these cartoons where there is a bear or whatever and it's starving and it looks at the table and the table turns into this delicious cooked turkey with lines of deliciousness coming of it. That's how they're looking at me. I'm the turkey."

"How is that different from what they normally look at you."

"Now you're mean." He pouted at her. Meredith grinned and reached up, kissing him quickly.

"Good evening. Ms. Grey, Mr. Shepherd, visiting times are over, you will have to leave." a nurse walked into the room. "I also have the vase here you wanted."  
"Thank you, just put it down on the table. I will just say goodbye." Derek told the nurse before getting up. He grabbed the vase and walked into the bathroom. "I will come by again tomorrow after my shift. If something changes, I'll just give you a call, alright?"

"Okay." He put the vase with the tulips down on her nightstand.

"Good Night Meredith. I love you."

"Don't stop telling me that."

"That I love you?"

"Yes. I can't say it back because the last time I said it... but if you keep telling me, then I will hopefully start believing it and..."  
"It's still there though right? I am not alone in wanting this?"

"I am scared, but no you're not alone."

"Then I won't stop saying it."

"Good. Good Night Derek."

"See you tomorrow." he kissed her quickly before leaving. Meredith watched him leaving, more relaxed now than he had been when he arrived earlier. She wished she was going home with him, but she couldn't tonight. Soon though, soon they'd be going home together. Meredith smiled and grabbed her book. If Derek couldn't hold her tonight, she'd be reading some more about Eleanor who also had to wait before she could be with the man she loved.


	24. Home

**Only 5 reviews :( I hadn't had this little feedback since chapter 12 and that for the longest chapter to date.**

**Sometimes it takes longer to find a title for a chapter then to write a chapter itself. Since I am a little tight on time, this chapter is untitled. Suggestions welcome.**

**I made a slight mistake in the last chapter (which since then has been corrected) the average hospital stay for a woman having a mastectomy with immediate reconstructive surgery is 5-7 days. I accidentally had Derek tell Meredith she'd be going home the day after, which was an oversight and/or loosing overview of my timeline on my side. Sorry about that.**

**Thanks to everyone who left feedback.**

**Enjoy**

"Ready to go home?"

"God, yes. A week in the hospital is definitely too long"

"Let me take your bag." Together they walked out of the hospital hand in hand. It was already starting to get dark.

"Sorry I am so late, Richard held me up with evaluations I apparently have to write."

"You've got to write evaluations?"

"Just about the neurosurgery staff, don't worry."

"I'm not worried."

"Alright then. How are you feeling?"

"Okay-ish. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed. It's impossible to get a good nights sleep in hospitals."

Derek laughed. "I remember that from when I crashed my bike."

"How long were you in the hospital?"

"A few weeks. I had three broken rips, a pierced lung and a severe concussion as well as a contusion."

"Ouch."

"I was banged up quite bad."

"I wish I could take a shower and wash this hospital smell of me. At least they finally removed the drains, I was afraid they would sent me home with them."

"So what? Wouldn't have been a big deal, it's not like you don't have enough doctors around to change them for you."

"Yeah, but it's seriously annoying to walk around with drains coming out of your breast. You always have to carry the bottles with you and when you jostle the drains it hurts like a bitch because the surrounding tissue is so tender."

"How long until they remove the sutures and you can take a shower?"

"I have to come back in a week. I tried to tell them that I know enough surgeons who could remove them for me, but they insisted that I go to Dr. Cox to get them removed."

"So one more week until you can take a shower?"

"Yep." Meredith sighed. "This isn't the way home."

"We're stopping somewhere."

"I'm really not in the mood to..." Meredith trailed of. "You're taking me to McDonalds?"

"Almost. We're picking up a burger for you to eat on the way home. I figured after a week of crappy hospital food 3 times a day you'd like to eat the most greasy, unhealthy food to be found."

"You mean like the cold grilled cheese sandwich you smuggled in for breakfast yesterday?"

"Only even more arterial clogging."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Meredith smiled and rested her hand on Derek's thigh. He smiled at her, interweaving their fingers. Apparently Derek was making McDreamy his second name these days, almost being perfect. It made her feel special and loved but made her throat close up at the same time. Somehow she expected her world to come crashing down again when Derek changed his mind and left again.

Meredith stared at the bathtub half filled with water. Her hair was twisted up so it wouldn't get in the way.

"What are you still standing here? The water is going to get cold." Derek asked from behind her. That was the problem. The idea had been that she washed up before going to bed. The trip home from the hospital had been surprisingly exhausting, so exhausting that she had only said a quick hello to her friends waiting for her downstairs before going to her bedroom with Derek. Now she was supposed to take a bath since she couldn't get her incision wet and therefore a shower was out of question. Derek was supposed to lent her a hand and clean her back since she couldn't reach everywhere especially not with her restricted movement at the moment. But bathing required her to undress. She wasn't ready to see herself yet, but she had to. She was even less ready for Derek to see her.

"What's the problem Mer?"

"I don't want to see it yet."

"So close your eyes. You don't have to see it."

"I don't want to you to see it either."

"Do you want me to get Cristina or Izzie?"

"I don't know."

"Me, Cristina or Izzie. That are your choices, because you have to bath." He sounded slightly irritated and Meredith bit her lip.

"Are you saying I stink?"

"No. But Mer, you said it yourself you wanted to get the hospital smell of you and this is how to do it. You also know that personal hygiene becomes doubly important after surgery."

"Get me Cristina. No, Izzie. Just sent both of them up."

"Okay."

* * *

"What's going on Mer? And why does McDreamy look like someone kicked his puppy?" Cristina burst into the bathroom with Izzie on her heals.

"I need your help. I need help, basically a sponge bath because I am going to be sitting in that tub with my eyes closed. I can't look at me yet."

"So why are we here and not McDreamy."

"Because Mer doesn't want McDreamy to see her." Izzie told Cristina in a "duh" voice. "Don't worry, I've got this."

"Thanks Iz."

"I'll be downstairs then. We're watching your Mum pull a guys face off."

"Again."

"It's a good one."

"Go on, get undressed Mer, before the water gets cold."

"You can't say anything. I don't want to know what it looks like."

"I won't."

"Good." Meredith climbed into the bathtub.

"How bad does it look?"

"You said I'm not supposed to say anything."

"I changed my mind. Tell me."

"The incision is red, the tissue is swollen, but it does look good."

"Can you tell the difference?"

"The new breast looks a bit bigger, but I think once the swelling has gone down, it'll look great. I mean, it's Mark Sloan who did your reconstruction, your new breast is going to be perfect once properly healed. It already does look good."

"I sure hope so."

"It will be, you'll see."

"How's your heart guy?"

"I think I am in love with him."

"He's your patient, Iz. You can't get involved with him. And what about Alex?"

"I know, I know, but there's just something about Denny that's... I don't know."

"Just be careful Izzie. If anyone finds out, you'll loose everything. After everything you did to put yourself through Med School and get out of the trailer park, it would be a shame."

"I guess so... Same goes for you though. You're Ellis Grey's daughter, yet the thing you're best known for at the hospital are not your surgical skills or even your Mum but your thing with McDreamy. All done, back and incision side, can you do the rest?"

"I'll be fine. Thanks for helping Izzie."

"No worries. Did I tell you? I went and got a mammogram last week."

"You did?"

"You having breast cancer scared the hell out of me, so I had them have a look."

"All clear?"

"All clear."

"Good for you."

"Izzie."

"Yeah?"

"One more thing. Whatever happens in this house, needs to stay in this house. Just consider this Vegas."

"You heard about what they're saying about you and Dr. Shepherd."

"I heard they're talking about us and what you saw. What exactly are they saying?"

"Ahm... You don't have your pj's here. I am going to grab them for you."

"Izzie."

"They're wondering how long it has been going on. Some are jealous because they don't have a guy going down on them first thing in the morning. Other's are rooting for the next chapter in what they call the Legend of Meredith and Derek. It's not too bad really." Meredith nodded and put on the Pyjamas Izzie had gotten her.

"Help me wash my hair?" Meredith walked into the living room after Izzie, where Derek said with George, Alex and Cristina trying very hard not to look out of place.

"Sure. Upstairs or where..."

"Izzie suggested in the kitchen, I can lie down on the counter with my hair in the sink."

"Do you have your shampoo and conditioner?"

"I do." Meredith held out her hand for him to grab. Letting Derek wash her hair was her peace offering for not letting him help her earlier with washing. Meredith hopped onto the counter, a towel wrapped around her shoulders to protect her PJ's from getting wet.

"The temperature okay like this."

"Perfect." She closed her eyes as he massaged her scalp when he worked the shampoo into her hair.

"That feels good. Either you were a hairdresser in a former life or you wash a lot more women's hair than I want to know about."

"Oh I have a side business at the hospital. When I am not busy fixing brains I wash the nurses hair. Share the magic. Can't keep all the hair awesomeness to my self, can I now?"

"I thought so. Nurse Debbie's hair has been looking awfully good lately." Meredith opened her eyes, trying to look at him.

"Close your eyes, I don't want any of the suds to get into your eyes when I rinse."

"Okay."

"Do you wash once or twice?"

"Once."

"Good. And the conditioner, just the lengths or the whole hair."

"Just into the lengths and the tips."

"Hhmmm."

"What?"

"I like the smell."

"Lavender."

"I remember. Do you have a comb here? There are some big tangles in your hair and it's easier to untangle them with conditioner still in your hair."

"It's fine, don't worry about it. We can brush my hair later."

"Okay if you say so."

"Now, be honest. Since I know you don't really wash the nurses hair in your off time, how are you able to do it so well?"

"Hey, my hair doesn't look like it does automatically."

"Really, Derek?"

"It's the truth. Do you know how my hair looks if I just let it go, without the product and all."

"That's... very girly."

"Oy! I resent that. I am a very manly man. Be honest. It was the hair that made you decide to take me home the night we met."

"Of course Derek." He helped her sit up after he rinsed the conditioner out of her hair. Meredith closed her eyes.

"Everything alright?"

"A little woozy. It'll pass in a minute or two I just sat up too fast." Meredith opened her eyes and the room had stopped spinning. "All better now."

"Good." Derek lifted her of the counter before pressing a quick kiss to her lips. He twisted the towel around her head.

"How did you do that?"

"What?"

"The Hairturban. I am to stupid, mine never hold up."

"I don't know, I got lots of practice when my little sister had a broken arm."

"I'm sure it was your sister you practiced with, my manly man."

"Don't be so mean to me. Do you want to go upstairs or stay down here with your friends?"

"I think I wanna hang out a bit with my friends for a bit. Aside from Cristina I haven't really hung out with them since the day before my mastectomy. One of them will have to explain the cot in the living room to me."

"I am going to stay out of that discussion."

"You knew about it?"

"Cristina may have mentioned it in passing."

"I don't need to be babysat. I had a mastectomy, not a triple bypass or whatever."

"Take it up with them." With so many people there was only one seat left, the old armchair. Derek sat down and pulled Meredith in his lap, wrapping his arms around her.

"So which one of you is going to explain the cot to me?"

"Cot, which cot?"

"Cristina, they amputated my breast, not my brain."

"Well you're going to need some help around the house so we thought we'd stay here."

"Because there aren't enough people here already... What about Burke, Cristina?"

"He'll be fine."

"I can't believe you just decided to move into my house. When exactly are you going to help me?You guys work over 80 hours a week. We barely manage to do our own stuff most weeks."

"That's why we're all here, split between us we should manage to do more stuff since we only need to take care of one place instead of three."

"Isn't Iz the only one of us who actually cleans?"

"Whatever, I just needed a place to stay."

"Kicked you out of the whorehouse, did they Alex?"

"Is it okay that they're here, Mer?" Derek spoke quietly in her ear.

"I guess so. They're just worried."

"Okay." He pressed a kiss against her cheek.

"Stop whispering you two." Cristina interrupted their tender moment. They chatted for a bit, but Meredith felt so bone-tired. She yawned repeatedly. In the corner of her eye, she could see Derek frown. He was the only one who knew how exhausted she had been when she had returned home and she wanted it to stay this way. After Derek had washed her hair, she had felt more awake and had been so exited to be with her friends. He was about to say something, she had to act before that.

"I am going to bed. Good night everyone." Meredith got up and walked towards the stairs.

"I guess I'll be going home then?" She could just kiss him. Of all the people, he was the only one considerate enough to be around but not intrude, to be there to help but not smothering her.

"Don't be stupid." If she could help it, he wouldn't sleep anywhere else anytime soon. She heard his hasty steps behind her.

"Don't trip over your feet McDreamy." Cristina teased and Meredith slowed her steps so they walked the last few meters to her bedroom together, her hand tucked safely inside his bigger one.

**Please leave a review after reading**


	25. Just The Way You Are

**A/N** **As ChileSun92 so smartly suggested, I could have gone with the obvious Home for the title of the last chapter. I felt incredibly stupid.**

**Reviews doubled to the usual 10. That made me very happy and quite a few new people reviewing as well. I love y'all.**

**The Wicked Witch is back... but how wicked is she actually?**

The doorbell rang.

"Can you open the door, Derek?"

"Sure." Derek walked out of the kitchen where he had been doing the dishes. He instantly wished he'd be somewhere else.

"Who is it, Derek?"

"I am not opening that door."

"Derek, I can see you, open the door." the woman outside yelled.

"Is that Addison?" Meredith walked down the stairs.

"Yes, and we're not opening the door."

"That might work if we had a solid door out of wood and could pretend we're not home, but this is a glass door and she can very clearly see us by the way she's rolling her eyes. You're being ridiculous." Meredith opened the door herself.

"Addison, what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"To me?"

"Yes."

"Come on in then, I guess." Meredith eyed the other woman warily "Let's go sit in the living room."

Derek walked in behind them.

"Do you think you could leave me alone with Meredith for a moment?"

"I don't think so."

"I am not going to hurt her Derek, I just want to talk to her."

"I can handle myself Derek. Weren't you going out to the trailer to pick up Doc?"

"Are you sure, because Doc won't mind running around a little longer?"

"Go. I see you later." Derek hesitated before leaning down. Meredith turned her head and his kiss landed on her cheek instead of her mouth. "I love you." he whispered in her ear. Meredith hoped Addison hadn't overheard him. Both woman watched him walk away.

"Does he ever leave you alone."

Meredith laughed. "He's around a lot. Why are you here Addison. You wanted to talk, so talk."

"I wan to know if you slept with him while Derek and I were still together."

"I haven't slept with him since before I knew he was married."

"Really? From what they are saying at the hospital..."

"You shouldn't believe everything you hear. Addison, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I just..."

"You lost him a long time ago. Let it go."

"Easy for you to say."

"Really Addison? Because I haven't watched him play house with you for months?"

"It's not the same."

"No it's not, you're right. You had him, he was yours and you let it slip away and then you slept with Mark. And you lied about it to Derek when things with Mark didn't work out. No matter what, Derek would have never left you. I met a man and fell in love and everything was great until suddenly his wife introduces herself to me."

"I know."

"Be honest with yourself, Addison. Do you even love him any more? Or do you just love the idea of him. Can't you admit that you failed at something?"

"I..."

"If you would truly still love him, you wouldn't have stayed with Mark. You wouldn't have told Mark that you loved him. Things with Mark didn't work out and you used Derek so you didn't have to be alone. I get it, Derek isn't the kind of man you want to loose if you can help it."

"No he isn't." the other woman agreed.

Meredith was silent. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. He was your husband. He'd still be if I hadn't gotten cancer. And now it sounds like I am forcing him or he's pitying me and I hope to god he isn't but..."

"He's so in love with you." Addison interrupted. "I don't think he ever loved me like that. I always knew he loved you. I hoped it would go away, it didn't. It's... it's good that you didn't sleep with him while we were still married." Addison laughed. "Of course it makes me feel even dirtier that he was faithful until the end."

"Yeah." Meredith laughed weakly.

"Meredith..."

"I relied on him a lot more than a woman should rely on a married man. Not that he would have accepted anything else. From the second he knew he was everywhere, but that doesn't make it right, it took him away from you."

"Derek... when he puts his mind to something and thinks he needs to do something, that it's the right thing to do, he can loose focus of everything else."

"I figured that out already."

"The way he looks at you... don't ever loose that. And don't do what I did..."

"Sleep with Mark?"

"I was going to say let him go, but that's true too. Truce?"

"Truce." Meredith grabbed the offered hand. "Do you want something to drink? I am a terrible hostess."

"Is it to early for something alcoholic?"

"It must be 5pm somewhere in the world."

* * *

"Addison?" Why was his ex-wife sitting outside his girlfriends house in the rain.

"Oh?" the redhead gasped. "Sorry." she had been crying. "I am leaving now."

"Are you okay?" Derek winced, she obviously wasn't okay but that didn't mean she wanted to share with her ex-husband why she was crying.

"It's just something Meredith said."

"Oh."

"She asked me questions I should have probably asked myself." he was silent, what was he to answer.

"I am sorry I cheated and then lied to you about it." Derek looked up, Addison seemed sincere. "I am sorry I made us break. We had everything and then I cheated."

"You didn't make us break, Addie. We were broken long before you and Mark slept together."

"Maybe, but we could have fixed it. If we had tried, we could have fixed it."

"We probably could have" he agreed.

"We had everything."

"We didn't Addison. We had the careers and the house, but we didn't have each other. We were more like room-mates than a couple for the last few years."

"I guess so." Addison gasped through her tears. Derek sighed and wrapped her arms around her.

"Sshh, it's okay."

"When we got married I thought we'd last forever."

"Me too."

"Yes?"

"I wouldn't have married you otherwise. We know better now, but back then, yeah I thought we'd grow old together."

"Are you happy now?"

"As happy as I can be, considering the circumstances."

"Because of the divorce?"

"Because she has cancer. It's..." Derek shrugged. "Being with her makes me incredibly happy, even with everything that comes with it."

"Aren't you even a little bit sad about our divorce?"

"I am, of course I am, it's been eleven years of my life, the better part of my adult life actually. Meredith makes it okay though. Us ending led me to Meredith and be with her and I can't regret that."

"You really love her."

"With all I have."

"If you love her so much though, why did you gave us another try?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"I need to."

"Everything about Mer and me screamed rebound, maybe even mid-life crisis. The way we started, the all consuming passion, the age difference, the way I fell hard and fast for her before even realising what was happening, everything. When you came out here, I thought I owed it to what I promised you, to our vows to forgive you and give you a second chance."

"But she isn't a rebound."

"No, she's... everything, that's the only way I know how to describe it."

"Don't hurt her again, Derek, she deserves better than that."  
"She deserves the world." Derek simply said.

"I wish someone would love me like that."

"You'll find that someone. Maybe Mark..."

"I don't think so. He cheated on me."

"Maybe that means he's not that person for you, maybe he is it despite everything. Weren't you two happy together?"

"Sometimes, when we weren't feeling guilty or ashamed... then we were happy."

"Well you won't have to feel guilty or ashamed any more. It might just change things."

"It might. He still doesn't look at me though the way you look at Meredith."

"How do I look at Meredith?"

"Like she is the centre of the whole Universe or some goddess. Everyone can see it. They call it _the Look_."

Derek laughed. "I should have known they have a name for it. Meredith calls it our look. I'm not even doing it on purpose."

"No, I believe that, but you change when she's around. You become.. alive."

"I'm sorry you had to watch me being like that in the past few months."

"You said you can't help it."

"Doesn't make it better. After I decided to be with you, I should have..."

"You don't even know what you should have done different. How can you change what you don't do on purpose?"

"It still wasn't fair to you."

"See it as my punishment for sleeping with Mark."

"This is the absolution, then?"

"Making peace with each other. Do you regret us?"

"No." Derek shook his head. "I am not even sure I regret the last few months. I think I had to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were beyond saving before I could move on guilt free."

"Did you ever feel guilty when you were with Meredith?" Derek was silent. He did feel guilty in the beginning, but not for the reasons Addison wanted him to. He had felt guilty because he had kept secrets from Meredith and he had seen her falling for him, believing him, knowing it could never last.

"I was mostly pretending you and Mark never existed."

"So you didn't."

"Not in that aspect."

"I guess I deserved that."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, we both made mistakes."

He watched his always put-together ex-wife wipe her nose in her sleeve.

"Tissue?"

"Thank you."

"He's out there for you too, Addison. The man who'll look at you like you're the centre of the universe. You'll just wait and when you least expect it, he'll be there."

"I am going home now. Can't come across him on my ex-husbands girlfriends porch."

"I don't know, with the amount of people living here, you might just get lucky."

"Don't even joke about it. Richard will have a coronary if another of his department heads will start a thing with one of the Interns."

"At least you wouldn't be having Bailey riding your ass. I think she has given up on trying to keep her interns away from us attendings. I mean there's me and Mer, Cristina and Burke, and George is involved with a resident from Bailey's year."

"It's a wonder anyone ever gets any work done with all the relationship drama and the gossip around it."

"What, you don't enjoy being part of the Seattle Grace Show?"

"Not particularly. Meredith is probably wondering where you are."

"Probably."

"Addison?"

"Yeah."

"Doc is at the Vet. It's probably just something because a tick bite, but if you want to visit him... He was your dog too." Addison shook her head.

"He was always your and Meredith's baby." Derek couldn't help himself, his mouth twisted into a grin at what Addison said. His and Meredith's baby, something they created together with their love, that sounded great. Addison frowned at him.

"Derek, Meredith has breast cancer, with chemo therapy and everything, there is a not so small chance that she won't be able to conceive even when the doctor gives the go-ahead healthwise in a few years."

"I know."

"Does she even want children or has she taken any precautions to try to ensure fertility?"

"Not that I know of."

"I thought you went to all doctors appointments with her?"

"I did, but it never came up."

"Hmmm, I would have expected better of Dr. Cox. You should talk to her about it."

"We just got back together."

"Once she starts chemo, it's up to fate. If she wants to actively influence the outcome, she has to be open to the possibility of children now. Already it might be even to late or even too dangerous to harvest her eggs, but there are other possibilities. There is a quite successful trial of ovarian tissue to be removed and frozen and once the woman is ready for pregnancy after treatment, it gets implanted again." He had thought briefly about it when Meredith first had gotten the diagnosis but he had no idea if she had thought about children. He wasn't sure how to bring it up without freaking Meredith out. She still wasn't able to tell him she loved him.

"See you later Derek."

"Bye Addison." Derek was deep in thought. Meredith needed him to make baby steps in their relationship, but there were big things they had to talk about now because she had cancer and it influenced everything they did. Baby steps, there was the word again. He had no idea how to bring it up with Meredith.

* * *

She stood in front of the mirror hesitating, her robe wrapped around her. Sooner or later she had to look at her breast, scars and all. Meredith closed her eyes tightly and dropped her robe. Like ripping of a band aid, she opened her eyes. The skin was red and swollen, the scars clearly visible in the bright pink of fresh surgical scars. Mark had done a great job, Mer could already tell. Once the swelling would go down and the scar aged it would be invisible to the casual eye. Izzie was right, Mark had done a great job. Her hand rose to touch her breast. The door to her bed room opened.

"Meredith, are you in here?" Meredith whirled around. Their eyes met, she was frozen in shock. His eyes dropped down to her chest.

"Meredith." He stepped into the room.

"Don't look please." Meredith grabbed her robe. "It's hideous."

"No it's not."

"So you looked? You weren't supposed to see it before it's properly healed."

"I am sorry. I should have knocked but I was in a hurry to talk to you. I had to take Doc to the Vet."

"The Vet? Why?" Meredith almost forgot about that Derek had seen her naked.

"He was just lying there on the porch."  
"What did the Vet say?"

"Probably a tick bite. He's keeping Doc there for a few days just in case."

"Poor guy. He could have been lying there for hours."

"He was fine yesterday when I stopped by before lunch."

"You should have brought him home yesterday."

"It wouldn't have changed a thing."

"But we could have taken him to the Vet right away, poor guy probably was lying there for hours thinking no one loves him."

"Doc knows how much he means to us. Meredith." He stepped closer to her, pulling her into his arms.

"We have to visit Doc. I haven't seen him in so long. He will think we've abandoned him."

"Meredith." Derek's hand were rubbing her back in soothing motions. "We have to talk about this."

"You're right. It was irresponsible to leave Doc alone."

"He wasn't alone for longer than he would have been had I had a 48 hours shift. And that's not what I meant, you know it."

"There's nothing else to talk about." He pulled her closer still, until she was pressed against his chest. He nuzzled his face into her neck.

"I love you."

Meredith wrapped her arms around his waist. "I look like Frankenstein's Monster." she mumbled into his chest. She felt his chest vibrate in suppressed laughter. "It's not funny, you ass."

"I am sorry." He kissed the top of her head. "Look at me."

"Uh oh." Meredith shook her head.

"Mer, look at me. Look at me!" He pulled back, forcing her to look him in the eye. "I love you. You do not look like Frankenstein's Monster. You have a few scars, whatever, they will fade. I love you, scars and all. You're my Meredith."

"Your Meredith?" Meredith raised her eyebrow. "I do not belong to anyone."

"You belong to me, I belong to you."

"You belong to me?"

"Yes."

"You're mine."

"Yes, Meredith, that's what belonging to someone actually means" He laughed slightly. "I am yours, just like you are mine." He was hers. He had outright said it. She once before had thought of him as hers and a few hours later his wife had shown up, but this time he had said it himself. He thought of her as his. It was a nice feeling to know that he thought that. Soon, she would tell him soon that she loved him still. He pulled her close in his arms again, his lips moving along her neck in tiny kisses.

"I am sorry I saw you naked before you were ready for me to see you."

"It's allright, probably better this way. Who knows how long it would have taken me to let you see me."

"Doesn't matter, Mer. Whatever you need."

"What about what you need?"

"I've got you." He murmured into her skin.

"That's enough?"

"More than enough." He pressed his lips against hers in a gentle kiss. Meredith stepped closer in his embrace.

"Hmmm." he hummed in her mouth.

"We're not having sex." she murmured as her fingers twisted into his hair.

"No sex." he agreed, pulling her down with him onto the bed. Their bodies were stretched out next to each other, his hands resting on her hips. He deepened the kiss.

"'m serious, no sex." she whispered breathlessly as he peppered her face with kisses.

"I know." he replied finding her lips again, his tongue exploring her mouth.

"Derek..." she moaned, half in protest.

"Just kissing you." he broke the kiss, looking at her. "Haven't you ever done this, just kissing someone for hours."

"No. When did you do this? In High School?" She looked at him, in cheeks a faint pink. "You did! Derek we aren't in High School."

"It's nice, though, isn't it?" A quick peck on the tip of her nose was followed by two on her cheeks.

Meredith sighed. "It is." their lips met again, moving gently against each other in a soft kiss. She really should take a nap because healing was exhausting, but kissing Derek like this was so much better than sleep.

**If you liked the chapter (and even if you didn't) please leave a review. I look forward to reading your opinion on the chapter :)**


	26. Chapter 26

**I did actual research for this chapter, never looked at so much lingerie as I did for this ever before. I had to find out if what I was looking for (or better yet Derek was looking for) actually exists.**

**Addison and Derek was inspired by a cut scene between Meredith and Derek where Meredith gives Derek sex advice... kind off. **

**I was too busy talking ideas about the season opener to "waste" time finding a title. Sorry. Next week**

"You are Bethany Whisper." Derek said, staring straight ahead.

"I was." Izzie slowly said. "Why do I suddenly feel living with you will be very awkward."

"What, why? Because I know you're Bethany Whisper? Everyone and their mother has seen those adds"

"When I did those adds I realized that people would see it, I just never realized that the boss who happens to be my roommates boyfriend would see them."

"What do you mean?" Izzie raised her eyebrow. Derek rolled his eyes. And Meredith accused him of having a porny mind. "Not like that. I just saw them in the hospital when someone shared photocopies of them. Jeez, I am not fifteen anymore."

"Then why?"

"I was thinking, and if you tell anyone what I am about to talk to you about you won't see the inside of an OR for the rest of the year. Meredith is so uncomfortable in her body and I thought nice lingerie might help."

"You want to buy Meredith lingerie?"

"Yes. I mean she's going to start chemo soon, it's not going to be pretty. I want to built up her confidence and make sure she's comfortable with herself again before everything. You don't think that's a good idea?"

"I don't know. It's not something I can honestly say I thought about."

"I'd be worried if you had. Anyways, I did my research and I have a general idea, I could probably just tell the sales lady what I want, but you have seen the scars and well, you have boobs." Derek felt the blood rise in his face. In his head, it had sounded much more simple and a lot less awkward. "I want something Meredith not only will like to wear, but which also hides her scars."

"My shift ends at five."

"Okay, we go then. You know where to go?"

"Of course I know where to go." The elevator stopped.

"Be in the lobby at quarter past five, Dr. Stevens."

* * *

"Allright, tell me what you want to buy for Meredith."

"Something comfortable but sexy. I looked it up, babydolls should work. They have these that are open, showing of the stomach but keeping the sides and the back covered."

"Flyaways." Izzie nodded. "I guess that would fullfill the requirement. Pull over here."

"I figured we'd go to Victoria Secret."

"Victoria Secret, that's so yesterday. Everyone wears Victoria Secret. And you only get Victoria Secret. We are going to a Lingerie store that has mainly european lingerie like La Perla. The very special stuff. I hope you brought your credit card."

"Okay..."

"That reminds, what's the budget?"

"Lets just have a look and then I decide."

"Oh, lingerie shopping with out a budget. This might just be fun."

They walked into the store together and Derek was suddenly very glad to have brought Izzie along. The selection was overwhelming.

"Well, let's get started Dr. Shepherd."

"I think considering where we are, you might as well call me Derek outside of the hospital."

"Okay Derek. Now we're buying for Meredith, but no one said you can't enjoy it as well. Any preferences?"

"None."

"Well, what do you like to see on Meredith?"

"My shirts." Derek automatically replied. The first morning they had spent at the trailer, he hadn't been able to sleep anymore and had gotten up to watch the sunrise from his porch. A few minutes later, Meredith had joined him, wearing nothing but his shirt from the night before. There was something incredibly sexy about Meredith in his clothing.

"You're useless." the blonde scoffed. "I just find some things and you pick what you think works for both you and Meredith. How's that?"

"Nothing too lacy. Meredith isn't that girly-girl type."

"Nothing too lacy. Got it." Izzie agreed. As Izzie walked off with a saleslady for assistance, Derek walked around the store alone. Addison had been very particular about her lingerie and while Derek certainly could appreciate a woman in sexy lingerie, there was something extremely sexy about Meredith in her mismatched underwear. Probably because it oozed confidence and not the need to pretty up her body with lace. Derek ended up in the sleep and loungewear and before he new it, he had pilled up new pyjamas for Meredith in his arms. Chemo would be stressful on her body and he wanted her to be comfortable, so plain cotton pyjamas and pure cashmere it was. He was probably going overboard, but he wanted to make it as easy as possible for Meredith.

"What do you have there?" Izzie joined him.

"Just some pyjamas for Mer."

"A lot of pyjamas."

"Well some of it is loungewear. And some of her usual stuff might be too rough on her skin once she starts chemo."

"Damn, we sure hit it on the head when we named you McDreamy. You can't be real."

Derek laughed. "A few weeks ago, you were saying quite the opposite."

"Well, you're about to buy a months salary of lingerie and pyjamas."

Derek raised his eyebrow. "I would hope not..."

"My salary, not yours. Out of curiosity, how much do you make?"

"More than enough to buy all of this without having to go hungry for the rest of the month."

"And rich too..." Izzie sighed. "Whatever. Here I got some babydolls like you were talking about. What do you think?" the blonde held up different tops for Derek to look at.

"Not that one."

"Why not, it's pretty."

"I think I saw it on Addison once."

"Okay, this is a no go then. What about the others?"

"That one is too lacy and that one is too see through. I like those two."

"Those two it is." the saleslady joined in. "We have matching panties as well, if you want to have a look?"

"Bikini cuts?"

"Do I want to know why you know what kind of panties Meredith wears?"

"Why wouldn't I. We live together. How do you know the different kind of panties by name?"

"I told you, I did my research. It's supposed to be a nice surprise and I didn't want it to be spoilt by buying the wrong things." Derek said as he dumped the pyjamas on the cashier's desk.

"Would you like those items gift wrapped?"

"Yes please."

Derek winced a bit as he saw the total, but he handed over his credit card anyways. "This better be the best stuff."

"Believe me, this is the special lingerie."

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey. How long have you been standing there?"

"A few minutes. You were so engrossed in your book."

"You're late tonight."

"I had to make a stop. I got you presents."

"You did? Why?"

"Just because." He handed her a white paperbag that gave nothing away.

"What's this?"

"Well, have a look." Meredith looked into the bag. It had white boxes with copper coloured bows and a name that meant nothing to Meredith.

"This looks a lot like expensive lingerie packaging."

"Does it?" He smirked at her. Meredith opened the first box, revealing a black babydoll, falling open below the bust.

"Do you like it?"

"You bought me lingerie." Her voice was flat.

"I did." he smiled at her, but she didn't look happy. "You don't like it." his face fell. "Erm, I guess we can return it and you can pick something you like better."

"You said you wouldn't pressure me and then you buy me lingerie."  
"What?"

"I get it, you want sex and I don't. But you could have asked, you didn't have to buy lingerie if you don't want to see me naked while we're doing it. We could have turned off the light or I could have kept my shirt on whatever."

"Meredith, what are you talking about?"

"You want sex but you don't want to see my scars while we're doing it."

"What? No!"

"Don't lie to me and pretend I am stupid Derek. Every man wants sex."

"I won't lie and say I'd say no if you want to have sex. But I also want a porsche and a Harper Avery. I don't need it to be happy. Take all the time you need and when you feel ready, we'll have sex. If the itch needs to be scratched, I've got working hands and a couple months worth memories of hot, porny sex with you. I bought you the lingerie because I can see how uncomfortable you are in your own body and how you avoid looking at yourself." he kneeled down in front of her, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "You change in the bathroom because you don't want me to see you naked when you've never cared before. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I thought maybe pretty lingerie would help you to get your confidence back. I don't even have to see you wearing it. Put it on when I am on call, model it for Izzie and Cristina, whatever. I just hate that you are so uncomfortable when you have no reason to. If you open the other boxes, I bought you other stuff as well."

"Let me guess, more lace?"

"Actually no. Nice, sensible cotton pyjamas for example. And a cashmere hoodie and pants for when you start chemo and everything else is just uncomfortable and itchy." Derek swallowed his frustration. He was just trying to be a considerate boyfriend and do something nice for her.

Meredith sighed. " I am being a bitch, aren't I?" She unwrapped the rest of his gifts. "These are really soft." Meredith picked up the cashmere hoodie, rubbing her face into it like a little kitten.

"So you like them." relief spread through him. At least his shopping trip hadn't been a total failure.

"I do. Come here." Derek willingly sat down next to her on the bed "Thank you. I know I don't sound very grateful, but it was a really nice idea. I just don't know if I am comfortable with the idea of wearing lingerie yet."

"You..." She pressed her finger against his lips.

"I know, I don't have to and that you're not pressuring me. It's only... you do all these nice things for me and I don't do anything and it's making me feel like a bitch."

"You are giving me a second chance. That's all I could ever ask of you."

"But we have to be equals. You can't feel guilty and try to make up for it forever. It won't work that way." Derek wondered if she realized she had talked about forever together. Probably hadn't been a conscious thing, but it made her reaction to his presents sting less. He pulled her into his arms.

"I don't do this out of guilt. I just want you to be happy."

"I know. And I try to be happy, Derek, I really do, but I'm not a bright and shiny person, that won't change."

"I don't think you and I are made for bright and shiny Mer."

"You are, you are always so happy."

"Only when I am with you. I hadn't been happy in a very long time. You bring a side out in me that was gone for so long, I even had forgotten to miss it."

"Cheesy."

"A little bit, yeah." He held her tighter, as she curled up into him.

"You really don't mind my scars?"

"I don't, I promise."

"How can you not? I have seen it on other woman before, and there is nothing sexy about the way a reconstructed breast looks with a scar right across it."

"But you looked at those breast from a medical view or even with a strangers curiosity. I look at the woman I love."

"Seriously Derek, that's bad even for you."

"I am serious Mer. I know you think all these things about yourself and you think I must think the same, but I don't. Would you find me any less attractive if I had scars across my chest? Would you no longer want to have sex with me?"

"Of course not, but it's different!"

"No it's not."

"Of course it is. You used to lick my breast and tease my nipples all the time. It's different with a male chest."

"With a male chest maybe. But you so pulled on my chest hair before when you came and even right now, you're cuddling into my chest."

"It's still different."Meredith said stubbornly.

"How?"

"Scars on men signal strength. You survived something bad. On woman they mar perfection."

"I don't want perfection."

"Says the perfect man."

"I am not perfect. I seriously doubt the perfect man would have withheld his marital status from you. I had perfection before, or at least someone who tried their hardest to be and look how that ended. You're..." Derek laughed "perfectly imperfect. You can't cook, you drink a little too much a little too often and probably a million other things. I love every single one of them."

"You're being perfect again. It's annoying."

"I'm sorry. Would you rather I'd be an ass again? I just want to make you happy."

"It's just you're everywhere, saying things all the time."

"This is the happily ever after part."

"The happily ever after doesn't have breast cancer."

"It's not perfect, but we can work with it."

"What if I die?" Derek felt his heart quite literally clench.

"You won't."

"People with breast cancer die all the time."

"Not with your diagnosis, they don't."

"I am just saying, we might not get our happily ever after."

"Saying you might die is not just saying! You will not die, okay!"

Meredith swallowed at the intensity in his voice."Okay. Sorry."

Derek buried his face into her hair. "You won't die."

"I won't die." Meredith told him what he needed to hear, rubbing his arms.

* * *

When his day had started out amazing, he should have known it wouldn't last. People were looking at him. Again. Really though, the day had started so amazing. He had woken up before the alarm went of and had just watched Meredith for a while as she slept. She looked relaxed in her sleep. Just holding her in his arms again was an amazing feeling, until he had gotten it back, he hadn't known how much more restful his sleep was with Meredith in his arms. When he had kissed sleeping her goodbye and whispered I love you before sneaking out, she had mumbled something which to him sounded suspiciously like me too. She had definitely mumbled me too. It wasn't quite I love you yet but she was getting there. For her to say me too, she had to feel it.

"You're skipping." Addison said as she walked into the elevator with him. She was already in scrubs, her hair in disray.

"Long night?"

"Got paged in at 4am for an emergency c-section."

"The attending on call couldn't handle it?"

"Triplets at 26 weeks. The Mom was in a car crash."

"Did they all make it?"

"Mom woke up an hour ago, I am on my way to her now. The babies." his ex-wifes voice hitched. "One died in utero, I am not sure if the other two are going to make it either. They are so tiny, and already they have so many problems."

"I'm sorry."  
"Yeah... just a few hours ago she was halfway on her way to be a mom of three and now... I hate days like these. Tell me something else. You must have had a damn good morning for you to skip."

"I wasn't skipping."

"Yes you were. The last time I've seen you walking like this was when Sophie had her last baby and not only made you godfather but named him after your Dad and you." Derek smiled.

"It's nothing really, just something Mer said."

"What could she have said to make you skip? Don't answer that. I don't really want to know what you two whisper to each other." Derek laughed. Addisons face grew serious again. "I don't want to burst your happy bubble, but everyone thinks you're having an affair with Izzie Stevens."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. But apparently it involves you taking her lingerie shopping."

"Shit."

"You took her lingerie shopping?"

"She used to be a lingerie model and I need expert advice?"  
"Try not to make it sounds like a question the next time someone asks you. Why not ask the salesperson in the shop?"

"Because I had very little idea despite my research. I would have gone to Victoria's Secret."

"There's nothing wrong with that."  
"But it's not the special kind of lingerie you want to get your girlfriend as I was told yesterday. With what I spent on lingerie yesterday, I could probably feed a small country."

"You're exaggerating."

"Of course I am, but I had no idea you could spent $300 on a bit of lace."

"You did get the good stuff."

"I did." Derek was silent. "That was very Twilight Zone."

"I know. Before everything though, we were to be friends."

"Not this kind of friends."

"God no, never again."

"I don't understand this hospital. Don't they have anything better to do?"

"Than spread the word about the amazing McDreamy falling from grace. Again. I don't think so. Don't you have rounds with Bailey's interns today."

"Joy."

"Talk to you later. Have fun."

Izzie Stevens didn't meet his eyes once during the whole time they did rounds. Derek would have laughed, hadn't he been so annoyed. He knew by now that someone had seen them in the lingerie store and hadn't wasted any time to tell everyone in the hospital so it wasn't Izzie's fault. It was just dumb luck. It was satisfying in a dark twisted way to see how Izzie handled all the attention, she had brought it onto himself and Meredith often enough with her inability to keep her mouth shut. But it was also terribly annoying and he just wanted to do his work and then go home to Meredith.


	27. All Love

**So, season nine has started... Thoughts?**

**As always, special thanks to those who reviewed :-)**

"Mer?"

"Upstairs." she yelled. Hastily she kicked off the covers she had huddled beneath for warmth as she had waited for Derek to come home and knelt on the bed.

"You wouldn't believe my day to..." the words died on his tongue as he froze in the doorway. "Mer." he sounded breathless.

"Like what you see?" she had decided this afternoon to at least try on the lingerie he had gotten her and surprisingly she felt sexy. Wearing it, you couldn't tell the difference to before. Of course they'd both know and she'd never worn lingerie before, but if she pretended it was just for fun, she could just roll with it. To be honest, if she didn't have cancer, she'd already have sex with him again. It had been so long since they had gotten back together and it had been months since she had last sex with Derek. She missed him and the way he could make her feel whenever they made love.

"You look... wow." He made no move to come closer.

"Are you just going to stand there and look at me?" she beckoned him closer. "Unless you don't..." she couldn't finish the sentence before he had her in his arms, his mouth moving urgently against hers.

"Are you sure, because..." he panted when they finally broke the kiss to come up for air.

"No pressure, I know. I am sure, I want this, I need this."

"Good." he kissed her again, devouring her. Meredith closed her eyes, molding her body against his. His warmth and smell surrounded her, making her feel safe. His touches were so tender and familiar, they made her body tingle like no one else ever could. She sank her hands into his hair.

"Mer." he breathed, his voice almost reverent. It made her heart ache. Ever since they had gotten back together Derek hadn't made it a secret how much he loved and adored her. It shone through in everything he did. He was as perfect as man could be and yet, Meredith hadn't told him she loved him. It wasn't that she didn't love him, she had loved him for forever and she had never stopped. Only, telling him was scary and so she had to let him know the only way she could. She needed to do this, she needed to show him. Meredith wrapped her body around his, pressing them closer together. She arched her back, tilting her head back so Derek had better access to her neck. His hands wandered her body in a lustful haze. Slowly, she ground her body against his erection. This felt good, she shouldn't have worried. They were good at this part.

"Too many clothes" she murmured and he obediently lifted his arms so she could take of his sweater. His fingers grazed her breast as they wandered down her body, wrapping around her butt. Before she could help herself, her body stiffened. He hadn't touched them so far, probably subconsciously ignoring the elephant in the room. What was more upsetting? Him touching her breasts or him ignoring them?

"What's wrong." he whispered into her skin.

Meredith swallowed "Nothing." Nothing was wrong. She just had to power through it. She grasped his hair, pulling his head back up so she could kiss him. This had to work, this had to be good. The tingle in her body, the way just Derek could make her feel was vanishing, being replaced with something between nausea and dread. Meredith pushed Derek back, so she was on top of him, straddling him. Control would help. She couldn't let cancer and her fears control her. Meredith's hands shook as she moved to unbutton Derek's shirt. It wasn't the good kind of shaking, the one signalling impending orgasms and seemingly endless pleasure. Meredith bit her lip in frustration at herself. She was a failure, she couldn't even have sex with her boyfriend anymore.

"Meredith." The damn buttons just didn't want to open. "Meredith." If the shirt wasn't going to come off, then they'd have to do it with him half dressed, Meredith decided as she ground her hips over his erection again. She felt the prominent bulge between her legs, his erection in what looked painful straining against the fabric of his pants. It should have felt wonderful, but all Meredith could think about was how he had grazed her breast.

"Damn it." she cursed as another button slipped from her grasp before she could slid it through its hole. She was a goddamn surgeon, unbottoning a shirt wasn't that big a deal. Only she wasn't even a proper surgeon and the last time she had seen an OR other than as a patient had been a lifetime ago.

"Meredith, stop."

"No!" Just power through it, Meredith. It was a bit like her first time, she just had to power through it and it would open the door to a world full of pleasure. His hands wrapped around hers, stilling her movement.

"You look like you're about to cry, Mer."

"Am not."

"Tell me what's wrong." Now he looked hurt. This wasn't how this evening was supposed to go.

"I said nothing is wrong." Meredith snapped.

"Obviously something is, because five minutes ago we were happily making out, then you were about to cry and now you're snapping."

"Just stop talking and fuck me already."

"No."

"Can't you for once just be a man and take what you want instead of being so damn perfect all the time." He grabbed her hips, lifting her off him.

"Once you tell me why you were about to cry." He wasn't touching her. He was always touching her, always cuddling up to her in bed. She had really hurt him and that wasn't what was supposed to happen. This had been meant to show him how much she loved him and instead she had achieved the exact opposite. Meredith fought the urge to curl up into herself and cry. She couldn't show weakness. She had to convince Derek that everything was allright and that she hadn't been about to cry. Derek shifted uncomfortably next to her.

"You were shaking so bad, you couldn't unbutton my shirt." he said quietly into the room.

"I just really wanted to have sex."

"Don't lie to me."

Meredith reached out to touch his arm, but he flinched away from her touch. She swallowed heavily. "I am not lying." Derek rolled away from her and got up.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't stay here." His face showed hurt, but also confusion and betrayal.

"Derek..."

"Goodnight Meredith." The door fell shut behind him. He was leaving. Meredith bit her lip hard, trying to feel anything but the overwhelming need to burst into tears. She had wanted this to be perfect, and she had ruined it all. She hadn't just ruined tonight, she had ruined everything. He had walked out on her.

It had taken hours, but at some point Meredith had cried herself to sleep. It was achingly familiar. Back when Derek had first left, those nights she hadn't self-medicated with Jose and boys, she had spent countless nights crying herself to sleep. She woke up when the mattress shifted under her.

"Derek?"

"Ssshhh, go back to sleep." He gathered her in his arms. His skin was cold and clammy as if he had sat outside in the rain for too long.

"'m sorry." she murmured, cuddling into him. He had come back. It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted of her and she could breathe more easy now.

"I know." He sighed. His hand ran through her hair, gently soothing her back to sleep.

* * *

He pressed kisses all along her naked shoulder. His morning wood fit snuggly against her butt, hot and pulsating. Meredith ground into it, intensifying the contact. Molten heat was gathering in her core, spreading out through her body, making her toes curl and her breath come in heavy pants.

"You awake?" he asked, his voice husky

"Yes." Meredith moaned as his hand slipped between her legs, teasing her panty-covered center. Pushing the panties aside, he circled her her opening and clit, teasing her but never entering her or touching it. He worked her into a frenzy before finally entering her for the first time in months. Meredith sighed happily. It was slow and tender and she had missed it. And as the sun rose above Seattle they finally became one again.

"Good morning." Meredith turned around and nuzzled his chest.

"Good morning." She captured his lips in a kiss, exploring his mouth. She poured everything into that kiss, everything she had meant to show him the night before. When the need for air finally became too great, he looked slightly dazed.

"Kiss me like this every morning and I might never want to get up."

"How long until you have to go to work?"

"An hours."

"You have to get up then. I'll make breakfast."

"You make breakfast?"

"Coffee." Meredith corrected herself. "And I can pour that crap you call breakfast."

"Muesli, Meredith. It's called Muesli."

"And no one but you actually eats it."

"Plenty of people eat it." he grinned at her, kissing her again. "I love you."

"Hmmm." Meredith hummed, cuddling closer against him. Everytime she thought of telling him, her throat closed up and she felt like she was choking on the words.

"Let's get up."

"Do we have to?" she snuggled closer into him. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly for a moment.

"Do you want children?" he blurted out. Meredith coffee cup shattered in a hundred pieces.

"What? No, we're not talking about this. You said we'd go slow." she ranted as she went looking for the broom to clean up the shards.

"I know but..."

"You just got divorced, like yesterday. We only got together just now. We just had sex for the first time since Addison showed up this morning. You don't get to ask me about children!"

"Meredith."

"Oh god, there was something wrong with the condom, right?"

"There was nothing wrong with the condom." Derek sighed. "I am only asking..."

"Because we'd be in so much trouble."

"You're not pregnant and I'm not planning on knocking you up, but."

"There's no but about it. We're not talking about babies! If you count the time we've been together it's barely been three months in total. And two of those you were married!"

"We need to talk about it."  
"No we don't. Not any time soon."

"Yes Meredith, it really can't wait." He was getting frustrated but she was completely stonewalling him.

"You said we'd go at my pace, that it's about what I want. And I say we're not talking about this." the annoying beep of Derek's pager interrupted them.

"I need to go to work."

"Good, then we can stop talking about this."

"Fine." The door fell shut behind him. What the hell was that man thinking? Talking about children. They weren't ready to have that talk yet, not even close.

* * *

"Shouldn't you be happy?"

"Why should I be happy?" Meredith snarled at Izzie.

"You had wake-up sex this morning."

"How do you...? I don't even want to know how you know what goes on in my bedroom."

"I wanted to ask you something and was about to knock when I overheard you. I didn't mean to. I'm just wondering why you aren't all post-orgasm happy."

"Why is Mer not all post-orgasm disgusting?" Cristina walked into the living room.

"I don't know, I was just asking her."

"We had a fight."

"About what? Was he too perfect? Did he give you too many orgasms?" Izzie scoffed.

"About babies."

Cristina spit out her drink. "You fought about parasites?"

"Cristina." Izzie scolded. "Why did you fight about babies."

"Because he asked if I want to have children. I was all happy and high on orgasm and he freaking asks if I want children."

"Ass."

"Seriously. The ink on his divorcepapers is barely dry. He can't ask me that. Especially not right after sex."

"Maybe he thought the orgasm turned your brain into mush and you'd say yes."

"That wasn't very smart of him." Izzie agreed.

"So stupid. The only semi-serious relationship I ever had and he asks me if I want children. Out of the blue. Right after sex." Meredith had had the whole day to think about it and stew and the more time passed the angrier she had gotten. How dare he to just spring that on her and then leave for work. And then he didn't even come home. His shift had been over hours ago.

"What an ass."

"Seriously."

"Have you thought that maybe he didn't mean it that way and he was only trying to look out for you?" Alex asked from were he was flicking through FHM.

"Shut up?"

"Why, Izzie and Cristina were allowed to say something."

"Well, you have a penis, you don't get to have an opinion."

"Sure be that way. That man would cut his legs of if he thought that made you happy, give him a break."

"I said shut up, Alex."

"You just don't want to hear what I have to say because I don't agree with you."

"No. I don't want to hear what you have to say because you're a stupid boy penis."

"She's right Evil Spawn. Why don't you keep looking at your women and let us talk."

"So you two can encourage her? Yeah, he's the ass that left Meredith but he's also the guy that has barely left her side since she first thought she had cancer. You have cancer, Mer."

"Thanks for telling me, Alex. I had forgotten, it's not like I stare at the scar every day."

"Maybe he just meant if you generally had thought about what chemo means for you, Mer. You're not stupid. It could mean infertility if no precautions are taken. He probably just wanted to ask you about that."

"Well, he could have said that." Meredith protested. The door fell shut loudly and Derek stormed past them up the stairs.

"I guess I should talk to him then..." Meredith gnarled on her lip, unsure what do to.

"Or you could stay down here with us." Cristina suggested.

Meredith hesitated. She had know idea what the right thing to do was, but she wanted to back to that perfect half an hour this morning before their fight when he held her close in bed. Making up her mind she walked up the stairs.

"I didn't think you would come."she said, leaning against the door, watching Derek change.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"You shift ended ours ago."

"Emergency surgery."

"Can we talk?"

"I'm going to bed now."

"It's not that late."

"I have an early start."

"Please Derek?"

"I am tired Meredith." he snapped. "This morning you said you don't want to talk so drop it."

"I was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm ready to listen what you have to say now."

"Well I don't want to talk any more."

"Stop pouting and talk to me."

"Good night Meredith." she watched him climb into bed, turning his back to her.

"Fine, be an ass." she said curtly.

"Fine." he snapped back. Meredith walked out of her room, swallowing back tears. She was not going to cry any more tears about Derek, she had shed way too many already since she had met him. How had they gone from perfectly happy a day ago to the brink of being over in such a short time.

**The mcperfect McDreamy is currently taking a vacation... Read and review please.**


	28. Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know

**A/N I apologize for the delay but I had deadlines and University was kicking my ass. I am all caught up on work now, so I'll try to do better.**

**The babytalk continues, among other things. In the very first draft of this story, a year ago, the baby thing came up way earlier and ended with a still married Derek "donating" his sperm to inseminate Merediths eggs before freezing (Can you imagine. "Honey, how was your day?" "Good. By the way, there are a dozen frozen embryos that are half me, half Meredith if she ever wants to have children. Hope you don't mind." Awkward :p ) I like this version better.**

**I don't think you will be happy with this chapter. **

"What's that?"

"Breakfast in bed."

"You made pancakes?"

"Yeah." Derek shifted awkwardly.

Meredith sipped her orange juice. "Do you have to work today?"

"No, I took the day of, your doctors appointment with Dr. Cox is today, remember."

"You don't have to come with me."

"I always go to your appointments with you."

"Well you don't have to any more."

"I want to."

"Do you?"

"Of course. I said in the beginning I would, I am not going to stop now."

"Well things change. I don't want you there."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"We had a fight. Couples fight. They get mad at each other, they yell and then they make up."

"I tried. You were an ass."

"It might come as a surprise to you, but the world doesn't revolve around you. Not even mine." he snapped.

"I never said it did!"

Derek sighed. He was being unfair."I lost a patient."

"I'm sorry."

"She was the prettiest little girl. They were on their way to the hospital to pick up the Mom. The car went of the road when the dad had an epileptic seizure. He was DOA. Megan, that was her name, she died on my table. There was just too much damage. I went to tell the Mom. She was in the waiting room, yelling on her husbands mailbox because he was late picking her up and she just really wanted to hold her little girl. She has AML and just had a bone-marrow-transplant. She was so mad at her husband for not being on time and I had to tell her that her husband and her little girl were gone."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know." she wrapped her arms around him.

"She..." Derek swallowed. "I had to sent her up to psych. She was fighting for her girl and her husband, for their future and with them gone, where was the sense to keep fighting. I... she was going to..."

"Ssshhh."

"She called me a liar and she didn't believe me and when she did, she just..." Derek searched for the right word. "died before me eyes. All fight just left her and she gave up. If I could have just saved Megan."

"You did everything you could."

"You don't know that. Maybe there was something..."

"You said yourself, there was too much damage. We can't save everyone, Derek, you know that. You were her surgeon. If you couldn't save her, than she was beyond anyone's ability to save." he finally reciprocated her hug, holding her as tightly as she held him.

"I'm sorry I was mean last night."

"It's okay, I didn't know you lost a patient."

"I just wanted to be left alone last night."

"Why did you came here then?"

"I wanted to come home. In my head we'd curl up in our bed and everything would go away. Instead you were having fun downstairs and... I'm their boss, they can't see me like that." Derek bit his tongue. He hadn't meant to talk about home and their bed. It would only scare her off.

"Like what?"

"Shaken. I just wanted to lie in bed and hold you."

"Why didn't you say so."

"You wanted to talk and I couldn't talk last night."

"You could have said so."

"I did. You got mad."

"Because you didn't tell me why."

"So it's okay for you to get mad when I want to talk but you don't, but it's not okay for me to get mad when you want to talk but I don't?"

"I didn't say that. I shouldn't have gotten mad but listened to what you had to say. You blindsided me with the talk about children. I am willing to talk now if you still want to talk."

Derek sighed. "I want to be a Dad, since I can remember I wanted to have a family. And I know you're not ready to talk about this, I understand that, but you're starting chemo soon and only a third of woman are able to conceive afterwards."

"I know."

"You have thought about this?"

"Yes, but because of the hormone receptors of my tumour, Dr. Cox and the Oncologist say it's too dangerous to harvest my eggs." She had thought about it, she had even asked about it.

"There have been trials by surgically removing ovarian tissue and then implanting it later when you're ready to have children."

"I don't want another surgery, especially an experimental one. I don't even know if I want children."

"If you don't know, then why aren't you trying to preserve your fertility, so you can make up your mind later?"

"I have crappy genes, Derek. My Mom has Alzheimer's. I have cancer. Who'd want a child with me?"

"I'd want to."

"I'm not doing that." she shook her head. "I am not planning my maybe-babies on a future with you."

"We're talking about freezing tissue, not freezing embryos. I... You still don't trust me. You won't plan for the future because you think I won't be there." She said nothing. Derek swallowed.

"Okay." he rubbed his face tiredly. "I'm uhm, your doctors appointment is at three. Are you okay to drive yourself there? There... I have to go to the trailer."

"Derek..."

"I see you later." he walked out on her, before she had time to put the tray away and get up.

Derek bit his lip tightly until he drew blood. It's... weeks, it had been weeks and nothing had changed. He would tell her he loved her and she would hum or kiss him or change the topic. How long was he expected to hold onto her?

* * *

"You're here."

"I am."

"I said I don't want you here."

"I thought you might change your mind."

"I didn't."

"So, I won't have to go inside. I can wait here for you."

"Derek, go home."

"So this is it?"

"What?"

"We fight and you end this, whatever this is?"

"I"

"Because I love you, and I am willing to fix us. Do you love me too or is this you letting me go easy? If you know you don't love me, I'd rather you admit it now and let me go than keep using me as your crutch only to move on to someone better once you're cured." He was desperate, she needed to give him something, only a little bit to keep on hoping there'd be a future for them. That he had not destroyed all when he chose Addison.

"Doctor Grey, Doctor Cox is now ready for you."

"Go home, Derek." he watched her walk away, trying his best to breeze. This was it, it was over. 24 hours ago they had been happy and in love, she had been curled up in his arms after an amazing round of love-making and now he was watching her walk away from him. 24 hours between happiness and despair. He hadn't felt this heartbroken since... he had left Meredith for Addison but that had been of his own choice and he hadn't had any right to feel that way. This time, Meredith had left.

* * *

He had moments, feelings where he knew that something was about to happen, where he knew that his life was about to change. When he stepped out of the shower, his eyes fixated on his bed, he knew exactly how this was going to play out. He tied the towel around his waist in haste. The door to the trailer opened.

"I know I said I didn't..." Meredith stepped into the room. For a moment everything was silent. "Seriously? Seriously!" Like a mirage, almost as soon as she had appeared, Meredith was gone already.

**I am pretty sure I have written myself into a corner with this chapter as it was so not going the way I had planned it and I'll have to revisit my outline. Oh well... I have a week to figure it out. Leave feedback, please.**


	29. (Our Love) Don't Throw It All Away

**A/N I had a semi-serious case of writers block for this chapter. It just refused to be written. Some encouragement would be nice. **

**All dialogue you recognize is borrowed from Grey's Anatomy. **

"So that was your slutty Intern you cheated on Addison with.?"

"Shut up Nancy! She's not slutty. What are you doing here?"

"You bailed on Thanksgiving. And Christmas. And you live in a trailer. And you're getting a divorce. And then there is the slutty intern."

"I really don't like you."

"You love me."

"Doubtful at the moment. You mind waiting outside. I need to get dressed and take care of this."

"We haven't seen each other in months and you can't even make time to talk to me."

"Nancy! I am wearing a towel here."

"So? You're my brother, it's not like I haven't seen it before."

"It doesn't count when it was while I was still in diapers."

"Be a prude then. I'm going back to the hotel. We talk tomorrow. Don't think you can avoid me. Kathleen called me. If you don't talk to me, the rest of the family is flying out. I was the only one able on short notice, otherwise Kathleen would have come herself."

"Look Nancy, sorry for not calling but I really need to go."

"Fine, go."

* * *

The door to the Casa de Grey was unlocked as usual. Derek hesitantly stepped inside. He didn't know what expected him. If Meredith had shared what had happened, or at least how it must have looked from her perspective, he could expect Cristina Yang to be around with a rusty scalpel to castrate him. No one was downstairs, so he walked up the stairs to Merediths room.

"Meredith?"

"GO AWAY!"

"Not before I talked to you."  
"I don't want to talk to you!"

"Meredith..."  
"What part of go away don't you understand?"

"I understand it allright, but you owe it to us to listen to me."

"There is no us. I was going to... but you had that, that..." Meredith was searching for a word.

"She is my sister, Mer."

"Oh... well I don't care."

"Meredith."

"No, Derek. This... it isn't good for me. I need to concentrate on kicking cancers ass. I can't do that when I am too caught up in our drama."

"Meredith."

"Derek, please." This wasn't good. She had fought with him and broken up before coming to her senses and going to his place only to find him naked and a woman on his bed. Obviously she had jumped to conclusions, irrational as they may have been. It's not like Derek could have had another wife hidden somewhere. But now he was here, talking to her and it was really no good. She was damaged, too broken.

Derek sighed. "You're not ready yet and that's okay. You're just starting out and your life is a mess right now." he stroked her cheek. "If you think about it though, you wouldn't be this mad, it wouldn't hurt this much if you didn't feel something for me still. Just remember, I love you." He pressed his lips against her forehead. "I'm going to leave now, I'm not going to force my company on you. When you're ready, let me know." Walking away was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. But there was no other choice left. Either she wanted to be with him, then she'd come to him again and they could give this a real try. And if she didn't... he'd just had to learn how to live without her.

* * *

"When are you flying back to Connecticut?"

"Wow, Derek I really feel loved. I flew all the way out here because we're worried about you and all you can think about is how soon I'll be leaving?"

"I have a lot going on at the moment."

"Like getting a divorce?"

Derek laughed dryly. Compared to everything else, his divorce was a walk in the park.

"I'm serious Derek, you haven't called any of us but Kathleen in months. You even timed your call on Christmas so it would be on the machine instead of talking to us. Mom is heartbroken. If Kathleen had found someone to cover her patients she'd have flown out herself. What the hell are you talking to Kathleen about that she's so worried she'd sent me out?"

Derek groaned. "I told Kath not to worry. If I promise to call you more often, will you leave?"

"Not before you talk to me. I have a mother at 34 weeks in Connecticut, do you know where her OB is?"

"On her way back home?"

"On the other side of the country taking care of her stupid baby brother."

"I didn't ask you to fly out here and I certainly don't need you to take care of me."

Nancy sighed.

"Tell me about the slutty girl." Derek raised his eyebrows. "Fine, the slutty Intern."

"It's the slutty part I have a problem with. She's amazing, she's smart, she's a lot of things."

"Didn't look like things were going too well the way she stormed out."

"Yeah, well things are a bit messy at the moment."

"It's already not working anymore, so you got divorced for nothing?"

"I didn't get divorced for Meredith, I got divorced because I didn't love my wife anymore. If I hadn't met Meredith when I came out here, I would have gotten divorced anyways."

"Everyone makes mistakes, Addison made a mistake. And let's be honest, who hasn't slept with Mark."

"Shut up. It wasn't a mistake. She stayed with him. She aborted his baby."

Nancy swallowed. "I didn't know."  
"So just shut up if you don't know what you're talking about."

"Derek, seriously though, we're your family. We deserve better than to be cut-off with Dad and Amelia..."

"I already sat I'd call more often." Derek was barely able to stop himself from uttering a thank god when his pager went off. "Gotta go, work."  
"Go, be an important surgeon."

* * *

"You sent Nancy out?"

"Hello to you too brother."

"Kath, you sent Nancy." Derek whined.

"I told her to be nice."

"Well she wasn't. She's Nancy. Why did you sent her out? I told you not to worry."

"You're my baby brother. It's my job to worry about you. Nancy too. You moved across the country with barely a word as to why"

"I am 40 years old, I can take care of myself. And you know why I left."

"I know, I know you just couldn't stay. You know it's not healthy to..."

"Kath, talking to your brother not your patient."

"Sorry."

"Yeah, well don't do it again. If I wanted to be analysed I'd talk to a shrink I am not related to."

"You know you can tell me everything." Derek snorted.

"But not without being judged. Since you know, apparently I need my big sisters to make sure I don't screw up my life."

"You just got divorced."

"Best damn decision I made since I decided to go home with the pretty blonde."

"Derek."

"You didn't hear that."

"But I did. I assume you mean Meredith." Derek sighed. He hadn't planned on telling his family on how exactly he and Meredith had met for the first time.

"Yes."

"Hmmm."

"Kathleen." Derek said warningly

"I am not judging."

"You better not."

"I'd like to meet her."

"You will... in a decade or so when I convinced her that not all my sisters are like Nancy." Derek corrected himself in his mind. If she was around for his family to meet. You don't introduce ex-girlfriends to your family. His sister laughed. His family didn't need to know yet. There was nothing really to tell.

"Now be honest. You didn't call my because I sent out Nancy."

"Actually I did. Nancy being Nancy did her best to screw this up for me."

"I am sure she didn't mean to."  
"Well but she did. So thank you for meddling. I swear you and Nancy become more like Mom every day."

"You're such a bastard."

"Hey!"

"I have to go, Derek. I have a patient in five minutes."

"Okay. Talk to you later. And call off Nancy."

"We mean well."

"I know, Kathleen. Give everyone my love."

"Family trouble?" a female voice asked behind him.

"Excuse me?" stupid nose hospital.

"I couldn't help but overhear you talking. I just ended my engagement. It's not the same but... it sucks when your family thinks they know better than you do."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Rose. I scrubbed in in dozens of your surgeries."

"Have you? Huh?" Derek shrugged. He was a nice guy but in the last few months his life was way to dramatic to get to know every damn nurse's name.

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	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. I usually reply to every signed review, but I haven't had time yet, so know I appreciate and am thankful for every review. There is little better than coming home after annoying classes to find an inbox full of thoughts about what I've written.**

It was dark when she sneaked into the trailer. It felt wrong to be here, like she was some sort of creepy stalker. She hadn't been able to sleep, not since she had broken up with Derek. It had been Addison all over again, when first she had him and then suddenly she was alone. Only this time he had done nothing wrong, all he had done was love her and she had treated him like dirt. She leaned against the wall for a moment, watching him sleep. He was curled up around a pillow in the bed that looked much too big for him. He looked vulnerable and deep lines were etched into his face. He was frowning. She had never seen him frown in his sleep. He was tense even in sleep and she had done this to him.

"Meredith." She tensed. Crap. He was awake and he had seen her. "Don't, Meredith, please." He was dreaming, Meredith realized, and from the looks of it, it wasn't a good dream. She wasn't sure what to do. She couldn't let him suffer though, even when it was in his dreams, when everything was her fault.

"Please, I love you. I'm sorry." he half sobbed. Meredith bit her lip. Had he always talked in his sleep and had she just never noticed or was this her doing? She sat down next to him, careful not to jostle him. Resting her hand on his chest, like she knew he liked, she hoped to calm him without waking him up. When had the lines on his forehead become so deep? She rubbed his chest. His eyes opened, glassy from sleep and she could see that his tired, sluggish mind tried to make sense of what was going on.

"Go back to sleep" she whispered. She needed him to fall back asleep, then she could leave and to him it would all be a dream in the morning.

"Love you so much." he mumbled as his eyes closed again.

"I know." She pressed her lips into his hair, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Y're here."

"I'm here." The tears were running down her face. The tension left his body and the deep lines on his face relaxed. She climbed into bed with him. It would be okay, she would be gone by the time he woke up next morning. A subtle smile was now gracing his face. He held her like a teddy bear when his arms wrapped around her tightly.

"Hmmmm." She had to be gone by the time he woke up tomorrow. She was too broken for him, the only thing she'd do was hurt him more. Happily Ever Afters weren't for people like her, they were poisonous and should be looked away where they couldn't infect happy people with their misery. It would all be a dream to him, he hadn't properly woken up, he wouldn't remember.

* * *

Something was wrong. This wasn't her bed. Meredith's eyes flew open. Crap. Derek wasn't sleeping next to her anymore. Double crap.

"Good morning." She looked up. He was leaning against the wall in the hall, watching her and occasionally sipping on his coffee.

Meredith swallowed. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"What do you want me to say?" Meredith shrugged not meeting his eyes. "I had a dream last night that my girl..., ex-girlfried" he corrected himself "had come and sat with me and when I woke up this morning it wasn't a dream but she was really in my arms." Meredith picked at her fingernails.

"Look at me, please." Meredith shook her head, denying him. "Why are you here?"

"I don't know." When Meredith finally looked up his eyes were hard.

"You can't do that, Mer."

"I know."

"You broke up with me."

"I know!"

"Explain it to me, because I don't understand."

"I couldn't sleep."

"Okay, and?"

"I went for a drive and I just ended up here. I don't know what I was thinking when I went inside. But you had a bad dream and I couldn't just walk away."

"You should have. We can't do this in between thing. Either we are together or we are not." he sat down next to her, and the closeness warmed her.

"You looked like you were in so much pain and I don't want you to hurt."

Derek sighed. "I am going to hurt, you know that."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know you didn't. It's okay."

"It's not though."

"No you're right. It's not."

"I'm sorry."

"Waking up next to you and... It's not helping. It hurts worse."

"I didn't mean to."

"You should probably leave."

"Right, yeah of course. You don't want your creepy stalkerish ex-girlfriend here."

"You're not creepy or stalkerish." Meredith raised her eyebrow. "Well maybe it was a little creepy." Derek smiled briefly. "I can't handle you being here right now, not because you're creepy or a stalker but because you're my ex-girlfriend and seeing you? Right now it just makes everything hurt."

Meredith got up. Of course it hurt. She knew how much it hurt seeing your ex day in day out. How much it hurt to have him not leave you alone to heal.

"For what it's worth, I am truly sorry."

"I know." he stroked her cheek, his eyes a bit glassy. "I forgive you."

"Oh" she gasped throwing her arms around him. His arms were slow to wrap around her, like his body understood this was not supposed to happen anymore.

"Goodbye Meredith." He untangled her gently from him.

"Leaving, right." She could feel his eyes on her as she walked away. It wasn't too late, she could turn around, but she didn't. Whatever pain she, he, they felt now it was nothing against the pain that would come if they'd let this continue. She cried the whole way home.

* * *

"Meredith? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." she brushed away the tears hastily.

"Yeah, and now try again with the truth."

"I broke up with Derek."

"You what?" Izzie was speechless

"You broke up with Derek?" Cristina raised her eyebrow. Meredith crossed her arms in front of her defiantly.

"Yes."

"Why? What he'd do?"

"He didn't do anything."  
"He must have done something."

"No." Meredith sighed. "I am going to bed. I'm tired."

"It's 10 in the morning."

"I know what time it is." Izzie and Cristina followed her up the stairs and climbed into bed with her.

"Now tell us what he did."

"I said he didn't do anything! This is all on me, okay. Happy now?"

"What do you mean it is all on you?"

"It means that I broke up with him and that's all there is to it."

"But why? You're in love with him."

"Yeah... well sometimes love isn't enough. It's better this way."

"Iz, go get the Tequila."

"It's 10 in the morning!" Cristina rolled her eyes

"Fine, then go get Ice cream." Cristina waited until the door felt shut behind Izzie and locked the door before climbing into Meredith's bed.

"You know that it's a whole lot of crap, don't you?"

"What do you know?"

"Obviously not what really happened. Because this whole if love were enough is bullshit and I feel like I should kick your ass for it."

"Your my person!"

"Yeah, well as your person it's my job to tell you when I think you're stupid."

"I'm not stupid. It's not enough."

"Not in a heal-with-love Sydney kind of way, but sure in a everything just feels a bit better with you around."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "When did you become a fan of McDreamy?"

"I'm not but you said yourself you loved him and by what he's been doing it looks like he loves you too."

"There is just too much drama going on, too much water under the whatever for us to work."

"Since when? Because I'm pretty sure a few days ago you were on cloud nine."

"Yeah, well that just shows how naïve I was. Derek and I... it's better this way."

"Fine, do it your way. I just want it noted that this is bullshit and when he has half a dozen kids with perfect hair with some nurse and you regret letting him go, I will say I told you so."

"Why would he have kids with some nurse?"

"Because he's McDreamy. It was obvious that you'd get first dibs on him once his divorce was through but if you don't want him,he's fair game."

Meredith swallowed. "He deserves to be happy. Maybe some nurse can give him what he wants."

"Well, did he say he was unhappy."

"No, but he wants to be a dad, he said so himself. He doesn't want damaged goods."

"Is that what you think or what he said."

"He said he wants to be a dad."

"Doesn't sound like he wants you to leave him, more like he wants you to be the mother of his children. Crappy timing, I give you that, but still..."

"Just drop it, Cristina. I left Derek, okay! We're over."

"Fine." Cristina rolled her eyes. "I reserve the right to say I told you so, repeatedly."

"Yeah, yeah, no leave me alone."

* * *

"Word around the nurses station is Shepherd has a thing with a nurse." George said quietly.

"Well, for all we know all that happened was that they rode in the same elevator." Alex said.  
"Don't tell Meredith."

"Why? He's not so stupid to start a thing with a nurse when he's with Mer."

"I know you and Shepherd have a bromance going on these days, but Mer broke up with him and I doubt she wants to hear he moved on to the next woman after only a couple of days."

"We might have a bigger problem." Izzie joined in tersely.

"What?"

"Well, I overheard the Chief and Shepherd talking and he's going to New York next week."

"What do you mean going to New York?"

"I was distracted and Bailey kept giving me the evil eye, but the parts I overheard were that he's going to New York next week."

"But for how long?"

"Does it matter? Now that they're broken up it might be better for Meredith if he weren't here."

"Only they're Meredith and Derek, and seriously were they ever really apart?"

Her friends voices faded to the background as Meredith slid onto the floor. Nurses! New York! She knew to take the hospital gossip with a grain of salt but within every rumour was a tiny bit of truth, and god what had she done?

**Don't forget to leave a review :-)**


	31. Chapter 31

**What is the age difference between Derek and Amelia? Were we ever told? **

Derek didn't want to be here, but it was not like he could go anywhere else with this. He rang the doorbell. It was awkward. He never rang the doorbell, everyone always just walked in. No one opened so he tried the door. It was open.

"Hello?" He turned around to his companion. "You better be on your best behaviour!"

"Derek? What are you doing here?" Her eyes were red-rimmed.

"Meredith." he breathed, stepping forward. He wanted to hug her so badly and make her feel better, but before he could do it, or could talk himself out of it, Doc ran forward, jumping Meredith.

"DOC!" Derek snapped. "We talked about this. This is not your best behaviour. Sorry." he watched as Meredith petted their dog, obviously happy to see Doc, far more happy that she was to see him.

"It's fine. He's my dog too."

"That he is. And that's why I am here. I am going to New York, so Doc needs a sitter."

"New York?" She was watching him carefully, he knew she was.

"Yes."

"For uh... how long. Just so, you know, how long Doc is here."

"I'm not sure yet. A week maybe longer. If I stay longer I'll give you a call to see if you're alright with keeping him longer."

"Where else would he go?"

"I don't know, I would have figured something out."

"He's my dog, too."

"So you said."

"Er... you're going to New York?"

"It's my Mom's birthday. Apparently after not coming home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I can't miss Mom's birthday or the Clan will fly out here."

"And you don't want that?"

"No" Derek laughed. "Nancy was quite enough."

"Looking forward to see all you sisters?"

"Looking forward to see my nephews and nieces more."

"You love your sisters."

"Of course I love them, but they're so over involved in my life when they get the chance."

They were silent. Derek ran his hand through his hair. The silence was getting uncomfortable.

"I need to go. Are you sure you're okay to take Doc for the week?"

"I can take care of my dog." Meredith snapped.

"I know you can, I didn't mean... I just get his stuff from the car."

"Thank you. Doc? Doc where are... Doc no! Just leave his stuff here in the hall."

"Meredith."

"Not now, Derek."

He sighed. "I'll pick up Doc in a week."

* * *

"Hi Mom. Happy Birthday."

"Derek!" For the first time since he had fled across the country his mother's arms wrapped around him. "What are you doing here?"

"It's your birthday, Mom, where else would I be?"

"Are you alone."

"Yes." Derek rolled his eyes. Subtlety wasn't really a family trait.

"Why didn't you bring your Intern?"

"Meredith doesn't get time off that easily. She is an Intern." it was just a little white lie. He didn't feel like telling his family that Meredith had left him. First his wife cheated, then his girlfriend left.

"Yes, Nancy mentioned she's young."

"Not that young. It's only eight years."

"So she finished High School when you finished Med School, classy Derek."

"Shut up Amelia."

"Robbing the cradle, huh?"

"Eight years is hardly robbing the cradle. See Kath, this is why I don't call anyone."

"You were gone for almost a year and you don't tell anyone anything, what do you expect."

"You know what, I am talking to the kids. They like their Uncle Derek."

"Oh stop whining, Derek. We like you too. When did you become so sensitive." Nancy rolled her eyes.

"Maybe I never realized what." Derek threw a quick look at his mother "How opinionated you guys are." His sisters rolled their eyes. "How's Hopkins treating you, Amelia?" Derek managed to keep smiling with a great effort. He loved this family, he really did. But the last time he had been here, he had been married and lived a, at least from the outside, perfect life. A year ago, he still had a brother, before his brother had slept with his wife. Everything had changed in the past year, he had changed. He slowly tuned out as his sisters chatted about their lives. He wished Meredith could be here with him.

* * *

"What are you doing out here, Derek?" the soft voice of his mother interrupted his thoughts.

"Thinking."

"About what?" she sat down next him on the porch.

"The complex nature of my existence." he smiled slightly. That's what he had said to Meredith when he told her he was her friend.

"I see." her voice was questioning. He wished he could tell his mother what was going on his head, but she wouldn't understand. She had been married to his father, and after his death, there had been no one. How could she possibly understand that he had fallen for another woman while still being married? That he wanted to be with her, that she made him happy even now, that he still believed they had to have a chance.

"My best friend has cancer." Because in the end, Meredith was still his best friend. She was all he had, even with all the heartbreak.

"How bad is it?"

"Stage II, 75% survival rate. But the chemo... it's bad, Ma. I didn't even want to come, but apparently your birthday is too important for me to miss."

"How's your friend handling it?" Derek sighed and stared into the darkness.

"Some days better, some days worse."

"Just be there, Der, that's all you can really do."

"I know. I just wish there'd be more I could do." he felt the gentle pressure of his mothers hand on his shoulder.

"Try to get some sleep." he nodded.

"Goodnight Ma."

"Goodnight Derek."

* * *

"Meredith?" Sobs reached his ears as he picked up his phone.

"Meredith!" she just cried harder. "Meredith! You're scaring me!"

"I'm fine." he sighed. She was always fine. "I'm..." he could hear her desperate gulps for air.

"Calm down, Meredith."

"Trying."

"Close your eyes. Imagine we're in our spot. We just shared a bottle of wine, watching the ferry boats. Can you see it?"

"yes." she breathed.

"Good." Derek smiled briefly before he remembered. "Meredith why are you calling?"

"I'm sitting here getting chemo for the first time and I... I missed you. Ever since I found out, I thought you'd be here."

"Meredith..."

"I know. It's my fault you're not here but in New York. Derek, I want you to come home. I want to be with you only I get scared and I run. I don't want to run but I don't know how to stop."

"Meredith."

"I need you to stop me from running. Please."

"Mer."

"I'm just so damn scared. You... you crushed me and I was just starting to figure out how to be without you when it all fell apart again. And... there was only ever you. I don't know how... We were perfect and then we were nothing."

Derek sighed. "We were never perfect. We were ever nothing either. We just... were."

"We just were?"

"You and me? It doesn't make sense and yet... most of the time it's the only thing that makes sense."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I'll be home Friday and then we can talk."

"Friday."

"I need to spent some time with my family. I haven't seen them in forever."

"I know, I just... I miss you."

"I miss you too. I'll be home soon, I promise."

"Will you come to my place when you're back?"

"I can do that."

**So yeah, I almost sent Derek to New York without telling where Doc went, and there I was trying to figure out how to have Mer and Derek talk to each other before Derek went to New York... It's kind of how I imagine having to hand over the kid at the other parent for a weekend after the ugly divorce when both are still madly in love which each other but don't know what to do about it.**

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	32. Tell Him

**It has been a while... sorry about that. **

**I had hoped to have this chapter earlier, but I kept adding stuff basically whenever I re-read it until it I felt it was done which took forever. **

**Is anyone else completely in love with Grey's Season 9?**

**A virtual cookie for everyone who recognises from where I borrowed the old Lady.**

**I wish everyone of my readers (of this story and my One-Shots) both those lurking and those reviewing a Very Merry Christmas (and in case I'm not back before) a Happy New Year.**

**Thank you all for following this story.**

"So the thing is, I am afraid Mom. And that's your fault too. I mean Daddy left us and you were never around... Of course he had a wife which he didn't tell me about until after she showed up and introduced herself to me. He is no longer married though and he takes good care of me. He says he loves me and I believe him."

"What happened to you?"

"Mom?"

"You shouldn't cry about a man Meredith. Men are no good, they only bring trouble."  
"But what if I love him?"

"Be strong Meredith, you need no man. He will only break your heart, they always do."

"But Mom..."

"I have surgery, do you have the labs I asked for?"

Meredith sighed. "Here Dr. Grey." Meredith grabbed a few papers of the table and gave it to her Mom. She shouldn't play along in her Mom's delusions but she was too exhausted to try to get her Mom to remember today.

"I see you soon, Mom."

"Yes, yes, Meredith, I don't have time now, I am working."

"I know Mom. You always are."

Meredith walked away from her mother, wiping her eyes. She didn't really know why she had thought it would be a good idea to talk to her mother, she hadn't been a good one when she had been healthy and now she was even worse.

Meredith sat down in the front hall, she just need a minute to calm down before she could drive home.

"Are you okay, darling?" a gnarly hand patted her knee.

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. It's always hardest for the little one's to visit us old folk on our way out."

Meredith laughed, she couldn't remember ever being called little one. "I guess so."

"Now, who are you here to visit?"

"Uh, my mother."

"Oh, you were a late surprise then? I myself had my youngest when I was forty. Today, it's nothing special, but back in the sixties, boy was I an old mother."

"No, uh, my mother has alzheimers, the early on-set kind."

"Oh dearie, then she doesn't remember you?"

"Rarely." Meredith had no idea why she was sharing her story with the old lady, but she just had something about her that made you want to share everything.

"I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. My late husband was diagnosed with alzheimers just a few months before he died, but he was just in the beginning stages so he still remembered most things."

"Your husband is dead?"

"Yes." the woman laughed slightly "Most people I knew are dead, it happens when you live such a long live that you know more dead than the living. He's been gone 10 years now, my Gilbert."

"How long were you married?"

"Almost 50 years. Raised seven children together."

"Did you love him?"

"Oh yes, I still do." the woman smiled softly. "Would you like to see a picture?"

"I'd like that."

"See, this is my Gilbert. And these are our children."

"They are beautiful. Do they come to visit you?"

"When they can. I always tell them they should spent their time better than visiting dear old me here, but they insist on coming, as do the grandchildren. I am so old, I even have great-grandchildren and even one great-great-grandchild already. Someone is always coming by."

"That must be nice, having such a big family."

"It is."

"Do you miss your husband?"

"All the time. When you spent so much time with someone and he's suddenly gone you get very lonely, especially my age when all your friends are more likely than not already dead. Do you have some one special in your life, darling?"

"I don't know? I might."

"Well, do you or do you not?"

"It's complicated."

"Oh, complicated is what you young kids like to call it when you're too afraid to go for it. I was too, and I almost lost him."

"How did you stop being afraid?"

"Well, he almost died and I suddenly knew I was put on this earth to be by his side and being without him and living my life without him scared me more than to take a chance and live whatever little time we were given together by his side. In the end, we had 50 years which was way more than I had ever dared to dream we'd have." the woman laughed "50 years and I still wasn't tired of loving him and being with him."

"So you were with him because being alone scared you more than being with him?"

"No darling, I was with him because being without him scared me more. That is not quite the same as being alone. Another man had asked for my hand not long before, but I turned him down."

"So it was worth it, even though you are alone now?"

"Oh, yes dear. It would have been worth it had he died the day I told him I loved him as long as he knew that. As cliché as it is, let me tell you it is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all and live a life full of regrets and what ifs."

A small girl came running up, stopping just short of crashing in the old lady."Nana, look what I made for you in school."

"Well, hello little one. Did you run away from your mother?"

"Mommy is coming, but she's slow because she's waddling. My brother is making Mommy fat and slow. Who are you?" the chubby faced girl looked at Meredith with interest. "You're not old like the other people here."

"This is... oh darling, I never introduced myself or asked for your name and here we were sharing our life stories. I'm Anne Blythe and this little darling here is my youngest grandchild Lily. Well at least until her brother will be born."

"I'm Meredith. Meredith Grey."

"Dr. Grey's daughter."

"You met my mother? I apologize if she did anything that offended you."

"Your mother is very sick, darling, I wouldn't think of taking anything to heart the poor woman said."

"I think it's the first time I ever heard anyone refer to my mother as a poor woman."

"Oh, but she is, she is missing all you are and all you still become."

"Thank you?"

Anne laughed. "You should go home to your man now. I am sure you'd rather be with him than with an old lady like me." she pressed Meredith's hand for a moment before patting her cheek and then turning her attention to her granddaughter.

"Mother?"

"Rilla, my dear. How are you and my grandson?" Meredith watched a heavily pregnant woman join what must be her mother and her daughter as she walked away. She wanted that. The question was, could she have it, did she even deserve it?"

* * *

It was late, way too late but he had promised Meredith he'd go by her place when he came home so he did just that. He pondered whether to ring the bell or knock, but it was late and Meredith had said he should just come over. As usual the door was unlocked. She was asleep in the living room. He watched her for a moment, she always looked so cute asleep. Derek sighed. There would be no talking tonight, but she had wanted him here, so it was probably okay to pretend for one more night. He walked up the stairs and pulled the covers back on the bed.

He picked Meredith up. She tensed up in his arms, starting to wake up.

"Ssshhh, it's just me, go back to sleep."

"Der... missed you." she mumbled, cuddling in his arms. In these moments between asleep and wakefulness she was always the least guarded. Once he almost had gotten an admission of love when she had mumbled a half a sleep me too in reply to his I love you, it had made him smile for hours before life had caught up with him.

"I missed you too Mer."

"N't go 'way again."

"I won't Meredith, not unless you tell me to." He climbed into the bed with her and she curled into him, already asleep again. The time with his family had been nice, but by the end of it he had been ready to come home to Meredith. They loved him, but it felt like they had a hard time figuring out Seattle him when they were so used to New York him.

* * *

"Shouldn't we get up and talk?" Meredith asked him quietly. She vaguely remembered falling asleep on the couch and then him coming home and leading her to bed. She had promised they'd talk but now they were lying in her bed, for once neither of them having to be somewhere else and he was absent-mindedly running his hand through her hair. It felt nice and who knew how long it would be before she lost her hair.

"We could talk here. Yeah..." Derek smiled. "This bed could be like our cocoon, nothing can harm us in here and we can talk about everything. And well... it's not like we can run away from each other when we're mostly naked."

"So whatever we say in here, stays here?"

"Yes."

"Okay." they were silent again. Communication really wasn't their strong point.

"How uh, was New York?"

"It was nice. The kids were happy to see me, Mom was just happy to see me, my sisters were annoying."

"You love them."

"Of course I do. They're my sisters, they're supposed to be annoying."

"I went to visit my Mom."

"How did that go?"

"Not to good. The alzheimers is progressing really fast, she's almost never there any more."

"I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

"It's okay. You got her into the clinical trial, it's not your fault alzheimers can't be healed yet."

"Maybe we can change that someday."

"Yeah." They had rolled into each other as they talked, her head resting above his heart, his arms enveloping her tightly.

"Tell me something no one else knows about you." Meredith was silent for a while. What could she tell Derek? There were so many things in her past he didn't know yet, that no one in her new life in Seattle knew about. But there was only really one thing that she had never told a soul about. But could she trust him with this? She had trusted him with her mothers secret before she had told any one else and he had made it okay. He always managed to make everything okay, like the weight of the world didn't rest on her shoulders. It came down to what it always came down to, could she trust him. She wanted to trust him with her heart, but she wasn't completely certain yet. One thing though she had always been able to trust him with were her secrets. Her mind made up, she started to talk.

"When I was five, just after Dad left, Mom brought a scalpel home from work." she buried her face in his chest. It was easier not to look at him and see the pity in his eyes. "She told me to be extraordinary, and then she slit her wrist. I sat in her blood until she passed out so I could call 911. I knew enough to apply pressure." she rushed to say, eager to finish.

"Meredith." Derek breathed. "How... I can't even imagine." When he had asked her to tell him something no one else knew he hadn't expected something like this.

"So now you know, my darkest secret I've never told anyone before, not even Cristina."

"My god, I don't even know..." he held her as tightly as possible.

"Don't pity me. It was a long time ago."

"It's... I'm not pitying you, Mer, but... I knew you had a bad childhood, but I had no idea. You're amazing."

"What?"

"What you went through... You had no one and yet you're here and you're strong and smart and successful. It could have been so easy for you to give up and..." She really was amazing. She had no idea how amazing she was, but he did. He could tell her this, because she had been able to tell him.

"My youngest sister Amelia, she overdosed as a teenager, she was dead for three minutes."

"Oh my god."

"She wasn't just experimenting, she was properly addicted. She crashed my car, stole my prescription pad to get her fix... I don't understand it. I mean I look at Amelia and then look at you. Amelia and I both saw Dad getting murdered, but I didn't do drugs or anything. And look at you, life threw so much crap at you, but you're still standing and you're still fighting. Even after Dad died and Mom had to work, she always made sure we had everything we needed. Sure, money was always a bit tight, but she always made sure we knew she loved us enough for her and Dad together. I remember one time, I must have been fifteen or so and Mom and I had this huge fight, didn't talk all day. She was working the nightshift that day and before she left she came up to my room like she always did when she had to work overnight. I remember being so, so mad at her and she told me it's okay, teenage boys were supposed to be mad at their mothers, but she loves me and she's proud of me. One bad thing happened to Amy, but she still had all of us and yet she almost killed herself with drugs. Then there is you who completely amazes me. So much went wrong in your life and you were completely alone, but you're so strong. If you had gone down that road, who could have blamed you, you were alone all your life. But you didn't, you made something of yourself."

"Derek." Meredith sighed. "Don't... I am not that amazing. If Mom hadn't gotten sick, who knows where'd I'd be now. After college I had no idea what to do with my life so I spent it partying. After a fight with my Mom I ran of to Europe for more boys and booze. I was never addicted and I would go without booze for weeks, but I sure liked to party hard. It was my way of coping, the boys and the bars."

"It's different though. Most party in college, that's just the way it is. Maybe you partied a bit harder than most but you didn't almost destroy your family with what you did."

"I don't have a family to destroy." Meredith pointed out.

"It's not the same, okay." Derek said forcefully.

"Where is Amelia now?"

"Finishing her residency at Johns Hopkins."

"So she's doing great?"

"She is."

"She did sort out her life then, turned it around and made something of herself."

"I guess she did."

Their hands were intertwined.

"I want to be with you. I don't know if I can trust you yet but I want to try, because you and me, we're good together. We... could be extraordinary." Meredith formulated her words carefully.

"Meredith." He breathed, pulling her close. "Are you saying, that..."

"I am still scared, too damn scared but I figure it means I've got something to loose or I wouldn't be so scared. So, yeah I guess I am asking, boyfriend?" She sat up to watch his reaction.

"That's not asking properly." his eyes twinkling madly.

"Oh, no? Then what's asking properly?" He pulled her onto him, so she was perched on his stomach.

"Meredith, will you be my girlfriend?"

She giggled at his mock serious face. "Maybe."

"Just maybe? And what do I have to do to make that a yes?"

"I don't know? How about... breakfast?"

He laughed with her. "I guess I can do that." She got up, grabbing her robe.

"Meredith?" He was suddenly serious.

"Yes."

"I know you're afraid but... trusting isn't easy for me either, so don't go breaking my heart okay?"

Meredith was silent for a moment, before holding out her hand for his to grab. "I won't."

"Good." He used her hand to pull her into him, kissing her softly. "Now I think I said I'd woo you with my amazing breakfast making abilities."

"Don't bother, I'm already wooed."

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	33. A Thousand Years

**It's fairly short and two days late, but better than nothing I guess. More, hopefully soon.**

Meredith was giddy. Derek was in her bed again. She had had a crabby day, but Derek was curled around her asleep. She couldn't sleep and that was bad because tomorrow she had her first twenty-four hour shift in forever but sleep didn't want to come.

It had been her first day back at work and it had been bad. She had come into work with Derek after a late breakfast and had been whisked away by Bailey for a meeting with the Chief right away.

No more duty in the pit, no working with infectious patients, no 48 hours shifts. She barely was a surgeon any more but at least she'd be allowed get the chance to cut and being in the hospital as a doctor was a million times better than being there as a patient. And anything was better than hanging around alone at home while everyone else was gone. She had done pre-ops and post ops today but for the first time since her life came crashing down again she had held a scalpel as she scrubbed in on an appendectomy. So it was okay that she was too giddy to sleep. She gently stroked Derek's arm and as if it were a reflex he pulled her closer to him.

Derek, it had been amazing today. For the first time ever, he was completely hers. No secret wives, no secrets at all, not at home and not at work. They had gone into work holding hands and then cuddled in the empty elevator before he had kissed her goodbye at the locker room and left to change himself. He had been so happy today that finally she had to put a rule in place that no kissing was allowed in the hospital because he kept sneaking kisses whenever their paths crossed.

For the first time in her life, she had a family. A real family that loved her and cared for her, with Cristina and Izzie, George and even Alex. And Derek of course, who had looked like she had promised him the moon when she had declared herself to be his. Derek who she loved. And suddenly, just knowing that she loved Derek wasn't enough anymore. She had to let him know too, because even if all would go to hell again when she told him, she had a family now and she'd never be alone again. She had survived before when Derek had left so she could do it again if it came to that. But why would it? He had chosen her, maybe not when she wanted him to but in the end when she needed him the most, hard to admit as it was, he had been there no question asked, no demands made.

She was strong, a survivor, fighting since she was five years old, all alone. She wasn't alone though, not anymore. And she didn't want to be, not anymore. Not now that Derek was by her side and truly hers. She wanted to come home and hide in his arms when it all became too hard, she wanted to laugh with him, she just wanted him, because she loved him. In the end, it was as simple as that.

"Derek." she turned in his arms so she faced him. "Derek, wake up."

"Whassup?" he groaned. "Go to sleep, it's late."

"I have to talk to you."

"Tomorrow, Mer." he buried his face in the pillow as she turned on the small light beside her bed.

"No, now. Wake up." she shook him. "It's important." Here she was, wanting to tell him she loved him and the stupid man refused to wake up.

"Okay, okay. I am up. What's so important that it can't wait until morning."

"I love you."

"Great? I love you too." she held her breath as she waited for the words to register. She could see as his eyes cleared before immediately becoming misty.

"Did you just..." he asked breatlessly

"I love you." she repeated with a slight smile. She watched a smile spread over his face. She had been wrong before when she thought Derek had lit up when she made them offical. Now, he looked like she had offered him the universe. Her arms wrapped around his neck, she pressed her lips against his.

"I love you too, Mer. So so much." He was holding her close.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Meredith giggled in his neck. "Are we going to keep saying it for the rest of the night."

"Probably." his hands slipped under her top, his fingers running over the skin of her lower back. She leaned up, capturing his lips with hers again. "You'll have to tell me again tomorrow when I am awake."

"You're awake now."

"I think I am still dreaming."

"Go back to sleep then, and I'll tell you again tomorrow." She settled against him, her eyes closing as she finally relaxed enough to sleep.

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